


Monsters, Old and New

by elleurs



Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, Canon Universe, Character Development, F/M, Fix-It of Sorts, Minor Character Death, Romance, Slow Burn, during Timeskip
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-30
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:35:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 45,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23926255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elleurs/pseuds/elleurs
Summary: In the midst of Suna's political turmoil, Sakura must find a way for Gaara to secure the position of Kazekage. "You're not in Konoha anymore. There is no friendly face here." Set during timeskip. Slow burn.
Relationships: GaaSaku, Gaara/Haruno Sakura
Comments: 129
Kudos: 151





	1. I want to love this dazzling world once more

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Headcanon: Gaara was already being considered for the position of Kazekage before the Sasuke retrieval arc, hence the outfit change in the Lee v Kimimaro fight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Date Revised: November 15, 2020
> 
> Beta: Toothless - thanks for going over it even though you're not in the fandom, haha!

On a cloudless night in Sunagakure, a hawk flew overhead, swooping past barren desert and modest clay houses. The night was cool, and the wind warm. Its yellow eyes focused on a circular building with the kanji of 'wind' painted on its side. Fluorescent light spilled from several windows and a shadow of a figure could be seen from within.

With practiced ease, the hawk glided down towards the building, the metal cannister strapped to its back glinting for a brief moment as it reflected the moonlight. As it perched on the windowsill, it caught the attention of the sole person in the office. A redhead straightened his back and beckoned the hawk inside with a crooked finger. It stared back at him with fierce eyes before surveying its surroundings.

Furthest from the window, a large bookshelf occupied the entire wall. It was lined with books, the writing on the spines faded and illegible. A weathered sand gourd leaned on a beige couch situated near the door. Several large potted plants were placed around the room like an afterthought.

The only colour in the room came from the large purple rug under the desk and the deep burgundy – almost brown – cloth draped over it. An absurd amount of paperwork were scattered on top.

Cocking its head, the hawk flew into the room and landed on the table, careful not to disturb any papers. Preening and showing off its plumage, it twisted its body to present the metal cannister to the redhead.

There was a rustling of paper before the weight on its back lessened somewhat. It craned its neck and watched as the red-haired boy read the contents of the message, watched as the boy sighed deeply. He dropped the paper and the hawk jumped as sand shot out of the gourd, devouring the note until there was no trace left.

Satisfied the message was received and disposed of, the hawk flapped its wings a few times, before flying out the window and off into the night, back to Konohagakure.

**X**

_Nine months earlier…_

_Only the weak hope,_ Shukaku had whispered in Gaara's ears during his childhood. _They hope because they’re too weak to do anything by themselves._

For the longest time, Gaara believed it to be true, and so he lived for himself, to satisfy himself and the bijuu inside of him. The only hope he entertained was the hope he could continue to re-affirm his existence each day. That was his purpose in life.

 _Had_ been his purpose in life, before his utter defeat.

His injuries were so severe he couldn't even grimace when Kankuro and Temari yanked him painfully to his feet as they headed back home. Shukaku was silent, and Gaara experienced for the first time the weight of his thoughts in its entirety. The emotions were his, and his alone.

He stared at the Konohagakure sky from Kankuro's back, felt the cold, crisp wind of autumn on his cheeks. Tears sprang to his eyes – not from the pain, but from the realisation which came with his defeat.

He felt foolish and thoroughly chided. His purpose in life was flawed.

Where did he fit in this world now?

**X**

When he woke up, he was back in his room.

His whole body ached with unfamiliar pain, and it took great effort for him to raise his head and sit himself upright. Memories of his fight with Uzumaki Naruto replayed in his mind.

He was just like him, but he had built a different future – a different life – all with his own two hands.

Could he do the same? Maybe it was not too late to change who he was.

 _Impossible_ , Shukaku whispered traitorously. _To kill is all you know._ His laughter echoed in Gaara’s mind, filling him with dread. Sand poured out of his gourd, restless and angry.

“No,” he groaned, clutching his head. “You’re wrong…”

_You love to kill, you love the smell of carnage and blood…You love the screams of the helpless…_

“You **_made_** me this way,” he said through gritted teeth, pushing his bijuu back into the recesses of his mind in vain.

 _I didn’t make you into anything you weren’t already,_ Shukaku whispered, his voice cold and cruel. _You’ve been a killer since birth. This is who you are!_

Gaara screamed then, his sand crashing around his room like waves. Rumbling, crashing, thunderous. Shukaku’s words echoing in his head, heavy and accusing – killer. Killer. _Killer._

_This is who you are. This is who you are. This is who **we** are._

He howled, clutching his head in pain, and Shukaku cackled as he felt his control slip. Sand lashed around his room like strong gusts of wind, like a hurricane, and Gaara was at the eye of the storm.

Shukaku’s power swept over him like hot coals, and his body felt on fire. Belatedly, he realised Shukaku was forcing the start of the transformation. Already, his arm was starting to morph.

_Hurry, let’s kill! Let us pass judgement on that Naruto brat –_

“SHUT UP!” Gaara roared, trying to retain what little sanity he had left. “Shut up, shut up, shut up!” He squeezed his eyes shut, willing Shukaku away. His whole body shuddered at the effort of containing the monster inside of him. The urge to kill was too much, it felt like he was holding his breath, slowly suffocating himself.

Finally, _finally_ , after what felt like hours, he felt Shukaku’s presence subside. He was curled up in what was left of his bed, cold sweat all over.

It was a small victory against his bijuu, but it was his win.

And just like that, Gaara dared himself to hope.

**X**

Statues of past Kazekage stared down at the twelve council members of Sunagakure. They had already met several times in the past week, but the matter of the new Kazekage was yet to be resolved.

Kankuro, the forefront candidate for the position, had hidden himself away from the council and refused to come out of his room. 'Fuck off' had been freshly painted in black outside his door, a clear indication of where he stood on the matter.

They were now forced to consider the jinchuuriki as an option.

Joseki, one of the newer council members, tapped his fingers on the large circular table as if in preparation, before clearing his throat. Already, some of the council members looked at each other, frowning.

Even though he had only been elected three years ago, Joseki was vocal and pushed for drastic change. His ideas and proposals were too radical, and most of the council disagreed with him on principle.

"There are more suitable candidates if we look outside the Kazekage clan."

Murmurs followed the statement.

"Surely you're joking," Ikanago replied, raising her voice above the others. She was an old woman, her wispy grey hair strategically hidden by the standard turban worn by all Suna council. "The Kazekage clan has the strongest bloodline. They've produced top shinobi time and time again. The boy's no different. He's already killed several of our jounin and he isn't even thirteen!"

Joseki laughed scornfully. The two had never seen eye to eye, and they wouldn't start now. "The loyal lapdog of the Kazekage clan, everyone. Ikanago-senior would rather we all die than give the title to another."

Ikanago's glare bordered on murderous. It was no secret she held the Kazekage and the clan in high regard. After all, Rasa had been her student, and his death hit her hard.

It felt wrong – compared to her, Rasa was still young. There was still potential there, and his death caused deep sorrow. But heart had no place in the council, and she forced herself to calm down.

"Then, show me a stronger applicant and I'll reconsider," she said. Her eyes met Joseki's without faltering. "I'll see if he's suitable myself." She may be retired, but she was once the chief of ANBU and she refused to bow down to someone her junior.

"Why you-"

"There hasn't been any reports of his…activities, ever since he returned from Konoha," Ryusa said, trying to placate the two seniors. He was one of the younger ones, but he'd been in the council for more than five years. Politics was a fickle thing, and money was fickler, but Ryusa had a knack for such fickle things. "Maybe he's changed?"

Tojuro, ever the shrewd, snorted. "That's like saying a lion can finally be tamed since it hasn't hunted for a week. It's just biding its time, Ryusa. Shukaku lost, and he won't take this lightly. Mark my words."

There was a terse silence as each individual envisioned Shukaku's revenge on their village. Tojuro was one of the oldest members in the council. He was no stranger to Shukaku's temperament, having witnessed many of Shukaku's containers throughout his lifetime.

"Well, we have to make a choice," Yura said grimly, resting his chin on steepled fingers, "And soon. Our village is in a precarious position. The longer we don't have a Kazekage, the weaker we'll look to others."

His sharp eyes didn't fail to see Rokuro's fists clenching. Rokuro had been elected only recently, after Rasa was confirmed dead. His family was one of the most affluent in Suna, and he didn't bother hiding the fact he bought his way into the council.

He didn't bother hiding the fact he hated Gaara, either.

"Listen to me, all of you," Rokuro said, standing up and placing his hands on the circular table. "We can't control the jinchuuriki. He could ruin the entire village! Is it worth making him the Kazekage to save face?"

"I can teach Gaara-sama," Ikanago volunteered in earnest. "If it's political affairs you're worried about, Rokuro-san, I'm more than capable to guide him."

Rokuro casted his eye upwards and silently prayed for patience. The old woman was as obtuse as she was deaf. "Ikanago-senior, it's not a matter of who will teach him. The problem is can he be taught? Can he be controlled? Baki?"

Eleven pairs of eyes turned to look at the jounin who had taken the jinchuuriki under his wing.

"He can be…difficult to deal with," Baki admitted hesitantly. Gaara's violent rampages came to mind and he barely held back a grimace.

Rokuro's grin was triumphant. "You see? He's too polite to say it, but the boy’s _insane_. He can't be controlled. And you want him to lead us, Ikanago-senior? Teaching him politics would be the least of our worries. Listen to reason, I beg you."

Sajo shook his head sadly as his eyes slid to Arisu. "Ah, but who wouldn't go insane after having Shukaku sealed in him?"

"What are you looking at, Sajo-san?" Arisu snapped, scowl deepening.

Sajo shrugged. "I'm just saying, we're underestimating the boy. The fact he's lasted this long with Shukaku speaks of his mental fortitude."

Arisu snorted, unladylike. Sajo was always too trusting for his own good. "If killing in cold blood every few days is what you call mental fortitude, then I'd call yours into question. Don't think for a moment the village will take this matter sitting down. They won't agree to having a monster for a Kazekage."

"Come now, Arisu-san," Yumi said, placing her sewing down before smiling at the rest of the council politely. "They wouldn't dare do anything to Gaara-sama. If anything, the village will direct their ire to us, but what difference would it make?" She sighed, forlorn. "They already hate us since we approved the decision to invade Konoha."

Arisu narrowed her eyes. "If you remember, I was against the idea from the very beginning-"

"We made choices we believed were right at the time," Goza said, raising his voice. His imposing figure quickly put a stop to the bickering. "We're simply reaping what we've sown. Ebizo-jiisama, what's your final decision? Tell us and we'll follow."

Ebizo, who was listening half-heartedly to the debate, sighed heavily. His whole body ached and he wanted nothing more than to lie down in his bed and sleep the day away. Besides, since when had Suna become this weak they would need to rely on a jinchuuriki to show strength?

 _Times have truly changed,_ he thought wearily before standing up. Hushed conversations stopped and everyone turned to look at him.

"If we're reaping what we've sown, then we deserve to have the jinchuuriki as our Kazekage. Dismissed."

In an instant, the council was in an uproar.

Ebizo left the members to argue amongst themselves and headed for home, expression grim.

Whether he made the right choice or the wrong one…hell lay ahead of them. (1)

**X**

Baki found Gaara sitting atop one of the abandoned guard towers on the outskirts of the city, staring at the moon and the stars deep in thought. It was rare for his student to be so pensive at this time of night. He was usually insatiable with bloodlust.

"I’ve arranged for new furniture to be delivered to your room tomorrow morning," he said. He knew better than to remind Gaara of the wreckage he caused earlier in the afternoon. The tiniest thing could cause a trigger for his anger. And his anger was not pretty. "The Suna council wishes for you to see them now."

"I don’t wish to be the Kazekage," Gaara replied bluntly, correctly guessing what the council will talk to him about. "Give it to someone else."

Baki sighed. "True, I don't think you're ready to be the Godaime Kazekage, either," he readily admitted. "But the decision was not mine to make." Gaara barked out a laugh.

"Do they wish the village to die in my hands that badly?" He directed his gaze at his teacher. Baki could never get used to his intense stares, but he had been subjected to them enough he had learned not to flinch. It used to make him shudder, catching those eyes which looked at him like prey.

He lowered his eyes. "We make the decisions based on what would benefit the village as a whole," he explained. "Even though they don't like you-"

"Oh, I don't doubt it," Gaara muttered under his breath.

"- the needs of the village trumps the wants of a few," Baki finished.

Gaara seemed to mull over this statement. "Tomorrow, then," he finally said, turning his eyes skyward. "I’ll meet with them tomorrow. Right now, I want to be alone.” Baki lowered his head in acquiesce, concealing his surprise.

"Of course."

**X**

The large, round table in the Suna council room had been replaced with a long, rectangular one. Twelve council members sat with backs straight, most of them anxious and desperate to get the meeting over and done with.

"You may enter," Ebizo finally boomed. In a flurry of sand, the boy stood before him and the council, arms crossed.

His unkempt auburn hair framed his pale, narrow face and covered the kanji of 'love' on his forehead. The edges of his eyes were dark from lack of sleep. The material of his clothes were thin and tattered, and dried blood scarred his garments, a visible warning for those who drew near him.

"Kami, when was the last time you had a haircut, boy?" Ebizo said, frowning. "You look like you grew up in the wilderness." He turned to Arisu. "We can’t have the future Godaime Kazekage looking like this. Have someone come in later today to make this boy some proper clothes." (2)

The boy narrowed his eyes. "I never said I wanted to be the Kazekage," he replied, levelling him with a stare. Ebizo chuckled and leaned forward, fully aware the rest of the council were on the edges of their seats, ready at a moment's notice to dart towards the door.

"You came here willingly, boy," Ebizo said. "You’re not like your brother. He has no ambition, that fool. But you – you could be great."

The sand in the boy's gourd rattled. "I’m already great," the boy countered, challenging him. Ebizo hummed again, and it seemed to agitate the boy further. Sand had started to slither out of the gourd and onto the floor like snakes, hissing.

"Ah, perhaps," Ebizo said, eyes watching the boy's movements carefully. "But your greatness comes from the bijuu. Without it, you’re powerless."

The boy bared his teeth. "I can still kill you without Shukaku's help," his voice was low, but filled with promise. Ebizo could feel the discomfort of his colleagues, but paid them no mind. Once they get to his age, one must be ready for death.

"Being the Godaime Kazekage will give you power Shukaku cannot," Ebizo continued, unruffled. "Respect, instead of fear. Loyalty, instead of resentment. Love, instead of hate." The boy stood perfectly still, but Ebizo knew now he was listening intently. He chose his next words carefully.

"If you’re tired of being a monster, why not become the hero for a change?" The boy's head shot up and met his, eyes wide in surprise. Ebizo gave him a knowing smile.

**X**

_Present…_

Gaara looked out the window before turning back to his paperwork. If the Fourth Kazekage could see him now, he would be rolling in his grave. Being a Kazekage was not something he envisioned for the jinchuuriki he brought into this world, and yet here he was. He recalled again the message he received.

_I'm willing to listen to your request._

For the past few months, he could feel his control slowly loosening, and it took longer for him to build defences against Shukaku each time. The mental battles he waged daily in his head was taking its toll, and Shukaku was slowly poisoning his thoughts, so subtly he wondered how deep his bijuu's influence truly was. Grimly, he realised Shukaku fully taking over was only a matter of time.

With each passing day he was falling deeper into quiet madness.

But damn it, he refused to give up without a fight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (1) This was taken from Hunter X Hunter quote by Kite during the Chimera Ant Arc. Originally, he said: Whether we win or lose, hell lies ahead of us.
> 
> (2) Headcanon: Gaara was already being considered for the position of Kazekage in the Sasuke retrieval arc, which is why he had an outfit change during Lee v Kimimaro fight haha.
> 
> OCs introduced: Arisu ("the noble sort"), Yumi ("reason, cause"), Rokuro (“the sixth son”)  
> The rest of the Suna council members exist in canon.
> 
> I must have rewritten this first chapter so many times! I think I’m finally okay with it. Maybe. Haha. The original was too angsty too soon! So I tried to pull back haha! Please let me know what you think of this chapter – reading your reviews honestly make my day!
> 
> Please enjoy the next chapter!


	2. Lacrimosa: Broken; vanishing into the distance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Date Revised: July 28, 2020

Tsunade may be old, but she was not foolish. When Jiraiya had come into her office to ask her permission to train the Uzumaki brat, she _knew._

"You can't rewrite history, Jiraiya," she said, toying with the sake cup next to her. She refused to look at him because she knew her eyes would betray her. He would find only bitterness and hurt there. "What's done is done."

Jiraiya leaned against a wall of her office, looking out the window. The sun shone brightly in Konoha, and he let himself be reminded of the old days – _their_ old days. Life was simpler, then. Harsher, to be sure, but simpler. Fighting a war seemed a lot easier than living life. At least in war, there was always someone in command to tell you what to do, and to tell you the consequences if you don't. There was a degree of certainty. But in life there was no such thing. In many ways, it was freeing. In many others, it was paralysing.

He was the former; Tsunade, the latter.

"I'm not rewriting history," he finally said, eyes finding Tsunade. Always finding her, always searching for her. He sighed and forced them closed. It wouldn't do well for her to think of this matter as anything less than serious. "History is repeating itself."

Tsunade snorted. "There's a difference?" She tilted the sake cup to see if there were still any left. Damn, it was empty. She would need a new bottle after this conversation.

"There is, and you know it," Jiraiya said. "Orochimaru isn't someone we should take lightly." She sighed, but privately agreed. Already, the council elders had been dropping into her office almost daily to remind her the last living Uchiha needed to be retrieved before its dojutsu was lost to another hidden village.

She knew they only cared for the village, but _damn_. Capture Uchiha Sasuke dead or alive, Danzo had said. _We must get the Sharingan eyes back at all cost._ Tsunade repressed a shiver. She'd forgotten how calculating and shrewd the council elders were.

Even though she never wanted to be Hokage, she was glad that at least _they_ weren't left in charge. Sometimes, she wasn't sure if they loved the village or if they wanted its demise. The line was blurred when it came to the council.

She clicked her tongue, resigned. "And I suppose you want me to take the girl under my wing."

Jiraiya smiled at her unspoken permission. "Only if she asks." He pushed himself off the wall and gave her a nod. "I'll bring back Naruto in three years' time. Keep the council from killing Uchiha Sasuke until then." Raising a hand in farewell, he disappeared in a puff of smoke. Tsunade stared at the place he had stood. She vaguely remembered seeing Naruto's teammate, but only remembered her pink hair.

"Poor girl," she muttered, recalling her past. If history was repeating itself, then the girl didn't stand a chance. Tsunade knew it would not have a happy ending. There was never a happy ending when it came to the three of them.

She loosened a plank of wood on the floor by her feet and took out a new bottle, before pouring herself a shot. The sweet smell of sake was comforting and familiar. The first sip even more so. She finished the rest in one gulp and poured herself another, losing herself in her vice.

Poor girl, indeed.

* * *

Sakura had not wanted to be a shinobi. She could admit that now – now that she had waved goodbye to her remaining teammate by the northern entrance gate. Letting her smile drop, she watched as Naruto disappeared deep into the forest, no doubt excited about the prospect of becoming stronger.

Just like that, Team 7 was no more.

Part of Sakura was relieved, but a bigger part of her felt an aching loneliness. She would have looked for Kakashi-sensei for comfort, but his absence at Naruto's departure spoke volumes.

She was on her own.

Turning away from the gates, she began to make her way back home, wrapping her arms around herself and trying to keep her tears at bay. Kami, she was so stupid.

She was so, so stupid.

This was not a game, and it was definitely not a game for silly little girls like her. Naruto risked his life to bring Sasuke back, and would continue to risk his life to fulfil his promise. And Sasuke…

Past civilians, she ran as fast as her feet could carry her, unshed tears blurring her vision. Her heart hurt so much, and she bit her arm to stop herself from letting out a cry. Reaching their old training ground, she fell on the grass as her knees buckled. Warm tears finally ran down her cheeks and her shoulders heaved, pain filling her from the inside out.

She felt embarrassed (humiliated, angry, _ashamed_ ) because of how weak she was. Despite having the highest scores in the Ninja Academy, out there it meant nothing. She felt like a failure. Even Naruto had direction in his life, had someone to mentor him and guide him to become stronger, but who did she have? She was too weak for Kakashi-sensei to take her under his wing. She wanted to escape from this feeling. At this moment, she wanted to be someone else, _anyone_ else.

When she thought back to her behaviour, she wanted to shake her past self. How could she be so naïve to think she meant anything to Sasuke? That with a few simple sweet nothings, he would decide to stay? She was pathetic. The humiliating scene replayed in her head and she threw a punch at the training post in front of her. She cried out from the pain, but she kept going, putting all of her frustrations and anger into each punch.

"Why are you so _fucking_ weak, Sakura?" she screamed as she threw another punch at the training post. "You're so _fucking_ useless, no wonder everyone left-" Her voice cracked and she threw herself onto the ground, anger finally spent.

But loneliness and sadness remained.

Breathing hard, she turned her face towards the sky and noticed the sun dipping into the horizon. Hours had passed without her realising. Her arms lay uselessly by her side, knuckles bloodied. The wind blew through the trees and she closed her eyes, feeling the final vestiges of warmth leave with the day. As the moon slowly rose, so did her determination.

She would be weak no more.

Shivering from the sudden cold, she dragged herself out of the training grounds and towards the hospital – bruised, beaten, but feeling infinitely better.

* * *

Six months had passed since then, and Sakura was not the girl she used to be. She had become the Hokage's apprentice and started working at the hospital. On her free days, she sparred with Lee and his team (the first few months of that was utter torture, but now she could hold her own against Ten-Ten), and when they weren't available, she lost herself in scrolls about medical ninjutsu and chakra control.

Her mother was surprised the first time she found her daughter passed out in the living room, but now, it was a regular occurrence. If she wasn't passed out in her bed, she would be passed out on their couch, still in her ninja gear. Her parents would always leave sliced apples on the small table in the living room for her when she woke up – a gentle reminder not to push herself too hard. But they did not complain when Sakura spent more time outside and only came home to sleep. They saw the smile back on Sakura's face and cheered for her on the rare days she came home and shared her milestones with them.

 _As long as she keeps smiling,_ Kizashi had said to his wife, _we should support her, whatever she wants to do._ Mebuki merely nodded, and kept her thoughts to herself as she watched her weary daughter drag herself to her room.

* * *

Tsunade observed as her apprentice healed the broken arm of an injured civilian. These past few months, Sakura's chakra control had improved tremendously, and Tsunade had been pleased with her progress in medical ninjutsu.

However, what didn't escape her notice was the dark circles under Sakura's eyes, the way her clothes fit looser on her frame, and the extra shifts she took in the hospital. She had chalked it up to the girl's determination not to be left behind by her teammates, but she sensed a darker reason.

Sakura was not giving herself time to breathe, and if she didn't step in, her apprentice would suffocate.

If she wasn't already.

She stared at the note in her hand she'd just received this morning. After reading it once more, she sent a pulse of chakra to the paper and it disintegrated in her grasp, leaving no trace behind.

"Sakura," she said after the civilian had left, "I have a mission for you. Come see me in my office after your shift."

Sakura hurriedly stood up and gave her a deep bow. "Of course, shishou." Tsunade didn't fail to see the uneaten slices of apple by her station. With a nod, she bid farewell to her apprentice, mind made up.

* * *

A solo mission.

Sakura listened with wide eyes as Tsunade relayed the mission to her, and her eyes grew wider with every word passing from her mentor's mouth.

Surely, she must be joking.

"I'm not joking," Tsunade said, reading her mind. "Shut your mouth or you'll catch flies." Sakura promptly closed her mouth, but her wide eyes remained. The Hokage sighed. This would not be an easy mission, but her apprentice was the only one who met the requirements. The prospect of regaining Suna as an ally was too good to pass up.

She cleared her throat. "Gaara will be Kazekage soon. You must have met him in the last Chuunin exams, if I'm not mistaken." She watched Sakura's expressions. Fear flitted across her apprentice's face before grim determination replaced it.

Good girl.

"He helped Lee in his fight against the Sound nin when..." Sakura started before stopping herself. She bit her lower lip, but decided to press on. "It was during the mission to bring Sasuke back, shishou." She had listen to Lee wax praises on Gaara's performance during their fight multiple times, but she found it hard to connect that boy from the one who almost killed her.

"This is an A-rank, possibly S-rank mission," Tsunade said sighing. She could already feel a headache coming. "I would have liked someone else to do this, but he's adamant to only send someone that Naruto brat is close to."

Sakura's face paled. "Shishou, I don't think- I can't- Shouldn't a Jounin- Or ANBU- What about-" Tsunade held a hand and stopped her student.

"Involving ANBU for this mission wouldn't be wise," Tsunade said grimly. "The council elders must _never_ know of this mission, Sakura, do you understand? If they realise what this mission entails, they would have us go to war with Sunagakure. We can't afford to do that." Sakura pressed her lips in a thin line and nodded solemnly. Konoha was still recovering from the last invasion. Once the council elders realise Sunagakure was in a weak position, they would want to attack and exact revenge.

"The mission is to find a way to incapacitate Shukaku." Sakura felt the wind get knocked out of her as soon as she heard the words.

"You must be joking."

"We've been in correspondence for the past few weeks," Tsunade said, ignoring Sakura's outburst as she poured herself a cup of sake. "I told him it would be impossible, but what he _could_ do is learn how to increase his mental defences against his bijuu. I believe this would be the best course of action."

 _Increase his mental defences?_ "Meditation?" Sakura asked, unsure. Tsunade nodded. "Did he agree?"

"He did," she confirmed. She didn't tell Sakura he'd agreed a little _too_ quickly, which hinted he was getting desperate. "If anyone knew he's losing his control of his bijuu-"

"They wouldn't let him become the Kazekage," Sakura finished.

Tsunade nodded. "Yes, and we _need_ him to be there. He promised allegiance to Konoha once he secures the position. We can't miss this opportunity." She took a sip from her cup. "Because of the nature of this mission, we'll be sending you as a diplomat to witness his ceremony. That's why it has to be a solo mission. You understand, don't you, Sakura?" She procured a scroll from her sleeves.

Sakura stared at the scroll for a long time, before finally nodding. Tsunade threw the scroll and Sakura caught it with ease.

"Memorise the contents before disposing it. You leave tomorrow, at first sign of daylight." Sakura felt dread pool in her stomach. "Go home now. I've already assigned Shizune to take over your shifts."

She squeezed her eyes shut and bowed deeply. "Hai, Hokage-sama."

* * *

Sakura tossed and turned in bed for a good hour before admitting to herself there's no way she would be able to sleep. Her mind whirred at a hundred thoughts an hour, especially concerning the scroll Tsunade had given her just hours prior. Too agitated to sleep, she finally threw her covers away from her sweat soaked body. Placing her feet into her house slippers, she felt her way along the wall of her room until she reached the familiar indentation of the light switch. Harsh light flooded the room. She squinted as her eyes adjusted.

There.

The scroll was innocent enough. It was as big as her hand, a muted green with dark red trimmings; it rested on top of her packed ninja gear, taunting her. What made Sakura anxious was the contents inside. After a beat, she snatched the scroll and unrolled it for the umpteenth time today.

Anxious didn't even cover what she felt. A part of her wanted to stay in Konoha - Konoha was home, and Konoha was safe. Safer than what was out there. More than ever, she wished Naruto had stayed. If he stayed, then maybe the two of them could take on the mission together. She hated to say it, but she missed Naruto's boisterous voice and even boisterous personality.

Tsunade had assured her their training would not be hindered, but a mission outside of Konoha would effectively end her apprenticeship. And even though a part of her mind trusted in her shishou's words, a larger part blamed her for being too weak to keep Tsunade's interest. Maybe this was her teacher's subtle way of saying good riddance.

 _Look underneath the underneath_ , she thought bitterly, her hands tightening on the scroll to prevent them from shaking. She slid down on the floor, tucking her knees against her chest, staring forlornly at the picture of Team Seven before squeezing her eyes shut.

During the day, she could keep her mind busy at the hospital, running errands for Tsunade, and training. But at night, with nothing to distract her…she couldn't escape her thoughts. Thoughts that mocked her, taunted her, reminded her of how weak and powerless she still was.

If she wasn't weak, Sasuke wouldn't have left. If she wasn't weak, then she wouldn't cower in fear at the thought of fulfilling a mission alone, without her sensei nor her teammates to help her. She couldn't stop her whole body from trembling. Taking a deep breath, she waited until her lungs seemed to burst, but it was no use. Her breaths soon came out in short gasps. Each painful breath took more effort than the last and she felt like she was drowning.

This was a familiar pain, but it wasn't a welcome one. She knew she only needed to endure this feeling for a few minutes, but those minutes felt like hours, and every second she felt like dying. This was why she took extra shifts in the hospital, why she kept herself busy all this time. If she gave even a second to herself, she would unravel.

And if she unravelled, she had no idea how she could pick up the pieces.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realised that the acronym for this fic is MOAN, haha. I swear it wasn't on purpose.
> 
> Nanami! Thank you for your wonderful review, I was really touched. Two days ago, I had less than 1,000 words, but after reading your review, I churned this out in two days. I'm glad that my story was able to stay with you in such a way. I'll try not to let you down!
> 
> Anyway, I was in a different place while I wrote this. I wanted to write a story that I would want to read myself, and that means angst, angst, angst (don't worry, it won't always be angst). I could relate to Sakura in a way, and I found myself crying while writing some parts of this. The problem, it seems, is that I can't fully write down what I want to convey. But writing frequently feels good, and I'm getting back into the groove of things.
> 
> My (not so secret) goal is to be the most well known GaaSaku writer, haha. I just ship them so much. I have a lot of plot bunnies, hehe.
> 
> Next chapter, Gaara and Sakura will finally meet! Please look forward to it.


	3. Lacrimosa: To where there is light

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Date Revised: July 28, 2020

Sunagakure, unlike Konohagakure, was a hidden village steeped in tradition. There were rituals to be observed, festivals to be held, and prayers to be uttered for every occasion. His first task, after agreeing to become Kazekage, was to learn of these traditions. Prior to this, Gaara had always been forbidden to take part. _These traditions bring joy to the villagers,_ his father had said once. _Your presence isn't wanted._

And yet, Gaara thought grimly as he sorted through the mission scrolls in the Kazekage office, he was the product of these very traditions. If not for these traditions, Gaara would have lived a normal life, and Yashamaru... He shook his head to clear his straying thoughts and focused on the paperwork in front of him, squinting as he read through an unranked mission scroll in the dim light of the oil lamp.

One of his tasks once he became Kazekage would be to read through mission scrolls and assign their rank. (1) It was a tedious task, and his skewed sense of difficulty didn't help. Take this mission, for example.

It was a mission from their daimyo to dispatch the chieftain in Toro no Sato. It seemed the trade deal between the two lands had been an old and outdated one. The current chieftain wanted to re-establish the terms, and demanded that their city be compensated for the previous years or they would cut off trading with Kaze no Kuni altogether.

Probably a B-rank, Gaara thought as he mulled over the mission brief. He leaned back from his chair, rubbing his eyes and yawning. A B-rank mission would call for a group of chuunin, and he reached for the list of active shinobi, looking for an available group.

None.

He frowned. All of their active chuunin were out on missions, and he was forced to either increase the rank of the mission and lose profit, or decrease the mission and risk losing a team of genin.

"It would be better if I just kill him," he murmured, patience running thin. If he left now, he could reach Toro no Sato before dawn, kill the chieftain and be back by breakfast. The thought amused him, and he let out a chuckle, before shaking his head. He could already hear the scream of the chieftain, could already see the terror in his eyes…

"No, no," he chided himself, eyes wide with barely contained frenzy. He licked his lips and swore he could taste blood. "I must pretend to be good for a little longer-" If not for the sand swirling restlessly by his feet, he looked sane.

Normal, even.

"Gaara?"

His head snapped up, and saw Temari by the door. The sand fell down unceremoniously at his feet and he straightened in his chair. "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine," he replied, careful to keep his face blank. "Leave me be."

Temari frowned. "It's late. I know you're trying your best to change, but be careful. Don't forget the council is looking for any reason to make you ineligible for the position." His eyes narrowed.

"I'm not so stupid as to show weakness, dear _sister_ ," he said, sneering. Temari's eyes widened in fear at his words, knuckles white as she gripped the door frame tightly.

She dared to meet his gaze."Gaara?" Her brother's smile sent shivers down her spine, and her blood ran cold. She involuntarily took a step back and Gaara laughed, the sound reverberating in the small room.

"Come here," he said, beckoning her with a crooked finger. His voice left no room for arguments. She shakily stepped forward and sand snaked around her ankles, holding her in place. In a split second, Gaara was in front of her, face barely concealing his anger.

"We can keep the charades, _sister_ ," he said. The sand tightened painfully around her legs. "But I know who you are, just as you know who I am. You'll always fear me. I see it in your eyes. Don't get too familiar with me, and _remember your place._ " Temari cried out, falling to her knees as sand almost crushed her legs. Gaara's green eyes seemed to glow in the dark as he stared down at her. Her whole body shook uncontrollably at the killing intent being directed at her.

"Forgive me for my insolence," she stammered, pressing her forehead on the ground. She squeezed her eyes, praying to Kami the monster would spare her. "It won't happen again."

* * *

Many times, Gaara questioned his own sanity. There were moments where he was completely himself, but there were also some instances where he could notice the influence of Shukaku. And then…and then, there were the rare moments when he wasn't in control at all.

It worried him when he found a gap in his memory of last night, because it only meant one thing.

"Was I myself?" he asked Temari as soon as found her. She was in the middle of taijutsu practice in the training grounds near the edge of the village, but she froze as soon as she heard his words. It didn't escape his notice how her body tensed and how she forced herself to relax.

She couldn't look at him. "You must have dozed off while working." He searched his sister's face, before folding his arms, frustrated. A sand clone of Gaara slowly materialised in front of Temari.

"Did he hurt you?" he asked as his sand clone moved towards Temari. She dodged it easily enough before landing a punch on the clone's cheeks, the impact causing it to be thrown back by several feet.

"No, you- _he_ didn't," she corrected herself. "But it took me a while to realise who I was talking to last night." Gaara's frown deepened and he let out a sigh. This did not bode well. He thought he was making progress, but in truth, he was still as lost as he was all those months ago. Being powerless was a new feeling for him, and he scowled. He turned away from his sister and lifted a hand in farewell before disappearing in a flurry of sand.

The sand clone remained as a token of apology, and Temari narrowed her eyes before attacking, finally finding a suitable outlet for her anger.

* * *

"You're late."

Gaara entered the Kazekage office to find Arisu-senior waiting, her back ramrod straight and hands clasped behind her back. Even in her old age, she looked every bit like a matron, with her wispy grey hair tied tightly in a bun.

"I apologize," Gaara replied, stripping off his gourd and placing it by the door. "I didn't know you would be waiting."

The old woman harrumphed. "I'm supposed to be measuring you for your ceremonial robes," she said, "but Shukaku likes his personal space." She walked towards his table and placed something on the edge. Gaara's eyes flickered down.

A measuring tape.

"Create a clone or some such," she said, waving a hand dismissively. "I'm only here to make sure you're measuring it correctly."

Gaara stared at her, curious."You know Shukaku?" He grabbed the measuring tape and gestured for her to take a seat. He'd never paid attention to the council prior to his decision to be Kazekage. They were nothing more than nuisance before, a blip on his radar.

"Of course I know Shukaku, child," Arisu said, moving to sit down on the couch. Her movements were slow but graceful, and she let out a groan of relief when she was finally seated. "You weren't the first host in my lifetime. The older generation know of Shukaku's horrors already, although you've probably been the most troublesome jinchuuriki to date." Her sharp grey eyes regarded him as his clone materialised and made to measure his shoulders. "Make sure to write your measurements so I can give it to the tailor afterwards."

Gaara hummed in acquiesce and his clone moved to do as directed, grabbing a blank paper and pen from his table drawer. It was quiet, save for the sound of sand slithering as Gaara's clone moved.

"A messenger hawk came in a few minutes before you did," Arisu said, voice deceptively light. Gaara stilled. "Are we expecting a visitor, child?"

He met her gaze. "The friend of a friend," he replied, voice just as light.

"You expect me to trust you?" she asked, narrowing her eyes.

He shrugged. "I don't expect you to." His sand clone moved around him and jotted down his measurement. "But I hope you will learn to trust me in the future." The old woman harrumphed.

"Highly unlikely," she muttered. "While Shukaku lives in you, you can't be trusted. He's a thing of malice and deceit. I won't be fooled a second time." Her face sorrowful, she stared out of the window in his office. Gaara, believing someone close to her must have died because of his bijuu, didn't know any words to console her, and said nothing.

"Your guest will arrive in an hour," Arisu said once the sand clone had finished taking his measurements. "I'll prepare a room for her near the civilian sector-"

"No need," Gaara said tightly. "The guest will be staying near my quarters."

Arisu's eyes snapped to meet his. "You be careful now," she said slowly. "The Suna council won't stand for insubordination, even if it's you."

"Is that a threat?" he asked as he handed her the slip with his measurements.

Arisu gave him a brittle smile. "It is, if you want it to be," she said. "Don't give us a reason to doubt you, child. Let's meet this guest of yours once they arrive. If they have nothing to hide, then they may stay near your quarters. Otherwise, they'll be staying where _I_ say they may stay." She bowed and left the room, and Gaara scowled at her back, feeling powerless for the second time today.

* * *

Kaze no Kuni was hot.

Sakura could feel her clothes sticking to her skin and her lips twitched in irritation. Even though she'd renounced her superficial ways, the sweat covering her entire body was still hard to ignore. Of course she knew it would be hot, but she didn't know it would be _this_ hot. She wiped the sweat on her face _yet again_ and took a drink from the small canister on her waist as she surveyed the vast desert, deep in thought.

Even though her 'official' mission was to find a way for Gaara to control Shukaku, her shishou had told her to prioritise in ensuring Gaara become Kazekage, no matter what happened. Konoha must avoid a war with Suna at all costs, or face losing more of its shinobi. While the prospect of single handedly preventing a war was more than enough to take on the mission, she had a more personal reason.

Being close to Gaara would mean she would get a chance to understand more about bijuu in general. If Gaara was finding difficulties controlling Shukaku, then the same thing could happen to Naruto in the future. What she learned in this mission could prove to be useful one day-

Sakura took out a kunai as soon as she sensed a few shinobi further up north, heading her way. Her hands trembled, but her eyes stared determinedly in the horizon, the sun beating down as she waited for the foreign shinobi to approach. She could do this, she was a kunoichi of Konoha, she trained under the Hokage herself…Her stance loosened when she recognised the figures hurrying towards her.

Temari and Kankuro.

She wasn't close with them, not at all, but Naruto had told her all three of the siblings from Sand helped in trying to bring Sasuke back.

"You must be the esteemed guest," Temari said once they were close enough. The two siblings bowed low and Sakura realised they probably didn't remember who she was. She couldn't even blame them – aside from her pink hair, there was nothing outstanding about her back then.

"We're here to escort you the rest of the way to Suna," Kankuro said. Her confusion must have shown on her face, and he explained. "The Suna council wants to meet you as soon as you arrive in the village." Realisation dawned on Sakura and her face paled.

The correspondence between her shishou and Gaara had been intercepted.

She licked her dry lips and nodded, letting the siblings lead the way. Her mind whirred. How long had they known about her? What were they planning to do with her? Was her mission already over before it could officially start? She was too lost in her own thoughts and she bumped into Temari.

"Why did you stop-" Sakura gasped at the sight before them. A huge cloud of dust, thick as a fog, taller than anything she had ever seen, was quickly enveloping the landscape like a tidal wave, swallowing the grounds before them. Huge gusts of wind lashed out at them, carrying sand in its wake.

A sandstorm was approaching them, and quickly.

Kankuro brought his arms up, squeezing his eyes shut to keep sand from getting in his eyes. "Where's the nearest shelter?"

"There's no time!" Temari shouted back. "We'll have to brace ourselves!" The fog grew thicker as the sandstorm drew nearer. The sun seemed to disappear and the winds howled, drowning out the rest of Temari's words. Sakura followed Kankuro's example and squeezed her eyes shut. Covering her face with her bare arms, she winced as sand pelted her on all sides, hard as hail. Chakra wrapped around her legs, keeping her in place as the harsh wind blew around her.

And then, just as suddenly, the wind seemed far away; the sand harmless again.

She dared to open her eyes and found a redhead standing with his back to her, both hands outstretched. A sand wall had erupted from the earth. It seemed to reach the sky, seemed to span from one end of the horizon to the other.

Awestruck, she could do nothing but stare.

Gaara had arrived.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (1) A kage's primary concern is their village, which means they actually aren't in charge of treaties or trade deals between countries. That's a daimyo's duty. I've read a lot of fanfics that have the kages work on treaties/trade deals etc I accepted it as canon, but unfortunately, it's actually fanon! I originally had Gaara go over a trade deal between Suna and another village (see, Fascination), but I rewrote it instead to reflect what I learned.
> 
> (2) I just wanted to say I researched a lot about sand storms. That's it, haha.


	4. Tests and Revelations

Sakura stood before the Suna Council, acutely aware of her dishevelled appearance. Her clothes were in dire need of washing, her hair clung to her sweaty skin, there were sand under her nails and who knows _where else_. Still, she stood with her back straight, hands clenched into fists by her sides.

"State your business, child," one of the council members said. It was an old woman with a strict face, greying hair tied tightly in a bun. Sakura bit the inside of her cheek, running through her options. She had no idea how much they knew – one wrong word and she could jeopardise her mission before it even began. Considering that they knew she was coming –

"She is here as a guest," Gaara said, suddenly appearing beside her in a whirl of sand. He stood before the council, eyes narrowed and arms crossed. This was the second time he had arrived and saved her. The first was during the sandstorm. Sakura still couldn't quite believe it – the sheer power, the amount of chakra it took to command the sand beneath their feet to his will.

"Oh?" the old woman said, snapping Sakura out of her reverie. She regarded Gaara with barely concealed contempt.

"She is here as _my_ guest," Gaara repeated, glowering back at her. Sakura watched the interaction, unsure of what to do. There was a silent war happening in the room, a battle of wills.

"Interesting. This is the guest who will be staying near your quarters?" the old woman prodded. This caused murmurs around the room, and curious eyes gazed at Sakura. She shifted under their heavy gazes, but shared their confusion. Tsunade-shishou didn't mention her accommodation, but she assumed that she would be staying at an inn for the duration of the mission.

"Yes," Gaara said coolly. "Is there a problem?" Another member of the Suna council slapped his hands on the table, face red.

"Have you no shame?" he bellowed, pointing a finger at Gaara. "Have we taught you nothing? To be so young and to engage in such affairs! I have never heard something so outrageous!" Sakura reddened as his words sank in. They thought – She would – That Gaara –

She wanted a hole to open up and swallow her, dirty clothes and all.

"She is a friend of a friend, Rokuro-san," Gaara replied, nonplussed at his outburst. "I am merely putting her under my protection."

"She is a shinobi from Konohagakure," the old woman said, eyes narrowing. "I am sure she is a capable kunoichi. There is no need for you to protect her. In fact, should it not be the other way around?" Gaara gritted his teeth.

"You would deny me a friend?" he challenged.

"Do you even understand the concept?" she bit back. Gaara's body simmered with rage, his sand rattling in his gourd. He closed his eyes and took calming breaths.

"Enough," he finally said, glaring at the council members before him. "I tire of this. Let me be blunt. I do not trust any of you. She will be staying near me to keep her away from _you_. Capable kunoichi or not, I protect what is mine. And as of this moment, she is _my guest_. Do not let me catch you even touch her."

"Is that a threat?" the old woman said.

"Would you like to find out?" The air was heavy with tension. The old woman glanced between Gaara and his guest, before leaning back in her chair.

"I will prepare a room for her next to yours," she said begrudgingly. "Now, begone. My bones ache." Gaara grabbed Sakura's arm and both of them disappeared in a whirlwind of sand.

* * *

Sakura stumbled as Gaara released his hold on her. One minute they were in the council room, the statues of past Kazekage staring down at them, and the next, she found herself in a large office, with a window overlooking Sunagakure.

She rubbed her arm and looked up to see him scowling, his killing intent sending shivers down her spine. Seeing her discomfort, he let his expression drop and reigned in his anger.

"Arisu senior holds a grudge against me," he muttered by way of apology, moving to sit behind his desk and motioning for her to take a seat on the chair opposite. Sakura forced her legs towards the chair, even when her mind screamed at her to run. She cleared her throat, finally deciding to take a seat.

"It looked more than just a grudge to me," she said, trying to make conversation. Gaara hummed in agreement.

"I may have killed someone in her family," he replied, shrugging. Sakura bit the insides of her cheeks to prevent her mouth from gaping. She was not used to talking about killing others in such a manner, as if it was nothing.

"That…That would explain it," she finally said, trying to fill in the silence. She wondered how to approach the subject of her mission.

"Are you close to Uzumaki Naruto?" Gaara asked, snapping her out of her thoughts. His eyes betrayed his curiosity, and they looked at her intently. She flushed under his gaze.

"Yes," she said. "We're teammates."

"How is he?" he asked, leaning forward in his chair. Sakura covered her surprise with a smile. Naruto had gotten through to him. Even though her teammate was annoying and dense, when it came down to it, he had a knack for changing people.

"He's training with Jiraiya-sama," she answered. "He's one of the legendary Sannin, have you heard of him?" Gaara nodded thoughtfully. Silence stretched between them.

"And does he… Does he still dream of becoming Hokage?" he asked, eyes staring intently at the papers on his desk, feigning indifference.

"I don't think he ever stopped," she said, about to laugh – but the laughter died in her throat when she saw the tender expression he made.

"I see," Gaara said, closing his eyes. When he opened them again, he looked more determined than ever. "I suppose we must get down to the matter at hand, then." Sakura swallowed her apprehension and steeled herself.

"Yes."

* * *

Gaara was secretly pleased after hearing that Naruto's goal had not changed. If Naruto was training under the legendary Sannin in order to become Hokage, then he must do the same.

"Have you been briefed about the mission?" he asked the kunoichi in front of him. Truth be told, he was expecting someone older and more knowledgeable. The girl couldn't have been older than him. But still, the fact that she was Naruto's teammate more than made up for it. He wanted to ask her about Naruto, but he knew that would have to wait. There were more pressing matters to attend.

"Yes," the girl replied. "I'm to help you with, uh, subduing Shukaku." He nodded.

"Your Hokage seems to think that meditation would help," he said, narrowing his eyes. "What do you think? Would that be enough?" The girl squirmed in her seat, before taking a deep breath and shaking her head.

"No," she said quietly. "No, I don't think so." Her answer surprised him. Of course, he knew that meditation would be useless. He spent most of his life meditating in an effort not to succumb to sleep. What surprised him was that she had come to the conclusion herself. He was half-expecting an optimistic response.

"If meditation cannot help," he said, unable to stop the bitterness colouring his words, "then there is no use for you to be here. I will send – "

"No!" the girl replied, slamming her hands on the table. "Please wait – I'm supposed to- I can – "

"You said so yourself," he said. "Meditation cannot help." She pursed her lips.

"There are other ways," she said, wringing her hands. "There must be." Gaara's eyes travelled to the ceiling, exasperated. For a moment he thought she had a solution.

"I do not have time for this," he said, patience running thin. He rubbed the sleep from his eyes. He was so _tired_. "Get out of my office." The girl paled.

"No," she stammered, reaching towards him. "Please, just give me – " Sand shot out and wrapped themselves around her arm.

"This is your warning, Naruto's teammate," he hissed. "I will not give any more." The girl nodded mutely and he let the sand slither back into his gourd. He did not care to watch the girl as she ran out of the room.

* * *

_Shit, shit, shit!_

Sakura was equal parts terrified and desperate as she ran out of the Kazekage office. She had just single-handedly ruined her mission. Why, oh why, couldn't she have kept her mouth shut? She should have gone along with the mission and kept her personal thoughts out of it. Kami, what was she thinking? Oh, wait, she _wasn't._

Still, she stood by her answer. There was no way meditation would help – her shishou _must_ have known as well. She must've. One look at Gaara and Sakura knew that meditation would have done nothing for him. He was already familiar with the concept, if not actively practising it. And he must have already known about it, because how else could he have avoided sleep for long periods of time?

So, if her shishou already knew that meditation would be of no help, why had she placed Sakura on such a futile mission? Biting her nails, she moved down the corridor. The few employees that were in the building gave her wide berth, but she could care less.

She could not – _could not –_ just leave. No way. She could not let her first solo-mission be a failure, what would Tsunade-shishou think? And the more Sakura thought of it, the more she was convinced that this was part of Tsunade's test for her.

Tsunade couldn't explain it to Gaara in case the messages were intercepted (which they were). She couldn't tell Sakura because she could get captured (which she did). She nodded to herself. Alright, assuming this was one of Tsunade's tests…how should she approach it? Her mentor wouldn't give her a test until she had fully understood a concept. She exited the building and sat down on the nearest bench, ignoring the people giving her odd looks.

Hadn't Tsunade said that she and Gaara had been in correspondence for a few weeks? If so, then that meant that whatever it was had to be recent. Sakura groaned. She had rostered herself to extra shifts at the hospital the past few weeks, so she had been too busy to read the scrolls that Tsunade had given her.

And blast it, she didn't think to bring them.

Sakura wanted to scream in frustration, but instead settled for dropping her face in her hands. She took several breaths, trying not to panic. Alright, so she didn't have the scrolls, but she knew that they were about surgery – Tsunade had been hinting that she would teach Sakura about ninja scalpels soon.

Not wasting another moment, Sakura jumped up from the bench and looked for an information kiosk.

It was time to visit an old friend – the local library.

* * *

Sakura was familiar with the scent of weathered pages and the sounds of mock-whispered conversations, but what awaited her upon entering the Suna library was a small room with few bookshelves. Sunlight filtered through the wide windows and bathed the room in a sepia glow. A young man barely looked up from his desk, deeply engrossed in a book. Dust motes floated lazily down on the floor, and Sakura was surprised that despite the large population of Sunagakure, there were hardly any people in the library. She filed the information for another day and made her way through medical books, only to find six books available on the subject.

Either they were really popular, or this library was severely lacking. Sakura guessed the latter, and let out a disappointing sigh. Out of the measly six, only two books looked remotely helpful. Still, she grabbed all of them, sat down on the table, and got to work.

Sakura read, and the library was silent save for the turning of pages. Most of the information in the books were already common knowledge to her, and with every hour that passed by, her panic mounted. She had half a mind to lecture the librarian about updating the library catalogue, but what was the use? She felt tears on the corner of her eyes and she angrily blinked them away, only for them to run down her cheeks.

If this was Tsunade-shishou's test, then Sakura was failing, _miserably._ She pressed her fists on her eyes, silently weeping. This was not how her first solo mission was supposed to go. All those months of training and study, only for her to fail now? Disappointment tasted bitter. In the end she was still the same girl from six months ago.

"I know my writing was bad, but surely it wasn't _that_ bad?" Sakura turned around to find an old woman smiling at her. She hurriedly wiped her tears away and stood up to bow. The old woman waved a dismissive hand. "They're better than that slug girl's writing, at least."

"No, I just…" Sakura faltered, before she turned her gaze to the books spread out on the table. Belatedly, she realised that they were all handwritten and handbound. "You wrote all of this?" The woman chuckled and pulled up a chair across from her.

"If it's good, then yes," she said. "Otherwise, no. So, why are you crying? Poor Tetsuo grabbed me when he saw you weeping over my books, you know. He thought I left a prank in one of them." Sakura guessed that the librarian she saw by the entrance was Tetsuo. "I would have done it, but it's too much trouble, you see. People don't usually go here, so what's the point?"

* * *

To say that Chiyo was surprised would be an understatement. It was rare to find someone interested in medical ninjutsu, especially someone so young. In fact, the last time someone this young was interested, it had been…

"Maybe you can help me," the pink haired girl said, eyes wide with hope. Ah, to be young again. Kids these days didn't know the horrors of war, and Chiyo prayed that they never would. "I was looking for books about surgery or chakra scalpels?" Chiyo regarded the pink-haired girl. Curiouser and curiouser.

"Why's a young'in like you interested?" she asked. "It's not for beginners, you know. If you want, I can teach you the basics instead-" The girl shook her head.

"I just need some more information," she said, biting her lower lip and sniffling. "I-I'm sorry, you probably have better things to do." She grabbed the books on the table and bowed to Chiyo before hurriedly placing the books back on the shelf.

"I'm sorry for taking up your time," the girl apologised again, bowing. "I have to leave now." Her eyes shined with unshed tears, and Chiyo sighed. She was getting too soft for her old age.

"To conduct a surgery," she said, causing the girl to still. "First you would need to administer anaesthesia to the patient-" The girl whipped around.

"Anaesthesia?" the girl echoed, body trembling.

"Well, of course," Chiyo replied, chuckling. "I imagine the hospitals would be a lot livelier if the patients were conscious during the procedure-" The girl ran back towards her and hugged her tightly.

"Of course," she said excitedly. "Of course! Thank you so much!" The girl paused before pulling back and giving her a polite bow. "I promise I will make it up to you, but for now, I have to go! Thanks again!" Chiyo waved goodbye at the girl but she had already left. Shaking her head, Chiyo turned to Tetsuo, who had been hiding himself by the bookshelves.

"That's Gaara's guest, eh?" she said, placing her hands behind her. Tetsuo nodded and adjusted his glasses.

"Sakura Haruno of Konohagakure," he supplied helpfully. Chiyo hummed.

"Ebizo was right – it seems like things will be interesting from now on."


	5. Superstitions Part I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Date Revised: May 4, 2020
> 
> Dedicated to: Everyone who has taken the time to read this. Sometimes I'm not confident in my writing skills, but I'm thankful that you chose to open this fic and stick with it.

The night Yashamaru died, the house servants prepared a bath of milk and honey for Gaara.

"It's not laced with poison, child," Joseki senior had explained. He had been called to the Kazekage's house after Gaara saw the milk bath for the first time and threatened to kill the house servants. "This is supposed to be a spiritual bath – cleansing you of evil."

"Do they really believe Shukaku could be cleansed with a _milk bath_?" Gaara had asked, angry and confused. "Are they idiots?" Joseki stared at the child's clenched fists.

"This is more for their sake than yours," he had explained, expression less stern. "It will ease their mind." Gaara had refused vehemently, storming out. No one stopped him, and he hiccupped, stifling tears as he ran out of the house and onto the rooftop. Sand swirled angrily, taking chunks off the hardened clay roof. He heard screaming from inside the house as the house servants coaxed him to come down. Shukaku cackled inside his mind.

If it is a monster they want, he whispered to Gaara, then a monster they should get. Gaara stared at the house servants and his expression darkened.

Yes. A monster they will get.

* * *

Gaara watched as a house servant entered the spacious bathroom, carrying a tray of dried herbs, flower petals and oils. Her hands shook with old age, and she stooped with her back almost parallel to the floor.

"Do you have a preference for tonight, Gaara-sama?" she croaked. "My granddaughter harvested some lavender just this morning. It is supposed to help with relaxation."

"Anything's fine," Gaara said. The old woman nodded and placed the tray on the edge of the bath tub, before dropping dried herbs and flower petals on the milky water. Grabbing a long spatula with both hands, she stirred the water a few times. After ensuring that the bath was ready, she picked up her tray and with a slight bow of her head, which nearly grazed the floor, she headed out.

Once he had accepted the task of becoming Kazekage, the house servants had once again prepared a bath of milk and honey for him. However, unlike the first time, Gaara indulged them in their superstitions. While the milk bath had no effect on Shukaku, Gaara had come to enjoy the nightly ritual.

Stripping himself of his clothes, he carefully dipped his feet in the milky water, getting used to the temperature, before fully placing himself in the bath tub. He sighed as the warm water greeted his body, leaning back until his chest was fully submerged, staring at the ceiling above with unfocused eyes.

Today had been a tiring day. His messages with the Hokage been intercepted and the Suna council would no doubt become more vigilant. Up until now, Gaara had been the paragon of humble obedience. He had listened to their lectures, endured the barbed comments they made regarding his inability to lead Sunagakure, had reigned his temper whenever they pointed out his ignorance when it came to political matters.

He had endured because he knew the Suna council had more sway with their daimyo than he would like to admit. And so, he had subjected himself to their whims, avoiding conflict like a good Kazekage candidate. It was difficult, but Gaara was determined to succeed. However, this matter with Shukaku was something that he could not disclose to them. It was bad enough that they think him mentally unstable and incapable to lead, but to give them undeniable proof? They would crush his chance of becoming Kazekage forever.

No, he thought wearily. He had come too far for that.

He rubbed his eyes as he thought back to the kunoichi sent by Konoha to help him with his dilemma. Now that he was alone and starting to relax, he realised that perhaps he was too harsh on her. She had only said the truth, and hadn't he known it himself? Even though he was disappointed, he shouldn't have lashed out like he did. If she said anything to the council, it would prove to be problematic. He would have to apologise when he next met her. He wondered how – surely it wasn't as simple as just saying 'sorry'? He had nearly broken her arms, after all. Kankuro would probably know what to do, or even Temari, but he remembered the way she looked at him that morning.

A stem of lavender floated lazily towards him and he plucked it from the milky water. He realised that he didn't want her to look at him in that way – with a mixture of fear and guilt in her eyes. He had expected fear, but not guilt. It felt almost like pity, and Gaara didn't like it one bit. His nails ran down the stem, catching the buds and causing them to fall unceremoniously back into the water.

He should probably apologise to her, too.

Mind made up, Gaara allowed himself to completely relax, letting thoughts drift away and focusing instead on his surroundings. The scent of lavender was distinct. It really did help with relaxation, he thought, breathing in deeply. Underneath the lavender, he could smell the other herbs mixed with the water – bergamot, mandarin and lemongrass. His hands held onto the edge of the tub as he slinked down further. He was acutely aware of the herbs and flower petals that touched his skin, softer than a caress, almost like whispers. Water rippled with each tiny movement, the sound calming and peaceful.

At this moment, Gaara felt that perhaps there were some truth to superstitions.

* * *

Dusk was setting in, and cold wind blew, causing Sakura to shiver. Like most buildings, the house before her was made with hardened clay, but it stood taller than most, almost five stories high. There were sets of stairs wrapping themselves on the outside of the house like chains (1). Intricate carvings lined the walls, softened with age. On closer inspection, they reminded Sakura of seals found in fuinjutsu.

"Can I help you?" An old man appeared before her, hands clasped behind his back. He wore a simple beige tunic with long sleeves. His long white hair reached the middle of his back and was tied tightly in a ponytail. He was so silent that Sakura hadn't noticed him at all. She jumped and stepped away from inspecting the carvings, feeling guilty.

"I-I'm here to see," she started. She bit her lip, unsure how she was to address Gaara. Aside from the mission, they had no relationship with each other. "I'm a guest of Gaara-san." The old man tilted his head, regarding her silently, before giving a slight nod of his head.

"Yes, Arisu-sama has mentioned a guest," he said, smiling politely. "We have prepared a room for you. Please follow me." He led the way inside the house and Sakura's eyes took in the high ceilings and modest furniture. They walked up the stairs until they reached the highest floor. The hallway had a wide window, where cold wind blew harshly. Night had fully set now, and the warmth of the desert sun was gone. Oil lamps were mounted on the walls, their lights casting high shadows as Sakura followed the old man.

Finally, they stopped in front of a nondescript door.

"Here is your room," he said, before bowing. Sakura twisted the knob and was surprised to find it unlocked.

"Is there no key?" she asked. The old man looked surprised, but soon shook his head.

"When Gaara-sama gets angry, he hates locked doors," he murmured. "None of the doors in this house are locked, I'm afraid." He quickly shuffled down the stairs, leaving Sakura with her thoughts. She quickly entered her room and shut the door, surprised to find that her ninja backpack was waiting for her by the foot of the bed. She had completely forgotten about it in her panic.

She wasn't sure if Gaara knew that she was already here, and she didn't know how long his hospitality will last. She had better start planning a way to persuade him to let her stay.

She crawled into bed and rested her back on the wall. Opening her bag, she found the meagre food she had brought with her. She didn't realise that she had spent most of the day reading and trying to find a solution, and now her stomach growled.

Planning would have to wait.

* * *

Gaara exited out of the bath, muscles relax and mind calm. A white towel hung precariously on his hips, and yet another towel was on top of his head, soaking the dampness from his hair. An old man waited outside the hallway and bowed low upon seeing him, his long white hair reaching the floor.

"Gaara-sama," Akito said. "How was the bath?" Gaara stared at the house servant and grunted. Akito was the oldest servant in their service yet Gaara didn't trust him in the slightest.

Of course he knew that all of the servants in the house were sent as spies by the Suna Council. It had been that way since his father's time. Most did not like the idea of keeping the title of Kazekage to one clan. It meant that one clan had power over others, and that was dangerous to them. Precautions had been taken to ensure that power was contained, because power led to corruption.

Gaara was living proof of that. He was born from corruption, had _lived_ in corruption. Corruption was something that he was painfully familiar with.

"Why are you here," he said, moving towards his room. "Does Rokuro-san have something to say to me?"

"I do not know this Rokuro-san you speak of, Gaara-sama," Akito said, smiling politely. "I am here only to serve the Kazekage family." Servants like him made Gaara's skin crawl. He had no patience for duplicity. "I am only here to inform you that your visitor has settled into her room." Gaara halted in his steps.

"Where is she currently staying?" he asked.

"I have placed her in the room next to yours, as per Arisu-sama's orders."

"And her belongings?"

"Thoroughly searched, as per Arisu-sama's orders." Gaara gritted his teeth. Those pesky Suna council members were getting on his last nerve. He had no idea how much they knew or suspected, but he couldn't chance it. "Gaara-sama, would you like to-"

It would be so easy to just kill them all, he thought for the umpteenth time as he shut the door in Akito's face.

* * *

Sakura was started awake at the sound of knocking at her door. Wiping the drool on the side of her mouth discreetly, she stood up. She must have been more tired than she had thought, for her to fall asleep after eating her food. Wrapping the thin blanket around her, she hurried to open the door. Without warning, Gaara pushed his way into her room, his sand closing the door behind him.

"Your bag was searched," he said simply, crossing his arms. "Did you have anything that could incriminate you?" Sakura shook her head and moved to the bed. Gaara followed.

"I only brought necessities," she clarified. She looked around the room and lowered her voice to a whisper. "If they searched my bag, do you thinking they bugged this place as well?" Gaara shook his head.

"They don't dare," he stated. He paused, and his eyes flickered down to her arms briefly. "I apologise for my behaviour before. It was…not proper of me."

Understatement of the year.

"No, the fault lay with me," she said instead, bowing her head. She wanted nothing more than to give him a piece of her mind, but he was a client, and this was a mission of top priority. Courtesy was expected. "It is not my place to question the mission. Although, if you can give me another chance, I think that I may have found a solution to your problem."

"Oh?" Gaara said, "And what is it?" Sakura noted how he was careful to keep his distance, choosing instead to lean against the wall furthest from her.

"Anaesthesia," she said, smiling thinly, inwardly proud of her revelation. "It's just a theory, but I believe that it could work. If we can administer you a strong enough dosage, even if the bijuu takes over, the muscles of your body will be too relaxed to be of any use."

"It may be possible," he said, furrowing his brows in thought. "But my bijuu speeds my healing. It will take only a few minutes for Shukaku to clear my system of the drug."

"If I monitor you, I can re-administer the drug as necessary," she replied readily, thankful that she had thought of the logistics before she had fallen asleep.

Gaara sighed and shook his head. "That is not advisable. The sand acts independent of my will. Once I'm unconscious, I can't guarantee your safety. It's highly possible that Shukaku may still be able to control it and use it to hurt you."

"Then please give me more time," Sakura pleaded, wrapping the blanket tighter around her. "I'll research further, if necessary. I don't want to fail this mission." Not now. Not when she was actually making progress. Gaara regarded her for a long moment before nodding.

"I understand," he said. "We will talk more in the morning." He turned to leave and Sakura stood to follow him.

"Goodnight," she said as she opened the door for him. Gaara tilted his head and walked past her, the scent of lavender following him.

"Goodnight."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (1) Search Sunagakure Academy on Google images and that's sort of how I envisioned Gaara's house to look like.


	6. Family is Family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Date Revised: May 12, 2020

Sleep did not come easy again to Sakura.

There was a familiar itch in her chest; a dull ache that wouldn't relent; the calm before the storm. She tossed and turned.

In the darkness, her thoughts manifested themselves in vivid visions of Sharingan eyes and the sound of a thousand chirping birds, of Naruto's body lying battered and bruised in the hospital, of the hand he raised as he bid her farewell without looking back, of the grey Konoha sky that greeted her when she opened her eyes on that park bench all those months ago.

What she wouldn't do to go back in time and do things right. But wasn't that the weakness in her talking?

In real life, there are no do-overs, Tsunade had once said to her after their daily medical training. Once a life is gone, you can't bring it back. You'll just have to keep pushing forward. When you're out there on the field, you have to realise you can't save everybody. The sooner you come to peace with that, the better off you'll be.

_Naruto's blue eyes looked at her lovingly. Blood ran down his lips, and his hand clutched her arm, a gaping hole where his chest should have been._

" _If you were stronger," he whispered, "If you were stronger, I would still be alive. But it's okay, Sakura chan," the hold on her arm loosened as the light in his eyes dimmed._

" _I'd die for you."_

Her breathing came out in gasps, eyes wide and staring at the ceiling. Tears ran down her cheeks and her shoulders shook as she stifled sobs. Was it a mere dream? A premonition? Whatever it was, it shook her to the core.

Wrapping the blanket around her shoulders, she forced herself out of bed, to move and do something, _anything_ , to keep her mind from her thoughts. If she was in Konoha, she could busy herself at the hospital, but somehow, she didn't think they would allow her to work here.

Frustrated, she walked towards the window, shoving the heavy curtains aside. She took a deep breath, the chilly air sharp and welcome.

Suna laid below her, a large sprawling mass of houses and streets. Above, the bare night sky stretched out, an endless dark cloak enveloping itself around the city. Under the moon and stars, Sakura felt inconsequential.

And strangely, it comforted her.

The world did not revolve around her; there were bigger things in life than her fears and dreams; it would continue tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after…

She considered exploring the city to keep her mind off her thoughts, but she had drawn chakra into her hands and feet, silently climbing out of her room before she could stop herself.

If she wanted to keep her mind busy, there was always the strange markings she had noticed around the house.

Finally finding a purpose, she walked stealthily down the wall of the house, wrapping the blanket tightly around her shoulders to keep it from falling. There, a few metres away from her and close to a set of stairs that wound around the house, was an intricate carving. Careful to avoid windows, she drew closer and tried to decipher it, to no avail.

Fuinjutsu didn't interest her, but she had read a few scrolls on the subject when she wanted to give her mind a break from the medical scrolls. The script before her was familiar, yet… _not_. She traced one of the scripts with a finger, frowning.

"Why is our _esteemed guest_ walking along the walls of our house?"

Gasping, Sakura whirled around to find Kankuro on the set of stairs above her, looking at her curiously. If not for his voice, she wouldn't have recognised him. Without his warrior face paint and usual uniform, she could see the resemblance between him and Gaara. Licking her lips, she stretched them into a hesitant smile.

"I couldn't sleep."

He quirked a brow and folded his arms. "You _do_ know it looks more like you're sneaking and snooping, right?" She walked up until she found herself next to him.

"I didn't mean to."

Kankuro shrugged. "I don't particularly care what you do, but be careful. Gaara's vouching for you, so the least you could do is keep out of trouble." She felt her ears turn red and stared at the floor. "They don't like him, you know - the Suna council. Well, _most_ of them."

She raised her eyes. "And what about you?" Sakura watched him carefully – noted the way he shifted his weight from one foot to the other, the way his eyes sized her up to see if she could be trusted, the way he imperceptibly loosened his stance.

"What about me?"

"Do you like your brother?"

"I don't have to like him," Kankuro replied after a pause. "Family is family." He lifted his eyes skywards and Sakura inadvertently did the same.

"Gaara and Temari are all I have left."

She felt, more than heard, his loneliness. Did Kankuro feel oppressed by the weight of the sky just as much as she felt comforted by it?

Did Gaara?

* * *

Kankuro watched the girl as she finally walked up the wall and back into her room. When he was satisfied she was out of earshot, he called out to his sister.

"Did you find out anything?" Temari emerged from the shadows, blond hair falling in loose waves by her shoulders.

She held up a small photograph, smirking. "I told you she looked familiar." In her hands was a photo of the girl, with one Naruto and Sasuke. "She was their teammate."

"She must not have been that strong if we don't remember her," Kankuro said, clicking his tongue and snatching the photo to look at it more closely. "Did you find out her name?"

"Sakura Haruno."

Kankuro grunted and gave the photo back. Her parents must have been simpletons. He glanced at Sakura's window. "Why do you think she was here?"

"Beats me," his sister said, crossing her arms. "But I don't trust her. There's no way Konoha nin can just waltz here without an ulterior motive." He hummed in agreement.

Even though their invasion of Konoha had happened nearly a year ago, both countries were still suffering casualties. The wound was too fresh to be forgotten.

"Maybe she really _did_ come here for Gaara's Kazekage ceremony?"

Temari rolled her eyes. "Two things, dumbass – Gaara's ceremony won't happen until _at least_ six months from now. There's no way the council will let him become Kazekage any sooner. Who knows what those geezers are planning, but it can't be good." Kankuro hummed.

Ebizo-jiisama's decision was final, but there were other ways to disqualify Gaara from the position. Most of the Suna council held a personal grudge against their brother, and while the two of them had been able to foil their plans, Sakura Haruno could be their brother's downfall.

The poor girl had no idea the political warfare she had just walked into.

"You said two things," Kankuro reminded his sister. "What's the other reason?" Temari waved the photo in her hand.

"If she came here to be a diplomat from Konoha, then why did she bring a standard ninja backpack with her?"

* * *

When Sakura woke up, she found Temari staring down at her, hands on hips and insisting she join them for breakfast. Disoriented, she had readily agreed.

Now, she sat with Kankuro and Temari, Gaara strangely absent, a plate of porridge placed before her. Smelling the breakfast, Sakura's stomach growled.

"By your leave, Temari-sama, Kankuro-sama, esteemed guest," one of the servants said, bowing low before vacating the spacious dining hall.

It happened very quickly.

A string of chakra erupted from Kankuro, moving the other chairs in the dining room against the doors, effectively blocking anyone from entering. Temari slapped the spoon of porridge from Sakura's grasp, knocking it on the floor.

The two siblings sat on the table in front of her, displeased.

"What are they teaching Konoha nin these days?" Temari asked, incredulous. "Or is it that _you're_ just too stupid?"

Affronted, Sakura stood up from her seat and stared at the siblings eye to eye. "I'll have you know I graduated – "

"Did you check for poison?" the older girl challenged, and Sakura sat back down abruptly, eyes wide. Poison? Why would –

"You can't trust the servants," Kankuro said, wagging a finger. "You can't trust anyone, period. Don't they teach that at your academy?" Sakura's ears turned beet red, embarrassed.

"Then I shouldn't trust you, either," she spat out.

Temari smirked. "Obviously. But you're Gaara's guest, and it's humiliating for us to have you die in _our_ house, under his protection." She clicked her tongue. "Those servants are getting bolder these days."

Kankuro shrugged, twirling a kunai around his finger before slamming it on Sakura's porridge, breaking the ceramic bowl.

"She's easy prey, Temari," he said, pulling the kunai back to reveal a few damp leaves. Sakura's eyes widened. They placed poisonous leaves in her porridge?

Her heart thudded in her chest at how close she was to dying a painful death.

"I'm a Konoha diplomat," she stammered, unable to take her eyes away from the leaves.

She could have died.

She could have died!

The realisation turned her stomach and she placed a hand over her mouth, trying to keep what little food she ate yesterday down.

Temari stared at her with what could only be described as pity.

"Well, you're not fooling anyone."

* * *

Temari led the shaking girl out of the house, under the pretence of showing her around the city. The servants bowed their heads and said nothing. Kankuro had returned back to his room after the confrontation, and they left the mess in the kitchen to be cleaned up.

"It's not usually like that," Temari said after sitting Sakura down at one of the more populated restaurants. Many curious glances were casted at the pink haired girl across from her, but the villagers knew better than to ask questions. "But first thing you should know about living in our house is that we always check for poison. _Always_." She watched as Sakura picked at the food in front of her, no doubt checking for any more poisonous leaves.

What was her brother thinking, bringing an unsuspecting girl into the house? Their house wasn't a home – it was a carefully maintained battlefield, and every move wasn't made without a purpose. The poisonous porridge was just the start, and if Sakura couldn't keep up, she wouldn't last.

Arisu senior had warned her about Sakura's arrival, and had done everything she could to dissuade Gaara from keeping her so close. Was he so confident he could take care of this girl even with all the threat from the council? Or did he let his anger get the best of him again?

Temari sighed. Knowing her brother, it was most likely the latter. The more Arisu senior pushed him, the more he probably felt compelled to have Sakura in their house, just to spite the old woman.

"Your best bet is probably to stick with Gaara," Sakura's face paled. "If you can. The servants wouldn't dare do anything in front of him. He's," insane, unhinged, unpredictable? "He's easily irritated."

Sakura worried her lip but nodded.

Temari played with the napkin in front of her, folding a paper crane. "I don't want to know why Gaara brought you here, and into our house. But you're not in Konoha anymore. There is no friendly face here without an ulterior motive."

"Even you?" Sakura said, finally speaking. Their eyes locked.

"Especially me."


	7. It's a matter of trust

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Date last revised: May 17, 2020

Sakura was thankful when Temari finally left the table. She was even more thankful to find the older girl had already paid for her meal. In their haste to leave the house, she'd forgotten to bring her wallet.

Finally alone, she took her time to gather her thoughts. Her emotions were jumbled, overwhelming and all over the place; she had to sort them out, otherwise, she'd go crazy. Already, a headache was starting to form.

There was a large part of her that was scared beyond belief at being forced to undertake this mission alone. She could admit that. Their mission with Tazuna-san was _nothing_ compared to this. Even though that mission was just as dangerous, she had Team 7. Out here, she had no one.

Well, unless she included Gaara, what with him being the client and all. Though, remembering what he nearly did to her arm just yesterday, she couldn't trust him. Not really.

But even though she was scared (and she was _terrified_ ), a small part of her was angry – at herself and everyone else.

She was angry at herself for letting her guard down. Temari was right, she should have checked the food before eating. It was stupid of her to assume she was in friendly territory. This was a _mission_ , after all.

But still! How dare they try to poison a guest? And so early in the morning, no less? Those servants had no sense of decorum. Couldn't they have waited until she had something in her stomach before taking a stab at killing her? And she had eaten so little the night before as well.

Shoving food angrily in her mouth, she held on to her anger, stoking it until it was a burning fire of rage inside her.

* * *

Gaara didn't look up when the Konoha girl barged into the Kazekage office, too engrossed with his weekly reading.

Even though the council hated the thought of him becoming the Godaime Kazekage, they never neglected in their duties to teach him the responsibility of the job. He had assigned readings almost daily, and even though he found them tedious, he was too stubborn to complain.

This week, Ryusa senior gave him several documents of Sunagakure's budget for the past decade, and had tasked him with drafting a proposal for changes he wanted to implement once he became the Kazekage.

It was all _so boring_.

"Your house servants attempted to poison me," the girl said, snapping him out of his thoughts.

He repressed a sigh and lowered the book he was reading. "You're still alive, aren't you?" He saw her mouth open to retort and held up a hand to stop her.

"I had high hopes that a few poisoned food wouldn't kill you since you're a medic. Am I wrong?"

 _If you died because of a poison, then it just proved you wouldn't have been up for the job,_ was unsaid, but the insinuation was there.

Her idea from last night had some merit, but what he needed was something tangible, something practical. They could theorise all they want, but if she couldn't give him results, then it was useless.

He hated to admit it, but he was running out of time.

"That's beside the point," the girl retorted, "As a client, the least you could do is provide me with a safe environment so I can carry out my mission effectively."

He rubbed his eyes, weary. "Believe me when I say my residence is the safest place for you. If you left right now, I can't guarantee your life." Why couldn't the girl just cooperate? He had bigger things to worry about than this. "You're not from Suna. They don't trust you."

The girl sighed, shoulders sagging for a moment before she raised her head and stared at him with narrowed eyes. "You don't trust me either, do you?"

He shrugged. "Does it matter?"

* * *

Sakura didn't know why she bothered – she was half-expecting his response, but it still stung. Deep down, she had been hoping for some camaraderie, or tentative friendship, or _something_. Anything to make her feel like she wasn't alone.

Approaching a playground, Sakura found herself walking towards the swing. She sat down and watched as little children ran around, carefree faces filled with laughter and smiles. None of them were interested in the playground, but instead were in the middle of a game of tag.

It was stupid, she knew it was, but watching them, she imagined what her and Sasuke-kun's kids would look like. She had thought about it a million times before, especially when they had first been placed in Team 7.

In her mind their kids would be smart and powerful, and all of them would have the Sharingan – that was a given. They wouldn't inherit her pink hair, but maybe one or two of them would inherit her eyes. The thought of green eyes bleeding into Sharingan never failed to make her smile.

Their kids would always have packed lunch, and all of them would graduate early from the Academy (because she wouldn't allow them to slack from their studies), and maybe Hinata could be their jounin teacher. She would be gentle yet firm with them, and Sakura had a feeling that she wouldn't take the responsibility lightly.

Sasuke would come back from missions and give her a kiss on the forehead in front of the kids. They would make faces, but they'd forget about it in a moment because all would be trying to get their father's attention and tell him their adventures at school while she set the table for dinner.

Sasuke would laugh, eyes crinkling, and he would listen to all their stories patiently because this was what he wanted, what they wanted-

A sharp cry brought Sakura out of her reverie and she rushed to the little girl who was clutching her knee and wailing. The other kids saw her approaching and blocked her way.

"What are you looking at?" One of the boys asked, little hands clenched into fists. She assumed he was the leader of their group. "Go away!"

Another boy raised their fists. "Look, she's wearing a Konoha headband!" At once, the kids looked at her with hatred in their eyes. Shocked, she did her best to compose herself.

"I'm not here to fight," she said, raising her hands in peace. "I just wanted to help. I'm a medic." She pointed at the little girl, the only one who didn't direct a hateful gaze towards her. "I can heal her."

"Don't touch her!" yelled the leader, jumping in front of Sakura with arms outstretched. "You're gonna kill her like you killed our daddies!" She froze, heart breaking. Staring at the group of children before her, she realised that they were all most likely orphans.

She blinked tears from her eyes. Kami, was that why everyone didn't trust her, wouldn't trust her? She felt sick – what could she possibly say that would make them understand? In their eyes, she was Konoha herself.

And here, Konoha was evil.

She casted a quick genjutsu on her headband as she pointed at it. "Look, I'm not from-" she cleared her throat, "I'm from Amegakure, see?" She lowered her head so the children could see. Warily, the leader lowered his arms, frowning.

"Onee-chan, can you heal her?" he finally asked, face crumpling. She nodded and finally approached the little girl, slowly, as if she was approaching an injured animal.

She allowed chakra to coat her hands and placed them just above the girl's knee. "This might sting a little, but I promise it'll only be for a little bit." The little girl nodded and squeezed her eyes shut. Sakura made quick work of the wound and hummed when she finally finished.

"You were very brave," she said, smiling at the little girl. The girl peeked at her injury and shock filled her face to find her knee good as new. "Make sure to look where you're running, alright?" The other kids crowded around the little girl to check that her injury was fully healed, and Sakura stood up, dusting her dress.

The leader approached her shyly. "I'm sorry, onee-chan," he said, head bowed. "Thanks for healing my sister." Embarrassed, he quickly bolted, tapping the little girl on the shoulder.

Their game resumed once more.

* * *

The first thing Sakura did as soon as she retrieved her wallet was to leave her hitai-ate behind. She debated on setting traps in her room, but realised that there was nothing worth taking in her bag and it would be a wasted effort. Perhaps she would set traps later, once she was done with today's tasks.

With her measly mission allowance, she bought clothes more suited for Suna's climate and hurriedly changed. She was thankful that she spent most of her time in the library – not a lot of the civilians recognised her as a Konoha nin and treated her as amicably as they would a tourist when she walked through the market square.

It was overwhelming and energetic and so completely different from Konoha.

The place was crowded, nearly bursting at the seams, but unlike the barren dessert, the marketplace was full of colour. It was vibrant, pulsing, loud and so _alive_.

Sellers called out to her with their wares – polished gemstones woven into bracelets and necklaces, decorative plates and brightly coloured fabrics that quickly drew the eye. More abled men moved through the streets carrying equipment, sweat dotting their faces and soaking their shirts.

Food stall vendors fanned the smoke from their cooking to entice pedestrians, the mouth-watering smell of cooked meat and spices filling the air. Heady, heavy incense were present in each shop, each with their own scents, conjuring up specific memories in Sakura's mind as she smelled the sea in one shop, and the forest in another.

Little children carried baskets of flowers, targeting and persuading any couple walking past. Older women sat outside their shops, gossiping with their neighbours while fanning themselves cool. Buskers were scattered in the streets, singing and playing instruments for a few spare ryo.

She moved through the street, stopping by every stall and shop, telling herself that she was gathering information. But who was she kidding? The energy in the marketplace was so infectious and she couldn't help but be swept away by it. There were so many unfamiliar street food to try, so many beautiful fabrics and interesting items to buy.

Finally, she found herself in front of a bookshop. The door was wide open, and the smell of incense hit her nose, smelling faintly of spice. She ventured in and was vaguely disappointed at the small number of books on the shelves. An old lady manned the counter and looked up before giving her a smile.

"How can I help you, dear?" she asked, tucking wisps of stray white hair behind her ear.

Sakura couldn't help but smile back. "I was hoping to find books on medicine," she explained as she stared at the categories written on the shelves. "But I don't think – " the old lady waved her hand dismissively.

"Oh dear, we have heaps more," she said pointing to the corner of the room. "Just walk through there." There was a small set of stairs going down.

For a moment Sakura wondered if the woman was a spy sent by the council, or by Temari or Kankuro, before inwardly shaking her head. She was sure she could handle an old woman well enough. Resolved, Sakura walked towards the short flight of steps, and pushed the heavy door with ease.

Kami.

There were books _everywhere_. The room was filled from floor to ceiling with them – crammed in bookshelves, piled high on the floor, scattered haphazardly on the tables and chair provided. Sakura salivated at the sight.

Taking a deep breath, she savoured the smell of paper and ink. Compared to the Suna library with its paltry amount of books, this was _heaven_. She ran her hands on the spines of the books, eyes scanning the titles – each title sending a jolt of excitement in the pit of her stomach.

And there, furthest from the door was a wall dedicated entirely to books on medicine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY I HAVE UPLOADED THE CURRENT CHAPTERS FOR THIS STORY ON AO3! Woohoo! Here are my author's notes from ff.net:
> 
> Yesss, chapter seven is done and dusted!
> 
> Thank you to everyone who reviewed my story, I really appreciated it. This chapter is for all of you, I did my utmost to update as early as I could. I read your reviews when I'm about to lose steam and it really gave me the motivation to write! So thank you thank you thank you!
> 
> I'm wondering if someone has noticed something I've been hinting since Chapter 4? There's a significance there hehe. I'll reveal it when it's the right time, but for now I'd love to know what you think hehe
> 
> One thing that you may (?) have noticed in this chapter (and maybe the others) is the parallel-ish of them. At the start, Sakura's thoughts are overwhelming and it frustrates her, whereas she also found the marketplace overwhelming and yet she relishes in it. I have my own thoughts about this, but I'd love to know what you think. And can you find more examples of it in the story so far? (I'm sprayed them everywhere seriously haha).
> 
> ANYWAY! For this chapter, I sort of had an idea of what I wanted to happen, but as always, it didn't happen! (are we surprised at this point? Haha)
> 
> This chapter is pivotal for Sakura, which is why this was mostly in her point of view. She has made a couple of mistakes in her first day at Suna, but she's quick to bounce into action. Go Sakura, go! We're going to start seeing Sakura assert herself (hopefully, plot permitting)
> 
> AND ALSO I had a lot of fun describing Suna – the descriptions flowed easily enough for me to write, although maybe I'm still lacking a bit in description of them. But it was really fun. I hope I brought you a slice of Suna to enjoy. I love exploring location and the importance of it in stories, so expect more of that from me.
> 
> I'm in the middle of my assignment but honestly, writing this is much more interesting than what I'm doing haha.
> 
> I'll see you in the next chapter, where Sakura makes some progress, maybe! Please look forward to it!


	8. Omake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Date last revised: May 27, 2020
> 
> Author's Notes: Hi everyone, elleurs here! I'd like to thank everyone for their support! This week I won't be able to update because this weekend is my birthday! (I'm 26 y'all haha) So, to tide you guys over, I thought I would post here the scenes I had written but scrapped. I keep them just in case I use them, but I figure why not compile them for your reading pleasure?
> 
> Officially, these aren't bloopers because bloopers mean 'an embarrassing error' and I'm not embarrassed about these haha – they're more like deleted scenes/outtakes/premonitions (take your pick).
> 
> Some I will reuse, especially if I ever rewrite this story, but that's a long way away.
> 
> I included my own thoughts before each scene to give you an explanation on why I scrapped it. Legit guys, I have written a lot of unused scenes, so this will be a long chapter (compared to how much I usually write).
> 
> I HAVE ALSO INCLUDED A GAASAKU MOMENT FOR YOU GUYS. If you're not interested in most of these scenes, then just scroll down to CHAPTER FIVE. This is the closest GaaSaku moment I can give you guys but I'm sorry it's so ooc huhu.
> 
> I hope you enjoy, and I'll see you guys again next update!

**Chapter One: In which Baki coaxes Gaara into meeting with the council**

**Why I scrapped it:** I wasn't sure about this scene. It worked in the original version, but not so much when I was rewriting it. I liked this version though, because it shows Gaara in a more realistic light. In my opinion, Gaara's personality wouldn't change overnight, and I was trying to correct this from first chapter. Which version do you like better?

-o-

"The Suna council wishes to speak with you."

Gaara snorted. "They're wasting their time – I don't want to be the Kazekage. Give it to someone else."

"I agree with you," Baki readily admitted, "But the decision wasn't mine to make."

Laughter bubbled from his student. "Do they wish the village to die in my hands that badly?" He directed his gaze at this teacher, mocking. "The Suna council is more foolish than I thought."

"The needs of the village trumps the wants of a few." Silence stretched between the two as Baki patiently waited for his answer.

"I'll meet them tomorrow. But not tonight – I want to be alone."

Baki bowed his head.

"Of course."

* * *

**Chapter One: In which the Suna Council waits for Gaara to meet them**

**Why I scrapped it:** I actually liked this scene because it gives more insight to the types of people some of the council were. I might add this once I decide to rewrite the story!

-o-

"Is the jinchuuriki coming?"

The large, round table in the council room had been replaced with a long table to accommodate the twelve council members in one neat row.

"Patience, Tojuro," Goza said from the other end of the table.

No sooner did Goza utter the words when the jinchuuriki appeared before the council in a flurry of sand. He stood before the council with arms crossed, posture poised to fight.

Unkempt auburn hair framed his pale, narrow face and partially covered the kanji of 'love' on his forehead. The edges of his eyes were dark from lack of sleep. Dark red splotches scarred his garments, a visible warning for those who drew near him.

"Kami, when was the last time you had a haircut, child?" Joseki said, frowning. "You look like you grew up in the wilderness."

Yumi tittered in agreement. "We cannot have the future Godaime Kazekage looking like this. Goodness, I'll have to have someone make new clothes for you."

* * *

**Chapter One: In which Ebizo-jiisama convinces Gaara to become Kazekage**

**Why I scrapped it:** I just didn't like the way I wrote Gaara and Ebizo here. Ebizo was too manipulative, and Gaara too easily swayed for my liking. Also I feel like if anyone said the last line to me in real life, I'd punch them in the face haha.

-o-

"Being the Godaime Kazekage will give you powers Shukaku cannot."

"I find that hard to believe."

Ebizo could feel the discomfort of his colleagues at the jinchuuriki's agitation and he lamented at the state of the village. Since when had Sunagakure bent its back to follow the whims of a mere boy?

He straightened in his seat. "It can give you respect -"

Sand poured out from the boy's gourd and covered the floor of the council room. "I don't need respect."

"- Loyalty -"

The sand twisted and turned until it towered over the council like a wave, waiting to swallow them whole. Next to him, Tojuro's body trembled with fear. "I don't need loyalty."

" - Love."

The boy stilled, and in the haunted silence, Ebizo chose his next words carefully.

"Lend us your strength and we will make sure you are loved."

* * *

**Chapter One: In which Gaara was defeated by Naruto during Konoha Crush**

**Why I scrapped it:** There was something in this scene that I couldn't leave behind. I liked how this was written during Konoha Crush, and I think if I started Chapter One with this scene, it would have been better. But it's just too vague! He allowed himself to hope – about what? I was wracking my brains on what, but I couldn't answer myself – so I ended up not using it huhu

-o-

 _Only the weak hope,_ Shukaku had whispered in Gaara's ears during his childhood. _They hope because they are too weak to do anything by themselves._

For the longest time, Gaara believed it to be true, and so he lived for himself, to satisfy himself and the bijuu inside of him. The only hope he entertained was the hope he could continue to re-affirm his existence each day. That was his purpose in life.

 _Had_ been his purpose in life, before his utter defeat.

His injuries were so severe he couldn't even grimace when Kankuro and Temari yanked him painfully to his feet as they headed back home. Shukaku was silent, and Gaara experienced for the first time the weight of his thoughts in its entirety.

Anger, frustration, shame – the emotions were his, and his alone.

He stared at the Konohagakure sky from Kankuro's back, felt the cold, crisp wind of autumn on his cheeks. Tears sprang to his eyes, not from the pain, but from the realisation that came with defeat.

His purpose in life was flawed. He felt foolish and thoroughly chided.

And like the weak person he now was, he allowed himself to hope.

* * *

**Chapter Three: In which Gaara loses interest in his paperwork and lets his control slip**

**Why I scrapped it:** I really liked this scene actually – it shows Gaara's slipping control over Shukaku which would have increased tension. I might slip this scene in future chapters. But the reason why I scrapped it for this chapter was because I wanted to showcase his relationship with Temari more. This scene is very in your face? In a way? And the scene with Temari was more subtle – well, subtler than this, haha!

-o-

Killing people was easy, but diplomacy was another thing altogether. It did not come naturally to him.

He frowned, realising he had been rereading the same paragraph for a while now. Allowing himself a groan of frustration, he leaned back on his chair in the Kazekage office and stared out his window. The moon was waning, and there were no clouds in sight. The sky was clear, a piercing black marred by twinkling stars. He itched to roam on the desert in such a night as this, and he was a person who listened to his wants.

With a wave of his hand, sand gathered the papers on his desk and arranged them neatly into piles and smothered the fire within the oil lamp. He raised himself on the window ledge and breathed the cold air. Below him, the city was fast asleep, and yet he had never felt so alive. His legs ached to run after sitting for so long, and his fingers cramped from signing so many paperwork.

It was a far cry from his old pastime.

Jumping down from the ledge, he landed nimbly on his feet, barely making a sound. He closed his eyes for a moment before licking his lips, a sinister smile on his face. His fingers twitched, and before a cry could be uttered, his sand had wrapped themselves completely on the two shinobi who had been lying in wait for him for the past hour. Only their eyes were visible, and they showed fear. Gaara shivered with sadistic pleasure.

"Paperwork can be such a bore," he said, licking his lips. "But I am glad I found some entertainment." Their eyes darted, and muffled screams could be heard. Gaara approached one of the shinobi, raising himself with his sand until he was eye level.

"It does not matter who sent you," he whispered, drawing so close that his face filled the shinobi's view. "Because you will die, tonight."

Gaara's eyes filled with delight upon hearing the shinobi's muffled cries, and he drew back so that the shinobi could see his outstretched hand. The shinobi looked at him, eyes pleading for mercy.

"Sabaku Soso."

His eyes closed in ecstasy as splattered blood rained upon his skin. It felt wonderful, the warm blood like gentle caresses, a lover's embrace. He sighed in contentment, relishing the feeling. Once the blood had dried on his skin, he turned his gaze on the remaining shinobi.

"Now then," Gaara said, eyes wide with barely contained frenzy. "Make me feel alive."

* * *

**Chapter Four: In which Temari finds Sakura outside the Kazekage building**

**Why I scrapped it:** This was the scene that _just wouldn't work._ I wanted to introduce Temari to Sakura, but it seemed too forced, too out of character for them both. I think it didn't work because it was in Temari's POV.

The only thing I liked about this scene was how Temari stole from Sakura to find her identity, and that's the only thing I kept when I wrote Chapter Six (haha) Obviously I did keep Temari's scepticism on Sakura, but I turned it up a notch, which I thought was better. But I don't know – could this scene have worked?

Also, I didn't like how I portrayed Suna here, and I enjoyed writing it much more in Chapter Seven!

-o-

"What are you doing here?" Sakura's head snapped up and she found Temari in front her. "You look like you're about to cry." Sakura jumped up from her seat and bowed. She couldn't tell anyone that Gaara had effectively ended her mission, and even though they were siblings, she wasn't if she could trust them. Gaara didn't seem to.

"Ah, I didn't know where I could buy food," she said lamely. "I haven't eaten all day." This was true enough. Temari looked at her closely before shrugging.

"Let's go, then," she said, motioning for Sakura to follow. "We can't have Gaara's guest starving."

-o-

The girl before her was hungrily eating at a small restaurant in the heart of Suna, showing no signs of stopping.

"You're that hungry, huh?" she asked amused. "Are you here on a mission?" The girl wiped her mouth with her arm and shook her head.

"I'm here because Naruto couldn't-" she burped. "-go to the Kazekage ceremony. Thanks for the food."

"Usually, you say that _before_ eating," Temari pointed out. "But you seem distracted." The girl shrugged and pushed her empty bowl away.

"I'm just homesick, I guess," she said. "I'm only here until Gaara becomes Kazekage, so I don't think I'll stay here for long." Temari laughed. Oh no. It seemed no one told her about Sunagakure and its traditions. Poor girl.

"Gaara won't become Kazekage for another six months, _at least_ ," she said, not unkindly. The girl's face paled. "He has to finish all of the festivities and rituals before he can even become Kazekage. Sorry to burst your bubble, but you'll be here a while."

"You're joking."

"I'm not," Temari said, smiling. "Don't tell me you only packed enough for a few days?" The girl placed her head in her hands and groaned, causing a few patrons to look their way.

"I had no idea," she said, dropping her head on the table. "None of my clothes are suited to this weather, I'm sweating like a pig here." Temari gave the girl a onceover and silently agreed. Even though she had worn a crop top and shorts, the fabric of her garments weren't suitable in the Suna heat.

"I can bring you to the shops around here and you can buy more appropriate clothes before taking you back to your room," Temari suggested, dropping a few coins on their table before leading the girl outside the restaurant to the shopping district a few streets away. Expertly, she moved through the crowd, glaring at the predatory street vendors before they could start their well-rehearsed sales pitch.

"Don't trust a word they say," she said, swatting away a small child. "And watch out for the kids – they're thieves, the lot of them." Finally, they squeezed through the throngs of people and Temari pushed Sakura into a small clothing establishment. A young woman with dark brown hair appeared before them and bowed deeply.

"Welcome to our shop," she said amiably. "I'm Amane, how can I help?" Temari jerked a thumb at the girl behind her.

"She's Gaara's guest," she said. The effect was instantaneous. Amane's eyes widened and her whole body trembled. "Find some suitable clothes for her. I don't have to say anything else, do I?"

 _If you screw with her, you're dead_.

"I'll be back in an hour," Temari said before leaving the girl in Amane's hands. Once she was sure that the girl wasn't following her, she took out the wallet she had surreptitiously taken and stared at the name on her ID. Her eyes narrowed.

Haruno Sakura, she thought as she jumped to a rooftop and made her way towards Gaara's office. Why was she really here?

* * *

**Chapter Five: In which Gaara is taking his purification bath**

**Why I scrapped it:** Truthfully, I didn't want to scrap this! I really didn't uwuuu but the more I thought about it, the more I realised that it was just very out of character for them both. I loved writing this part though so here's some GaaSaku interaction for you guys hehe. Enjoy!

-o-

Hearing a commotion, his eyes snapped open and he raised himself from the tub in one fluid motion. Petals and herbs clung to his skin. He reached out to grab a towel. Frowning, he tied the towel around his waist and hurried out of the room, sand slithering out of his gourd to follow him.

There, the pink haired kunoichi from leaf was arguing vehemently with one of the maids.

"Look," she said, hands on hips. "It won't even take a minute, I just really need to talk to him!" One of the housemaids bowed.

"I apologise, esteemed guest, but Gaara-sama is busy-"

"What about me?" he said, making his presence known.

-o-

Gaara stood from the top of the stairs, fresh from a bath. His usually unruly red hair was now damp, and clung to his face and softened his normally sharp features. Flower petals and herbs clung to his skin like splashes of paint on white canvas, and the drops of water gleamed under the dim lights. The white towel hung precariously on his hips, the length short enough to cause Sakura's cheeks to flush.

"I thought I told you to go back to Konoha, kunoichi," he said, snapping Sakura out of her thoughts. Mortified, she looked away.

"I can't," she stammered. "I have to talk to you!" He stared at her for a few moments, eyes narrowed.

"Alright," he finally said. "We can continue this while I bathe." Sakura's mind spluttered to a halt and her face twitched, unsure of what expression she should have on her face.

"I'm sorry?" she managed to choke out, sure she was red from head to toe.

"I was in the middle of a purification bath," Gaara said. "You interrupted it."

"I'm so sorry!" she cried, flailing her arms. "I'll wait until after you're done." Gaara leaned onto the banister and crossed his arms, annoyed. Traitorously, Sakura's eyes were immediately drawn to the towel, which had slipped lower on his hips. She gulped, suddenly feeling too hot.

"Suit yourself," Gaara said. He turned to the housemaid. "Show her to her room. I'll be there shortly." Sakura breathed a sigh of relief when he left.

She thought she handled the situation pretty well*.

*She didn't.

* * *

**Chapter Six: In which Sakura snoops around**

**Why I scrapped it:** This was giving a lot of the subplot away but I wanted to include this anyway because I'd like to know your thoughts on this scene!

-o-

Silently, she walked around the outside of the house, careful to avoid going near the windows. The carvings were scattered all around the house – and now, after closer inspection, she realised that they _were_ seals. She wasn't too familiar with fuinjutsu, aside from extra-curricular readings, but one thing was for sure: these did not make sense.

Frowning, she traced the carvings with her index finger. She could make out some of the markings that was usually found in some seals, but the carvings themselves did not make sense. The symbols were all wrong. She walked over to other 'seals' and tried to read the carvings. Yes. She was sure of it now.

Why was the house surrounded with fake seals?

"Usually, when one says 'goodnight', one is implying that they will be sleeping soon after."

Sakura jumped and turned to find Gaara himself right behind her, his arms crossed. She was surprised to realise that he had enough chakra control to walk on walls (she was painfully reminded of Naruto's attempts at tree climbing) and she bowed to hide the embarrassed flush on her face.

"I couldn't sleep," she replied. "I thought I'd just have a look around."

"And did you find anything?"

She pointed at the carvings of a 'seal' she was currently standing on. "Why are fake seals surrounding your house?" Gaara gave the carvings a cursory glance and before his sand slithered until it slipped into cracks, erasing the evidence that it even existed.

"It's nothing." It wasn't just nothing. In fact, all the 'seals' were indecipherable, but there was a script that stood out, and only because . _Beast_.

"It looked as if someone who didn't know fuinjutsu was trying to copy it blindly." Their eyes met, and Sakura knew she was at the edge of understanding _something_. What it was, she wasn't sure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Notes: And there you have it! I hope you enjoyed this omake, and I'll see you most likely in June hehe! I'd love to know your thoughts on some scenes – do you think it would have been good for me to add them or?
> 
> Many many thanks for those who reviewed! I loved reading and replying to them! I hope that everyone is safe and healthy during this time.
> 
> Have a great day everyone!


	9. A domino effect

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Date last revised: May 29, 2020
> 
> Author's Notes: Did you miss me?
> 
> Thank you to Vetla12, motherofdragons329, YessCristopher and reikosanmi for their review on and thank you to July and Genmastone for reviewing on ao3! I'm glad you liked the Omake page! Thank you also to those who placed this story on alert hehe. I realise that my author's notes are really long lol sorry not sorry.
> 
> ANYWAY, without further ado, chapter 8!
> 
> TW: Death

**Chapter Eight**

"Once the brat becomes Kazekage, one of the council members must step down and I can't afford it to be me."

Akito bowed his head as he listened to his master pace back and forth in a small room, their face mostly hidden with a cloth. Only their eyes were visible, and they watched Akito dispassionately.

"I've worked too hard for this," his master muttered. "If it should be anyone, it should be Arisu." Akito smiled politely.

"We must not let our guards down," he advised. "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."

His master hissed. "You think I don't know that?" Akito lowered his head to hide his amusement.

"Of course," he murmured placatingly. "Forgive me if I've offended you. May I ask about the preparations?"

"The preparations are running smoothly," he said in a clipped tone. "It will be ready in a few months. In the meantime, how's the 'esteemed guest'?" Even with his face concealed, Akito knew his mouth would be set in a sneer. His master was a powerful man, a great man who could hide his true intentions with a serene smile. It's only whenever he was with Akito he finally allowed his mask to slip. "Has she been dealt with?"

He shook his head regretfully. "Unfortunately, Temari-sama and Kankuro-sama interfered." Without warning, his master's hand clutched his neck and squeezed hard enough that Akito's vision dimmed. He resisted the urge to claw at the hand and forced himself to stay perfectly still.

"Are you getting too old?" his master squeezed tighter and Akito winced. "Is it time to _replace_ you?" He shook his head with as much energy as he could muster. The hand left his neck and he fell to the ground, wheezing. He didn't dare raise his head to meet his master's gaze. Instead he knelt before him, his head pressed on the ground.

"This servant can still be useful," he gasped out. "Please have mercy."

His master scoffed and moved towards the door. "Make sure the brat's guest is disposed of before we move to the final phase. She could throw a wrench in our plans."

The door slammed shut and Akito finally raised his head, eyes blazing with determination.

He will not fail.

* * *

Sajo senior was a wise man. Well, at the ripe age of 48, he would like to think so. He had once been hailed as a prodigy, graduating from the gruelling Suna Academy in record time before setting his sights on ANBU.

It wasn't easy, and the missions he underwent could curdle anyone else's blood, but the longer he stayed the more he realised the battlefield was not for him. He loved to learn ninjutsu, yes, but completing unranked missions took a toll on his psyche.

The last straw had been the mission to attack the jinchuuriki who now stood next to him.

He lost a lot of comrades that night, and it was only by sheer luck that he managed to escape with his life. Yes, Sajo was a prodigy, but that night was the first night he was in the presence of such genius.

Gaara wielded more power than Sajo could ever hope to in his entire life, and after that incident he gave his resignation. He vowed to live the life his comrades couldn't, and he hasn't looked back.

After his resignation, he focused on medicine. He wasn't gifted with precise chakra control, but he was a hard worker, and in a few years he became an established surgeon in Sunagakure. He had saved more than his fair share of shinobi, but today, it was looking bleak.

A team of genin had arrived at the Suna gates, bloodied and barely alive. They were currently being prepped for surgery, and in anger, he demanded Gaara's presence.

"You did this to them," Sajo said wearily. The both of them watched from a viewing area as nurses and doctors hurried in the cramped operating room. There weren't enough surgeons in the hospital, only him and one other, and all four injured shinobi had been placed in one room despite his protests.

The entire team arrived in critical condition and they couldn't afford to perform surgery one by one. He readied himself for the worst.

But before that, he had a few choice words for the would-be Kazekage.

"Dispatching the chieftain in Toro no Sato, Gaara-sama? Really?" he asked. He couldn't keep the shakiness from his voice, but he was overcome with emotion. The children were as old as his own – how could he not be affected? "You thought a group of genin could handle a _chieftain_?"

Gaara shrugged and Sajo felt a wave of hatred at his obvious apathy. "We didn't have any chuunins available. Ryusa-san said to cut costs where we can."

"Do you think we're cutting costs right now?" Sajo said, gritting his teeth.

"No."

Sajo nodded, placated that at least their would-be Kazekage wasn't a complete idiot. "Listen here, Gaara-sama: The only reason you're here is because of the blood that runs through your veins. I don't think you're worthy to lead us, and this is one of the reasons why." He gestured at the scene below them.

"If you become the Kazekage, the shinobi of this village will place their life in _your_ hands. They need to trust you to make the right decisions. To you, it might just be a boring task of stamping scrolls with arbitrary ranks, but those ranks instil confidence in the teams that get those missions. If you underestimate it, you're putting them in jeopardy." He saw one of the doctors give a signal and he sighed before moving towards the door. Just before leaving, he stopped and turned back to Gaara.

"You'll stay here in the viewing balcony and watch the surgeries until we're done – this is your punishment. I've told Ikanago-san already and he'll handle the mission rankings until I'm satisfied you've learned your lesson."

He didn't wait for a reply and left the room.

* * *

When Sakura finally left the bookstore, the sun was setting on the horizon, shades of red and oranges colouring the sky. Some of the stalls owners were packing up, weary but satisfied with today's earnings. Clutching her purchases to her chest, she gave them a shy smile and found herself getting emotional when they returned her smiles with their own.

It was the first time that she didn't feel like a total outsider. She missed Konoha so much and realised just how much she took her home for granted. The pang in her chest when she thought of home made her hurry to Gaara's house.

Upon entering, the servants in the house bowed their heads and smiled politely at her, as if they hadn't tried to poison her just that morning. She felt uncomfortable ignoring them, but then she thought of those poisonous leaves in her porridge.

They were not her friends, nor did they want to be.

As soon as she reached her room, she dropped the books onto her bed and looked around. The room looked untouched, except for the oil lamp which, she noticed, had been recently refilled. Her stomach lurched.

They had been here.

Her heart thudded in her chest and her senses were on high alert. Did they snoop through her things? Leave traps in her room? They could have poisoned her sheets or left exploding tags in her bag.

As soon as the thought crossed her mind, she moved around the small room, checking for any traps or bugged equipment. First, she stripped the bed bare, throwing the bedsheets haphazardly on the floor. The drawers in the modest dresser were pulled from its frame and inspected before joining the bedsheets. Yanking the curtains, she inspected each folded crease before throwing them onto the floor. Sakura overturned the bed frame and the dresser, leaning the mattress against a wall.

By the time she had thoroughly inspected the room, the night had fully set and her room was a mess. Moving around with a purpose kept the fear and paranoia at bay, or maybe they heightened it? Her stomach growled and as if on cue, she heard someone knock on the door.

The servant with the long white hair smiled politely at her and held a tray of food. She eyed it warily.

"Good evening, esteemed guest," the servant said, lowering his head. "We apologise for the mishap this morning. The servant who placed poison on your food has been…disposed of, and I've taken it upon myself to prepare your dinner. I hope you enjoy." Mishap, was that what it was? The thought of slamming the door on his face was overwhelming, but she resisted the urge. Who knew what they would try next if she aggravated them?

Instead, she forced a smile and accepted the food. "Thank you. Uh, goodnight." The servant bowed low before leaving. Sakura shut the door. While the scent of the food was tantalising (her last meal had been Temari treating her to breakfast), she wouldn't make the same mistake of trusting the servants again.

Satisfying herself with smelling the food, she placed it out of sight before picking the blanket off the floor and moving towards the furthest corner of the room. From where she was sitting, she had a clear view of the window and the door. The cold wind blew through the open window and she wrapped the blanket tighter around herself, preparing herself for the long night ahead.

Unwrapping the books she had purchased, she began to read.

* * *

Gaara watched as the nurses, doctors and surgeons weaved between the heavily injured shinobi. Unlike him, who stayed rooted to the spot, they moved with hurried frenzy, grim determination evident even with masks covering their faces. He could see Sajo senior shouting orders, flitting to the operating tables when he was inevitably called.

Even though the wide windows separating him and the operating room were thick, the smell of blood seeped through, faint yet distinct. He could almost taste the metallic tang on his tongue, but then the smell of antiseptic reached him and he scowled, quelling Shukaku's bloodlust.

In an effort to distract himself, he focused his attention on the scene before him. Sajo senior and several doctors were huddled over one operating table. A girl with jet black hair lied down, face purpled with bruises. The monitor next to her lit up with several lights before dimming, leaving only a bright white line from one end of the screen to the other.

Sajo senior lowered his head briefly before turning back to the other three patients. A few nurses wiped tears with the back of their hands, and a doctor left, presumably to tell the family of the news.

Gaara didn't take his eyes off the scene, not even when the jounin in charge of the team, a woman in her early thirties with greying hair, didn't make it.

Not even when another genin, a young boy with curly black hair had a seizure in the middle of surgery. His hair looked black from his angle because it was matted with blood. He didn't make it either.

Sajo's shoulders sagged with the weight of each death, but he pushed himself to the other patients. Some of the doctors left the room to compose themselves, and nurses entered and exited the room every few hours to replace their co-workers.

This was their war with the kami of death, and every one gave as good as they got.

Only one patient remained barely alive, a boy with unkempt brown hair. He laid on the operating table as if merely sleeping. With a concentrated effort, the team worked under Sajo's supervision. Their desperation was palpable – even Gaara could feel it from his position.

But it wasn't enough.

The familiar line appeared on the monitor less than an hour later. Sajo fell to his knees, eyes vacant after nine hours in surgery. Nurses and doctors lowered their heads in silent prayer at the four dead bodies before them. The other surgeon left the room, mask damp with their tears.

From above, Gaara watched.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Notes: This was such a bleak chapter but UGH I needed to write this. I had imagined this scene just before I fell asleep a few days ago and it wouldn't leave me. I swear after chapter 10 we will move on to the bulk of the plot, but for now it is unfortunate, but this needed to happen.
> 
> Gaara's path to becoming a Kazekage isn't going to be easy. Before he learns to care for the village, he probably made wrong decisions like this. So I kinda want to highlight not just Gaara's journey, but how ill-equipped Suna is at the moment. How will Gaara respond? I have an idea, but I'd love to know what you think!
> 
> Yet again, this chapter was only supposed to focus on Sakura, but this chapter took a life of its own once I added Gaara! (Are we surprised? Haha) I kinda love it when it does that, but at the same time it kind of delays the plot because the characters demand to be written. I'm glad I managed to flesh out some of the Suna council characters as well. Sajo-san wasn't fleshed out in the anime/manga, so I took a lot of liberties.
> 
> I'm loving writing this fanfic, but what really made me love writing this was the constant encouragement I receive from you guys, so thank you so much! It means a lot to me – more than you guys could know.
> 
> I know I was supposed to come back in June, but I couldn't wait to show you guys this chapter!
> 
> And also, life update! Remember that assignment that I failed? I had another assignment in that class and I passed! I'm very happy! Also in my other class, I got one of the highest marks for our presentation! So this is not just a treat for you guys, but for me as well! Hehe
> 
> Thank you to those who wished me luck on my studies, I appreciate it!
> 
> Thank you for reading, and I hope that wherever you are, you and your family are keeping safe!
> 
> Please look forward to the next chapter – where everyone takes one step forward and two steps back.


	10. Approaching breaking point

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Date last revised: June 13, 2020

**Chapter Nine**

Sakura blinked her weary eyes as the sun shone through the wide open window in her room. Even if she wanted it to, sleep would not come.

Crawling from her position in the corner of the room, she manoeuvred past the mess on the floor and peeked her head out. Yellow rays warmed the sky, reflecting off lazy clouds. Below, the entire city glittered gold and welcomed the day. She felt sunlight caress her cheeks and kiss her forehead, as if to say: _You've survived, child. Well done._

A sob welled up, burning her throat and demanding to be let out.

She cried with the sunrise, and thought of home.

* * *

Gaara stayed in the viewing area for a long time afterwards, reflecting. No one would come for him – aside from Sajo-san, he doubted anyone knew where he was. The bodies on the metallic operating tables have long since been wheeled out and he stared at the dark, empty room below him.

Sajo-san had reprimanded him harshly – on a bad day, it would have costed him his life, but when Gaara saw the bruised and bloodied bodies below, he understood.

It was his careless decision that brought out this outcome.

He couldn't make sense of the emotions he felt as he bore his punishment without complaint. Like quicksand, the more he tried to comprehend, the more confused he became.

If only he felt anger, or even sadness – _those_ feelings he could understand. But this was far more complicated; it settled heavily in his chest. It reminded him of memories from long ago, when he allowed himself to care about others.

He thought of Yashamaru and squeezed his eyes shut. He fell on his knees to the floor, hands pressed against his temples in a futile effort to stop emotions from overwhelming him.

 _It's guilt,_ Shukaku cackled, his voice echoing loudly in his mind. Gaara groaned low in his chest and willed him away. But it was no use – his thoughts strayed from sanity.

 _Responsibility doesn't become you, O Gaara-sama,_ Shukaku mocked, his laugh sharp and piercing. _You're still a child, you have much to learn. I've lived for decades, let me guide you…_

Angrily, Gaara slammed his head on the floor and finally, _finally_ Shukaku's voice abruptly stopped. The floor felt cool on his cheeks and he panted heavily as he tried to calm his erratic heartbeat.

 _Guilt_.

Laughing, he squeezed his eyes shut. His bijuu knew more about human emotions than him.

Just who was the real monster here?

* * *

"Miss!"

Sakura stopped walking and turned to find the group of kids she had met yesterday. As soon as she finished pitying herself, she left the house with her research. She couldn't afford to leave the medical books lying around – there was a high chance someone would snoop through her room.

The group of children circled her, eyes curious as they regarded the books in her arms.

"What do you have there?" one of the girls asked, jumping to see the titles of the books.

Her plain brown hair was haphazardly tied in pigtails and with each jump, stray strands of hair escaped until her hair tie finally snapped. Wavy hair cascaded past her shoulders.

Sakura couldn't help but laugh and finally knelt down, showing the children books she had purchased.

All of them huddled closer to her and peered at the books.

"That looks boring!" a boy said, harrumphing and turning away.

Another girl with large glasses snickered. "It's because you don't know how to read, Kyou!"

The boy, Kyou, turned red and made a face. "At least I can run fast!" Shrieking in protest, the bespectacled girl chased after him. Soon, the rest of the children followed, laughing and screaming. Sakura couldn't help but smile as she watched them.

"Sakura-san." Shocked, she stood up quickly and clutched the books tighter to her chest.

Kankuro gave her an easy smile and a lazy wave, but Sakura learned from her mistakes. _Don't trust anyone_. His predatory stance was like a wolf approaching prey. Anger flaring, she straightened her back and jutted out her chin, daring him to underestimate her.

"I come in peace," Kankuro said, teeth bared in a smile. There was a folklore in Konoha – of women who fell for the devilish smirk of a wolf before being swallowed whole during a full moon.

His warrior paint stood harshly against his skin, the lines sharp. Up close, she could see the tinge of red on the purple and wondered if it was only ink that he painted himself with.

 _Don't trust anyone_.

"Can I help you?" she asked, trying not to draw attention to the books in her arms.

His eyes disappeared as he smiled. "I'm not an enemy, you know."

He held his hands up in mock surrender, but she wanted nothing more than to retreat to the library or the bookshop. Somewhere far away from him.

 _Don't trust anyone_.

"I didn't say you were."

"Well," he said, taking one step closer. She hated herself for taking a step back. "You look like you're being cornered."

_Don't trust anyone._

She forced her breathing to calm. Even if she wanted to move, she stood rooted to the spot. Her heart pounded in her ears.

It was broad daylight. He wouldn't dare.

Right?

"Can I help you?" she repeated. This feeling – it reminded her painfully of the Chuunin Exams.

Hadn't she vowed not to be that helpless girl again?

Kankuro clapped her on the shoulder and her skin jumped at the contact.

"They're watching you," he whispered, making her skin crawl.

It took everything in her not to look around the street. _Don't trust anyone, don't trust anyone, don't trust anyone-_

"I'm just looking for Gaara," he said loudly as he passed by her. "The council's looking for him." She nodded numbly. Her head felt light. The vibrant colours of the city dimmed. Sounds echoed and felt far away. She didn't notice Kankuro as he waved goodbye.

* * *

Kankuro found Gaara on the viewing balcony, just as Sajo-san said.

His brother laid on the ground, his head pressed on the floor. He had no idea how long his brother had been in that position. He hesitated to approach.

"Gaara?" he asked. "Is that you?"

_Am I talking to you or to Shukaku?_

"What is it?"

Kankuro licked his dry lips – he wasn't the older brother for nothing. He felt, more than heard, Gaara's mental state. His voice had taken a lower register, his words coming out more like a growl than human speech.

"The council wants to see you." His brother groaned, but made no move from the floor. "I'll tell them tomorrow?"

"No. Give me a moment."

He waited patiently as his brother pushed himself from the ground. Each movement took monumental effort, and there was a slight haze in his eyes that worried Kankuro.

"I can tell them you're-"

"I told you. Just give me a moment."

Kankuro clicked his tongue but didn't press further. Temari had told him of her encounter with Shukaku a few days ago, and it wasn't something he wanted to experience himself.

Finally, Gaara stood up and he stared at his brother. Kankuro looked away.

"They're waiting for you in the Council room," he said. "They're not happy."

"They never are." Kankuro privately agreed and led his brother to the council.

* * *

The Suna council was restless.

"The Daimyo will _not_ be happy," Arisu grumbled. "It's the first mission he has given us in months and it was a failure."

Rokuro agreed. "I told you he was too young to understand – "

"Gaara-sama has been a most excellent student," Ikanago said loudly, drowning out Rokuro's protest. "If anyone is to blame, it should be Ryusa. You should know better than to say such _idiotic_ things – "

Ryusa huffed in indignation. "You told me to teach him and I have!"

"You told him to cut costs where he can!" Sajo said, incredulous.

Ryusa held up a hand, shaking his head. "He misunderstood me. I _said_ – "

"I'm too old for this shit," Ebizu sighed as he grumbled under his breath, "Goza, tell them to be-"

"QUIET!" Goza bellowed, slamming both hands on the large circular table. "What's done is done. Gaara-sama made a grievous mistake, but now we have to figure out how to fix it. "

All eyes turned towards the door as Kankuro entered, followed by Gaara.

Speak of the devil.

"Sorry for my tardiness," Gaara said before sidling up to his seat in front of the Kazekage statues. The other council members looked at each other uneasily.

"We've been waiting for over an hour, child," Arisu finally grumbled.

Tojuro clicked his tongue. "Never mind that. The mission for the Daimyo was a failure. What do you have to say for yourself?"

"I take full responsibility," Gaara replied without missing a beat. They would have taken his statement seriously, had he not said it with such an apathetic tone.

 _This brat!_ Eye twitching in irritation, Rokuro opened his mouth to retort but Yura grabbed his arm and shook his head.

"The chieftain of Toro no Sato still lives," Yumi said, passing over the report from the north-eastern guards to Gaara. "The jounin was able to deal significant damage, but the team was ambushed by approximately twelve samurai in the middle of the mission."

Gaara skimmed the report. Either the Daimyo chose to leave that titbit of information on purpose, or the Toro no Sato chieftain had a hunch he was going to be dispatched soon. Resisting the urge to rub his temples, he focused on the words in front of him.

"There's no way Toro no Sato will take this lying down," Joseki muttered darkly. "They must be assembling troops right now!"

Ebizo hummed. "How many active jounin are available in case of an attack?"

"Around 40%," Goza replied. "If you'd like, I can give you the full list – "

"There's no need," Gaara said, standing up. The rest of the council looked at him in surprise. "I'll go."

"Gaara-sama!" Ikanago sputtered. "You can't – What about – "

"The mission is still open, yes?" he asked, staring at Yumi senior. Taken aback at being addressed directly, the older woman nodded mutely. "Since it's my fault, I'll complete the mission in their stead." He bowed his head minutely at the council before disappearing in a flurry of sand.

* * *

None of the council noticed. But Kankuro did.

Gaara's hand trembled as he clutched the reports. Sweat had beaded on his forehead even though the council room was perpetually cool. The way he licked his lips at the mere mention of formidable foes shook Kankuro to the core.

Kankuro wasn't sure if he should be thankful or terrified that the council didn't notice Shukaku slowly taking over Gaara's consciousness.

Just before Gaara disappeared, their eyes met for the briefest of moments.

He saw no trace of his brother there.

* * *

"This is our chance," a figure hissed. Akito listened dispassionately at the two servants muttering to themselves. He had half a mind to berate them for slacking off their duties, but the next words caused him to still.

"Gaara-sama leaves for a mission tonight. My master wants the girl gone by then."

Interesting.

His master would be interested to find other council members who opposed having the girl in the house. Akito stared at the food he had prepared before smiling to himself.

"That smile never bode well," Reiko said, arriving in the kitchen. Her back was almost parallel to the floor, and she looked at him curiously. Akito's smile widened, and he deftly tied his long white hair into a bun that wound around his head.

"I was just thinking that the house will be more interesting from now on."

Reiko rolled her eyes and hobbled to the kettle on the stove. "Just retire already."

Akito chuckled and walked towards her, patting her greying hair lovingly before placing a soft kiss on her temple. He reached up to the cupboard and handed her a clean mug.

"There are still a lot of life left in this old man, you know," he said, winking at his wife before taking the tray of food.

Reiko didn't fail to notice her husband procure a vial from his sleeve before dropping the contents onto the food.

She said nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's notes:
> 
> OMG I FINALLY FINISHED THIS CHAPTER. Thank you to whisperedsilvers for reading over it. It's nearly 5am here but I really wanted to post this chapter for you guys because I have even more assignments due next week, and I didn't want you guys to wait even longer.
> 
> I can only offer excuses as to why this chapter is late, but the main reason was because I've been thinking of this story for a long time – a few years, in fact – and the ending came to me very suddenly and I wasn't happy with it, ahaha.
> 
> It was very angsty, which was right up my alley, but I couldn't bring myself to give you readers that ending. I was really frustrated with myself. I tried to think of another ending that was at least happy, and I did think of something…but we'll see which ending wins at the end.
> 
> So, here's a heads up – I can't guarantee a happy ending with this fic.
> 
> And I feel bad because I know most of you clicked this for the GaaSaku (and there will be GaaSaku, don't worry!) but this ending has been in the recesses of my mind for a while now.
> 
> I'm constantly improving my writing because when I close my eyes I see Suna as how I imagine it to be, and I want to give you guys a glimpse of it, too. For this chapter, I wasn't able to use a lot of what I learned, but hopefully you'll see it in the next chapter!
> 
> I'd like to thank deisaku, hyuuga tenten n.n, distant voice, gaara'sgoodess, and nanami for reviewing on !
> 
> Thank you to Ashlyne_M, tonberries and TaylorSen for reviewing on ao3!
> 
> I'm so thankful to you all, you have no idea. I reread all of your reviews when I feel down (which was a lot during these past few weeks). I knew what I wanted to happen this chapter, but it just wouldn't come out. I guess I finally experienced writer's block, huh?
> 
> Gaara'sGoddess made a good point in her review about Gaara's ruthlessness in the previous chapter and I just wanted to address it here in case other people also thought the same:
> 
> In my mind, Gaara wasn't being ruthless - he's killed a lot more than those four shinobi. However, what Sajo-san wanted Gaara to understand was that his consequence had actions. I've tried to explain it as best as I could in this chapter.
> 
> As for the chapter length of this fic, it will remain around ~2k per chapter. I can't promise more, but this just means that I'm able to update regularly. I will focus on this until it finishes, and I might start a few projects on the side, but to be honest, this holds most of my interest.
> 
> I know this chapter was supposed to be one step forward and two steps back buuut it didn't happen because I got some clarity on what I want to happen on Chapter 10.
> 
> Chapter 10 will (hopefully) be a good chapter! Please look forward to it!
> 
> Please do review, it really makes my day and I reread it several times and I just…I squeal haha. It really makes me happy, hearing from you guys. It gives me inspiration and motivation to write.
> 
> Thank you to the silent readers who have placed this on their follow, please continue cheering me on!
> 
> Ahhh, I'm getting emotional, it's 5am here now haha.


	11. Despair, and the future

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Date last revised: June 19, 2020
> 
> AN: No beta, just wanted to get this out there asap because I have more assignments huhu. And you guys deserve an update. Hope you like it!
> 
> TW: violence, sowwy

Letting Shukaku take over, _fully_ take over, was like slipping on a well-worn pair of shoes.

It was easy; comfortable; _familiar._

As soon as Shukaku's chakra flooded his pathways, boiling hot and freezing cold all at once, he couldn't help but shudder in delight. It was all he could do to dismiss himself from the Suna Council – one moment, locking eyes with Kankuro, and the next, seeing the sun low in the sky as he escaped the stifling room. Try as he might, it was no use – his body craved the power he tried to supress after all these months. His veins soaked the chakra greedily into his system.

He couldn't get enough.

Eyes rolling to the back of his head, he barely registered the sand rolling underneath him, rumbling like waves crashing onto shore, taking him past Suna's gates and onto the vast desert towards Toro no Sato. Drool ran down his chin, and he groaned, imagining his past experiences with Shukaku's power at his fingertips. It had been so _long_ …

The terror in their eyes when they realised death was imminent –

Their unhinged screams –

The scent of blood mixed into his sand –

Warm, fresh blood on his skin –

The taste –

He bit his tongue hard enough to draw blood, hoping to gain some control, to no avail. Shukaku pumped more chakra into his pathways, and he gasped at the euphoria, doubling over.

It felt so good – so very _good_ – the burning sensation dulling his senses but making his heart race, his blood sing. He felt invincible, drunk on power Shukaku was giving him…

Why did he willingly let go of something this wonderful?

His hands grasped at the sand below him but they fell away as soon as he took hold. Another surge of chakra had him trembling and groaning in pleasure –

 _Relax_ , cooed Shukaku, voice like honey. Gaara shook his head, and another wave of chakra passed through him, enveloping his brain in a haze.

_Let me rid you of your guilt._

Gaara's vision dimmed as wave after wave of pleasure assaulted his senses. Where was he now? How can he regain control? Why won't his sand listen to him?

 _Just once_ , Shukaku whispered. _Give in to me just once_.

He reached out for something, anything, but the effort to raise his hands became overwhelming. It became difficult to even think, let alone form any coherent thought. Eyelids drooped, and the last thing he remembered was the sun sinking into the horizon before he let himself drown in the pleasure.

And then, everything went black.

* * *

Hiro was sharpening his sword by the window when he heard it – a rumbling from the distance that reminded him of the turbulent sea during a storm. Frowning, he hastily tied his long, brown hair into a knot at the base of his neck. Inside the room, his fellow samurai were already up and looking at him, waiting for his orders.

"Ryuzu, Doumeki, Kiro: evacuate the villagers from the northern gate. Hikaru, Jumou, Tatsuo, inform the chieftain and be on standby. The rest, follow me – we'll attack them before the gates." Only the sound of swords being sheathed into metal scabbards signalled they heard his commands before all twelve samurai moved towards their respective tasks.

Six samurai wouldn't be enough to beat a large team of shinobi, but he was not expecting a retaliation so soon – or at all. The group of shinobi who tried to infiltrate Toro no Sato were novices. It would have been insulting, but he supposed that they weren't expecting samurai to greet them when they did.

Someone very powerful must want the chieftain dead, Hiro mused as he ordered the rest of his team to the usual formation.

The moment the southern gate was opened, Hiro felt killing intent so strong it was like a hand wrapping tightly around his throat. He couldn't move; he could barely breathe.

Being the recipient of killing intent was nothing new in his profession, but this was the first time where the aura was so strong that he wanted to turn tail, mission be damned. Sweat formed on his forehead and he searched for an army, only to find one lone boy with his arms crossed, a crazed smile on his lips.

The killing intent never relented – it arrived in waves, and it was all he could do to turn to his subordinates.

"Close the gate behind us," he said. His voice shook. No one moved. "Akio! Close the gate behind us." Akio, a thin man with a pointed chin, snapped out of his haze long enough to push the gate closed behind him, with difficulty.

Noboru, the oldest in his group, stared at the redhaired boy in horror. "Don't tell me the killing intent came from him?"

"I heard that there's a monster in Suna," whispered Hiroshi, shaking like a leaf, face pale. "A red-haired monster named Gaara." As if hearing his name, the boy met his eyes. He was close enough that Hiro could make out the words he mouthed.

"Make. Me. Feel. Alive."

* * *

Forty hours.

Sakura had been awake for more than forty hours.

She wanted nothing more than to go to sleep, but the thought of being watched made her skin crawl like nothing else. Rubbing the sleep from her eyes, she turned to the medical book in front of her as she sat in the library. The stillness was both comforting and unnerving; she wished there were some sort of life in the building to distract her. Fingertips tapped erratically on the table as she skimmed the book for useful content.

She had spent all of last night researching the side effects of the general anaesthesia, how it could possibly affect Shukaku, and what actions she might need to take. That was easy enough, but she couldn't keep any of these findings on written paper for fear of being found out, and it nearly drove her crazy trying to remember everything she had learned.

Anaesthesia was a temporary solution. She knew that.

But it was all she got.

So she had painstakingly committed each what-if scenario into memory, recalling them until it was as easy as breathing. She couldn't afford to make a mistake, not when Gaara had given her another chance to complete her mission. Besides, once she starts the procedure on Gaara, a split second of knowing what to do could save her life.

There were so many unknown variables that she was scared to broach with him, though – how much control could he exercise if he was unconscious? Was Shukaku a being that could be reasoned with? What could trigger his anger? Did he have a weakness?

It would make things easier if there was a book on jinchuuriki and their reaction on medical drugs, but she knew that was too much to hope for.

Her solutions to the problems the anaesthesia posed was flimsy at best and suicidal at worst. Every time she dwelled on her so-called solutions, she found herself suffering from a panic attack, breath coming out in gasps and palms sweating as she pressed them on her face in an effort to calm down.

Like now.

Taking deep breaths to steady herself, she pressed fists onto her closed eyes, heartbeat racing and ears ringing.

She was tired, hungry, and so, so scared.

Angry tears threatened to spill, and she tried her hardest to reign them in.

 _You're a kunoichi, damn it_. _Stop crying like a little bitch and just do it!_

"Fuck me," she muttered under her breath. Gritting her teeth, she angrily rubbed at her eyes and slapped her cheeks hard enough to sting. Both hands grasped the book and she read like her life depended on it.

* * *

Gaara's consciousness was shocked awake, like someone dropping ice cold water on his head. When his eyes adjusted, he saw the full moon before his gaze drifted downwards to find grotesque bodies strewn around him, and the chieftain's decapitated head lying by his feet.

He didn't have to look in the mirror to know he was covered in blood from head to toe – the blood was still warm and he could feel it like a coat of armour on his skin. The smell was overpowering, almost to the point of nausea.

How long would it take for the scent to wash away completely?

Stumbling, he kicked the chieftain's head away as he surveyed his surroundings. What had Shukaku done? His head throbbed as he tried to recollect what happened the past few hours, but the memory was gone.

He wasn't even sure if there was anyone still alive within the city.

Still disoriented, he moved his hands in a seal.

 _Gokusa Maiso_.

The ground opened before him, loud as thunder, and sand poured out from the crevices before slowly dragging the corpses under. At the last moment, he snatched the head of the chieftain, holding it by the hair, and he watched, detached, as the sand swallowed all and left nothing behind.

* * *

Sakura had stayed as late as she could in the library, but in the end, she still had to return to this place.

They had cleaned the room in her absence, and now it looked very much like the room on her first night here – the bed placed back onto its frame with brand new bedsheets, the drawers returned to the dresser table and curtains now covered the window. There was a plate of warm food on the dresser table, causing drool to pool in her mouth as the scent reached her.

When was the last time she ate?

She shoved the thought away before she gave in to hunger. There was no telling if the food was safe or poisoned, and she just wasn't going to risk it.

Dropping her books on the bed, she moved to check the drawers when she felt eyes watching her. Her body tensed and she forced herself to loosen her stance before staring around her room.

Nothing was out of place, but she knew something was wrong.

Her eyes dimmed as her fatigued caught up with her and she leaned on a wall as she gathered her strength. Sleepiness clung to her like heavy weight, and she eyed the bed longingly. It would be so nice to just take a nap –

Shaking her head, she blinked several times. Another sleepless night was infinitely better than being killed in her sleep.

Yawning, she pulled the curtains to open the window –

Only to find several pairs of eyes looking back at her.

She only had time to see the leering smiles painted on the masks they wore before the window glass shattered, the force causing her to be knocked down.

Six, no, seven men jumped into her room, showering her with kunai and senbon. She felt some hit her body, and it was all she could do to twist her body to avoid being hit in her vital organs.

There was no time to think. Adrenaline replaced sleep. She pulled out a kunai embedded in her right thigh with a hiss. Gathering chakra on her hands, she threw it with enough force that one man flew out the broken window and onto the ground below.

A split second. The remaining men looked at each other, but that moment was enough.

She pushed herself from the ground and charged towards them, focusing on the chakra in her fists. The open wound on her right thigh throbbed, but she gritted her teeth and aimed a punch at the nearest person, hearing a satisfying crack as the impact landed. The man crumpled to the ground, but her victory was short-lived when she felt something stab her from behind. Gasping, her vision blurred and she turned to find a curved blade digging on her lower back.

That _hurt_.

She grabbed the arm of the man holding the blade with both hands. A loud pop resounded as she ripped his wrist from him before the man screamed bloody murder. His scream stopped after a well-placed kick in his throat, and he crashed to the ceiling before dropping on the ground with a thud.

_Make sure they don't get up._

Two sets of whips coiled around both her upper arms before she could do anything else, keeping her from moving her arms. She crumpled to the ground as someone pulled out the blade on her back, her mind screaming at her to do anything to lessen the pain.

Pulling her arms to her chest, she managed to get one of her hands coiling on the opposite whip, and with a hard yank, one of the men stumbled close enough.

_Place chakra on right foot and kick!_

She only grazed his side, but that was enough. The man was slammed back to the furthest wall before slumping over. Her back and legs hurt from the wounds, but there were still three people left.

_Think later. Move now!_

She yanked the other whip and prepared to land a punch when she was bulldozed over by one of the remaining men. Her hand clutched for something, _anything_ and she slammed the plate of warm food onto the man behind her.

He screamed, and she smelled burning. Turning around, the man's mask and scalp were beginning to melt. Her eyes widened, but she used the opportunity to punch him in the gut, sending him and one other through the open window.

Only one left.

He carried the bloodied blade on one hand and a whip in another. Breathing ragged, she watched him warily as they circled each other. She gathered chakra in her arms just as he threw the curved blade. Dodging right, she gasped as the whip curled around her neck so tightly that her vision blacked out for a few seconds.

Vainly, she tried to loosen the whip, only to see him grab a kunai from behind and stab her arms repeatedly with it, metal meeting bone. Blood flowed freely as she screamed and wept. He twisted the kunai sharply and pushed harder, until the metal pierced through her left arm.

The pain was indescribable. Her vision swam and terror gripped her heart. Towering over her, with the leering smile painted on the mask, she realised that she was going to die here, in a foreign place, with no one even coming to her rescue.

She screamed and wept, kicking furiously until she felt the whip loosen. Finally able to breathe, she sobbed as she crawled towards the door, putting as much distance as she could, but she had only moved a few inches when a cold hand gripped her legs and yanked her right back. Her hands lay uselessly by her sides; the way his hands grabbed at her bare skin made her skin crawl and she thrashed, the wound on her lower back weeping and throbbing.

_Please, please, someone, anyone –_

_There isn't anyone. There won't be anyone._

With the last of her chakra, she dug her heel on his wrist and heard a loud, definite crack. Legs free, she used the last traces of her chakra to push at her heels and stand up. She stumbled towards the door and her teeth latched onto the doorknob, turning it and finally opening the door.

Right outside her door, Gaara stood, covered head to toe in blood.

He was going to kill her. This mission was a farce to kill those closest to Naruto. He –

Gaara raised an arm and she squeezed her eyes shut, waiting for sand to swallow her up. Instead, she heard the strangled scream of the man behind her, and with the closing of his fist, she felt the warm blood that splattered on her back.

Relief flooded her face and her legs gave out. Hands reached out to catch her. She looked into his eyes, trying to convey with her eyes what her voice couldn't before everything went to black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Notes:
> 
> Welp, I had to officially change the rating to M. I don't think this was too visual, but better to be safe than sorry.
> 
> Action scenes are not my forte, but I did try my best huhu.
> 
> Also, I realise now that the reason I felt like my writing wasn't up to par was because these are essentially drafts. I write as much as I think I should per chapter, and with minimal editing I post it for you guys.
> 
> As much as I'd love to present you guys with better worded chapters, I'm itching to get this story off my chest. I've already decided what the main plot points will be, and so it will just be full steam ahead until I run out of gas (haha).
> 
> I still have one assignment and one exam left, so wish me luck!
> 
> Thank you to those who took the time to review, I love reading them all! This was such a bleak chapter I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you in the next one!
> 
> Please keep safe!
> 
> Sorry for the short author's note, I'm uploading it in between study breaks hehehe


	12. Somebody who can't do a thing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Date last revised: July 14, 2020

He could smell her blood as soon as she fell into his arms. The flash of relief and gratitude in her eyes made him uncomfortable, but it was quickly gone when she blacked out and her body slumped against him.

The biggest wound was the one on her back – her shirt was absolutely _soaked_ , and a good chunk of flesh had been ripped out, the wound deep and severe. Wrapping an arm around her middle, he pressed his hand on the wound, trying to stanch the bleeding in vain; blood still seeped through his fingers.

He adjusted her until most of her weight rested on his left thigh, her legs resting on either side of it and her head on the crook of his neck. Sand slithered beneath him and brought him into her room. The lights were broken, but the full moon shone bright from the broken window, bathing the room in an eerie glow

It was a mess and in utter chaos.

Blood was everywhere – on the walls, the ground and the ceiling. A man laid face down on the ground with a hole where his throat should have been. There was another with a mask on, a plain white mask with a leering smile marring the blank canvas, slumped unnaturally on a wall, a deep gash on his side. Another man’s face was unrecognisable as the broken mask pieces embedded themselves into his eyes and cheeks, their skull caved in.

Moving towards the window, he saw traces of blood on the ground below, but no bodies. Some were still alive. He licked his dry lips and turned to the door to find Akito bowing low before him.

“Welcome home, Gaara-sama,” the servant said, smiling politely. “How was your trip?”

“Bring me those who escaped,” he said, ignoring his question. “Did you know about this attack beforehand?” Akito bowed his head.

“I’m only a servant – I see nothing. I hear nothing.” Grinding his teeth, Gaara’s sand slammed the door in his face. The sound caused the girl to stir. With consciousness came a hiss as pain flooded her senses. Breathing ragged, she whimpered and burrowed her face on the crook of his neck, the movement sending a shiver down his spine.

“My bag…there should be – soldier pills – need chakra – “ Gaara’s eyes darted around the room before seeing her ninja standard backpack. His sand slithered and shuffled around in her bag before coming out with a few black pills and bringing it towards him.

“How many do you need?” She lifted her head from his neck with effort and he realised her mouth was caked with blood. “Why’s your mouth bleeding?”

“Opened the door with my teeth,” she rasped. “I can’t move my arms.” The sand dropped all the soldier pills in her waiting, bloody mouth. He averted his gaze and instead moved towards the door. The sudden movement made her gasp in pain and she squeezed her eyes shut, pressing her forehead against his shoulder. Ignoring the warmth she radiated, he moved them both towards his room, choosing instead of let the sand move underneath him instead of walking.

He was not used to this. His skin crawled at her proximity. When was the last time someone had been this close to him? The way she had looked at him – relief, instead of thinly-veiled fear or disgust or hate – he wasn’t sure what to make of it.

Despite what Shukaku had promised, the guilt did not leave him. It clung to him like the blood drying on his skin. It clung to him like the girl in his arms. Guilt remained, dark and heavy, persistent like the beating of his own pounding heart.

It really made his skin crawl.

* * *

She didn’t know how she wasn’t dead yet.

Her whole body ached, and the wound on her back hurt so much she dreaded to think what it looked like. At least, she could feel the soldier pills finally starting to take effect, the adrenaline rush from the chakra surge numbing the pain somewhat.

“Water,” she managed to choke out. “I need to be submerged in water.” The scene of the man repeatedly stabbing her arms suddenly came to mind and fervently, she hoped she could save them before it was too late.

_Even just a finger. Let me have control of at least one finger!_

If she had control of even one, she could heal herself.

Probably.

Hopefully.

She heard water running and felt Gaara as he slowly peeled her from him. Blood had dried and bound them together. Once warm water greeted her back, she felt like crying. The pain all over her body was enough to make her black out again, and it was only through sheer will she kept her consciousness.

Water was a great conductor of chakra. It wasn’t something Tsunade taught her, and she wasn’t sure if this was true for all medic-nin or only because she had an affinity for water release. She had found this out once, when she healed her injured ankle while walking upstream after a gruelling training with Tsunade.

Her swollen ankle had healed within seconds, where it normally would have taken her minutes. It wasn’t something she had thought too deeply about at the time – after her training, the only thing on her mind was to sleep in her bed. But now, she hoped the water would make a difference because she was going to need all the help she could get.

Slowly and with difficulty, she tried to move her fingers. Pain shot up both her arms but she gritted her teeth. Finally, the ring finger in her left hand twitched.

It would have to be enough.

Opening her eyes, she found herself staring at Gaara. He stood towering above her, arms crossed on his chest watching her with curious eyes. Licking her lips, she tasted blood and winced.

“Can you please put my left hand on top of my right arm?” she asked. Her voice was sore from screaming, and she wasn’t even sure if he heard her. It sounded soft even in her own ears.

So, she was surprised when he moved to do as she asked. Dried blood covered his hand and coloured the murky water darkish pink as he dipped them to grasp her left hand. Tears ran down her cheeks from the pain. She nodded her thanks, not trusting herself to speak.

Chakra surrounded her ring finger and she painstakingly set out to heal her right arm. The work was slow, fixing tendons, repairing muscles and stitching new skin with only one working finger. Warm water soothed her, and by the time she was done healing her right arm, it was thrumming with her chakra.

Once more, she tried to move the fingers in her right hand, and closed her eyes in relief as they finally moved the way she wanted them to. She gave herself a moment to rest before healing her left arm. In the calm silence, she finally allowed herself to think.

It was her first time killing someone. She had no doubt at least one of them died, because in her adrenaline fuelled haze, she did not hold back.

She didn’t dare.

There were a few times where she had hurt someone severely, but she had never dealt a finishing blow before. She felt the bones crack where she punched, smelled the singeing hair and flesh, saw the mangled hand still clinging to her after she ripped the wrist clean away.

The smell of blood was already familiar since Tsunade had her work in the hospital, but it was different in battle. In the hospital, the smell of antiseptic masked the smell of blood, but now the scent hung heavy in the air, dizzyingly suffocating.

It didn’t help that both of them were covered in blood.

She turned her gaze towards Gaara, only to find him staring back at her intensely. Embarrassed, she turned back to the task at hand.

It was awkward to have him here watching her every move, but she felt comforted by his presence, anyway. At least she knew he wasn’t out to kill her.

He didn’t press for conversation, and she was too busy trying to heal herself to play niceties. The room was quiet save for her ragged breathing, and the ripples of the water as she moved.

Time moved, but Gaara did not press her to hurry, and she was thankful. She was still a new apprentice – six months was not enough time to reach any sort of mastery. Her mastery of basic healing and medical theory were all she could rely on.

She didn’t trust Sunagakure med-nin to heal her, so what choice did she have?

Once she had healed her left arm and had command over all her fingers, she turned her attention towards the wound on her lower back. Her shirt stuck to the wound and she carefully pulled it up, breath catching in her throat as the wound revealed itself to her.

The coagulated blood and lack of light in her room masked the severity of the wound. But after the water had washed the blood away, she could see a deep, gaping slit where the curved blade hit her skin and pulled out flesh.

Trying not to vomit at the sight, she closed her eyes, her chakra covered hands gently prodding around the wound.

Taking a deep breath, she silently cursed those who did this to her.

* * *

Akito didn’t hate Gaara. Hate was a strong word.

But he despised brats with no manners.

“Doesn’t he know I’m already an old man,” he grumbled as he set off after the intruders. The droplets of blood they left in their wake only spoke of their incompetency.

He despised incompetent brats, too.

Sakura Haruno looked very out of place in Sunagakure. He had dismissed her as someone incompetent. She worked sloppily, trusted too easily and she had more openings than the windows in the Kazekage building.

But after seeing the carnage she left in her room, he was forced to change his view on her. She was more dangerous than he initially thought. And the way Gaara-sama had held her in his arms…

She was important to him.

Akito chuckled. His master had hinted a romantic entanglement between Gaara and the kunoichi from Leaf, but Akito privately disagreed.

Akito had known Gaara as soon as the boy opened his eyes to the world – his master couldn’t even begin to understand, to comprehend the bond between them. Gaara may hate him, yes, but he could never get rid of Akito, much in the same way that Akito despised him, and yet would give his life for him.

It was very complicated, indeed.

He was sure Gaara-sama did not see the kunoichi in that way. His hands had looked out of place wrapped around her, and his face betrayed his aversion at the proximity.

So, if it wasn’t for romance, then for what?

Akito spied the three masked men and his hands moved at familiar hand signs.

Gaara-sama had said to bring them alive, but Akito was still annoyed at having the door slammed in his face. Slamming his hands on the ground, a pulse of chakra rushed towards the masked men, before all three burst into blue flames.

Screams filled the air and Akito watched as the flames consumed them. The familiar stench of burning flesh filled the air, and in a few moments, only scorched bones remained.

“You there,” he said, turning towards a dark alley. A young boy peered out at him, face wary. Rummaging in his tunic, he took out a few ryo and tossed it on the ground.

“Bury those bones, will you?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am back! I’m sorry for the absence, but I went to stay with friends for a week. We went to this ropes course and let me tell you – ONCE IS MORE THAN ENOUGH. I hate heights and it was a nightmare, but I feel great knowing I actually did it! And also I played some Dance game at the arcade and tHAT WAS SUPER FUN. I suck at dancing tho, and I have short legs so it was a workout haha!
> 
> Also I forgot to add this to the previous Author’s Notes but about Toro no Sato…that name was taken from “Fascination” (My first iteration of this story) AND I THOUGHT IT MEANT ‘CITY OF STARS’. But it doesn’t! TORO DOESN’T TRANSLATE TO ANYTHING. So basically it translates to Toro’s City? I apologize. Every time I type it, I feel ashamed for my lack of research haha.
> 
> The next ten chapters is an arc called: 19 years. The chapter titles are based on the English lyrics of the song from xxxholic OST. I’m really digging that song at the moment! Please give it a listen – that’s the vibe the next ten chapters will have haha.
> 
> ALSO THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO REVIEWED!!! I couldn’t thank everyone in the last chapter because I was uploading it in between my assignment and exam prep. So I will just combine them here:
> 
> Thank you to Hyuuga Tenten n.n, Distant Voice, sky d, deisaku, Guest, Sarah, NDCtomato, MelanieBox and Genmastone for reviewing chapters 10 and 11 (and for those who reviewed almost all the chapters omg I cannot thank you ENOUGH) THANK YOU for sticking with this story. Thank you for giving my fanfic a read and liking it enough to leave a comment/several comments. It really – I can’t express how much your words mean to me. You guys give me the motivation to write. I never thought I’d get 50+ reviews on a story. I loved reading all of your reviews. To those who took the time to leave longer reviews THANK YOU. It made me so happy. I am having relationship problems right now so I’m all over the place, and writing helps me escape haha.
> 
> I hope everyone is having a great day, and I hoped you enjoyed this chapter! No beta, because I wanted to get this out asap.
> 
> Things will start looking up. Maybe. Hopefully.
> 
> Please look forward to it!


	13. Black swallowtail butterfly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Date last revised: July 17, 2020
> 
> Part II
> 
> AN: This literally wrote itself so why wait? NO BETA bc u know how i roll haha. ENJOY!

Sweat beaded on Sakura's forehead as she continued to heal the wound on her back. It must have been hours now – the chakra from the soldier pills were almost spent, but the wound was nearly healed. Her hands trembled, the tips of her fingers icy hot from the continuous output of chakra.

But the end was nearly in sight, until finally the last stitches of flesh came together, wonderfully pink against the rest of her pallid skin.

She could only muster a grunt as she finally rested her head on the edge of the bath tub. Her back ached from twisting to look at her wound, and her arms fell by her sides, heavy and tired from hours of work. The water was still warm even though by all counts it should have already been cold, but she filed the information for another day. Her mind could not take any more thinking.

As soon as her arms fell into the water, her entire body seemed to breathe a sigh of relief. Her eyes stared at the ceiling, faintly aware of the redhead in her periphery. He had barely moved from his position, and she had almost forgotten his presence.

 _I should thank him,_ she thought as her eyelids fluttered shut.

* * *

Gaara watched as the girl quickly fell asleep in the bath tub. The ends of her pink hair was damp from the water, her bloodied clothes sticking to her thin frame.

Silently, he moved from his position until he leaned over her. Under the bright lights, he could see her pale face and the dried tracks her tears left on her cheeks. He grabbed her chin, but she must have been exhausted, because she didn't even stir.

"Wake up," he said, shaking her face lightly. No response. His sand shied away from the water. He considered calling for one of the servants to move her, but after this blatant attack, he wasn't sure if he could trust even the weakest of them.

Deftly, he placed his hands on her waist, before pulling her from the water and over his shoulder, careful not to jostle her back too much. Letting the sand roll under him until they moved him to his room, he wasn't surprised to see Temari waiting at the top of the stairs. Taking one look at the unconscious girl, she heaved a sigh and followed him as he entered his room.

After dropping the girl on the bed, she grunted in her sleep and turned; even in her unconscious state, she was careful of the newly healed wound on her back.

"They're getting bolder."

Gaara crossed his arms and grunted. The thought of Naruto finding out his teammate has been hurt in his house was unacceptable. His sand rattled underneath him.

"I really should just kill all of them," he said. He didn't fail to see Temari shiver at his words, and he tried again. "I can kill all of the Suna council and build it again."

Temari shook her head. "That's not how you should do things. Diplomacy is best."

"Diplomacy is what got us here." Both stared at the sleeping girl.

"This is what they want," Temari said firmly. "The moment you lose control – if you give it to them, all your hard work will go to waste."

He gritted his teeth. "What would you have me do? If Naruto finds out –"

"He won't. Do you think anyone will talk about this?"

Gaara sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. For everyone's sake, they had better not. Temari chuckled dryly.

"You've always been straightforward," she said. He glared at her, but it was without heat. She gave him a smirk. "Leave the underhanded things to me and Kankuro, we're much better at it. Instead, how about you tell me why you've brought her here?" She jerked her chin at the girl.

"It's none of your business."

His sister sighed and held up her hands. "Alright. Fine. I won't ask any more. But you need to keep her safe. We should at least return her to Konoha in one piece." He privately agreed. It wouldn't do to have Naruto think he inflicted the wounds. Their friendship, if it could be called that, was still fragile, and Gaara was doing his best to nurture it the best he could.

"I'll leave some of my clones with her."

Temari shook her head. "She should stick close to you. If this happens again, not even your clones will survive. The council isn't playing, Gaara."

"Well, neither am I."

* * *

Temari could see Gaara's frustrations. He wasn't used to facing consequences for his actions, or being held back by those he believed to be lesser. It was obvious he only wanted to play by the rules when it suited him. And now, since some the Suna councilmen were blatantly going against his wishes, he was ready to stop playing nice.

"Don't forget why you're doing this in the first place," Temari reminded him, trying to calm him down. Gaara had always been temperamental, and she would rather not face his ire so early in the morning.

Her brother gritted his teeth, willing the restless sand to stop slithering all over the floor. "I won't."

She held his gaze before nodding. He was still too young to play dirty politics, and but she wasn't. She and Kankuro had grown up learning how to play this game; that was enough. Under their protection, Gaara would become the next Kazekage.

"For now, don't leave her side – "

"I'm _busy_." She sighed. His stubbornness was starting to show and she took it as her cue to leave.

"You brought her here. Her safety is your responsibility. I'll talk to Kankuro later today, but for now, _don't leave her side._ " She moved to leave, but hesitated.

"Although you might want to take a bath first. You look like shit."

With that, she slammed the door in her brother's room and made her way back towards her warm, inviting bed.

* * *

When Sakura opened her eyes, her first thought was: _This is uncomfortable._ It was cramped, and she felt the Suna heat in full force. Groaning, she turned over, only for her back to meet air. She grasped the nearest thing, which unfortunately happened to be a pillow, and fell onto the ground with a dull thud.

She pushed herself off the floor and looked around – she wasn't in her room.

In fact, she wasn't even in the house.

Startled, she found herself in the Kazekage office, with Gaara too immersed in his work to pay attention to her waking.

The last thing she remembered was inadvertently falling asleep on the bathtub. Her hands quickly checked over her wounds, before lightly patting her lower back. Inserting chakra in her system, she was relieved to find everything had healed properly. She finally turned her gaze to the only other occupant in the room.

"Good morning," she croaked, voice hoarse. Clearing her throat, she tried again. "Good morning, Gaara-sama." Gaara said nothing, nor did he make any move to acknowledge her presence. Feeling embarrassed, she quickly pushed herself to stand. Her legs creaked from sleeping cramped on the couch.

"I'll take my leave now –" she started, before his cold gaze met hers and locked her in place. He pushed his paperwork away from him and folded his arms.

"You're safer if you're with me," he finally said, by way of greeting. "So stay where you are." She opened her mouth, but no words came out. Resigned, she moved to sit down until she violently remembered the books which she left in her room. Gaara, seeing the change in her expression, seemed to read her mind.

"I took all your things and brought them here," he said, jerking his chin by the door. Next to a tall, potted cactus was her bag and a paper bag carrying her books. Shoulders sagging in relief, she knelt next to her bag and moved to check the contents, happy all her books and things were accounted for.

Gaara cleared his throat and she looked up from hugging the medical books to her chest. He had moved so silently from his position on the desk to stand before her.

"What's your name?"

She stared at him in shock and disbelief.

_Is he serious?_

Dazedly, she racked her brain, trying to remember if she ever introduced herself to him, only to realise that, in fact, she had _not_. She had been too awestruck to say anything to him when she first saw him raise a sand wall against the sand storm, and then the opportunity never really presented itself since.

Embarrassed, she hastily stood up and bowed low.

"My name is Sakura Haruno. Nice to meet you."

* * *

Kankuro downed the cup of coffee in one gulp and slammed the empty mug on the table. Temari played with her food and patiently waited for him to voice his thoughts.

"I thought I heard screaming last night, but to think that's what happened."

Temari hummed in agreement. She had peeked into Sakura's room the night before and her eyes widened at the mess her fight left behind.

It was a bloodbath. There was no other way to describe it.

"They were aiming to kill her because she's close to Gaara."

Kankuro shrugged. "Why the hell are we still alive then?" He rubbed his chin in contemplation, smudging the war paint on his face. "No, I think it's something else – maybe they know the reason why Gaara brought her here? I mean, you told me he wouldn't tell you why. Maybe he didn't want anyone to know precisely _because_ she would be targeted?"

"I don't think so," she replied. "It's not like him to be worried about others like that." Gaara caring about some nameless genin? Enough to withhold information from even his family? The idea was so preposterous it made her chuckle. "If this was any other hormonal teenage boy, maybe. But this is _Gaara_ we're talking about."

"Okay, you didn't have to laugh at my idea," Kankuro grumbled. "Are we sure it's someone from the council though?"

The Suna council were a formidable group of people. And they should be – they were made up of the strongest and wisest in their village. Last night's attack all but declared a war on their brother. If it really was from the council, it could spell big trouble.

But who exactly were they fighting against? Was it only one? A few? All?

"Does it matter?" she finally said. "It's obvious someone wants Sakura dead. This is the second attempt."

"That we know of," Kankuro pointed out. "There might be more. It's not like we're keeping tabs on her."

"Maybe we should."

"I'm not a bodyguard, Temari – "

"Think about it for a minute, you idiot," she hissed. "If we keep her alive, they might try to kill her again. We can use that chance and find out who wants her dead."

"Or they might not try again," Kankuro countered. "And we'll just be wasting our time."

"Let's make it so they'll try again, then," she said, tapping her nails on the wooden table.

Kankuro raised a brow. "How?"

"We give them an opening to kill her," she said firmly. Kankuro looked at her like she was crazy.

"You're fucking crazy," he said. "Literally, you just said we should guard her, and now you say we let them kill her? Which one is it?"

"I didn't say we let them kill her. I said we give them an _opening_ to kill her."

"There's a difference?"

"There's a difference." Kankuro looked skeptical, but leaned back in his chair.

"Alright," he said slowly, and Temari can almost see the gears turning in his head. "Let's hear this plan of yours."

Temari looked around the room. Kankuro had assured her that there were no spies, but she dropped her voice to a whisper anyway.

"We flaunt the fact she's alive. I've told Gaara to keep Sakura by his side. They won't try anything with him there. But one month from now will be the Salt Ceremony. Gaara will be busy with it, and they'll use that time to strike."

"How can you be sure?"

"If you're the one planning to kill her, wouldn't you think the same?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Notes:
> 
> Am I on a roll or what? Two days after the last chapter and here's another update! I guess this is my apology for leaving you guys for two+ weeks. I hope you enjoy this chapter!
> 
> Black swallowtail butterflies represent big changes, and big changes are slowly but surely happening! Also haha I guess no one caught on that Gaara does not ever refer to Sakura by her name during his POVs. It's because he doesn't know her name!
> 
> You might be wondering why, and it's because: When we first meet Gaara in the manga, he asked for Sasuke's name because he recognised his strength. My headcanon is that Gaara (at this point) only recognises those whom he deems are strong (not necessarily stronger than him). So this is like, a step for him. He has recognised Sakura's strength! Good job Sakura!
> 
> But also, whoops, Sakura is going to be used by Temari and Kankuro. How will this develop? I'd love to know your thoughts!
> 
> I'm running on Vitamin C chewable tablets and chocolate right now haha. I'm feeling better but some days are worse than others.
> 
> I find myself obsessively refreshing my email for a review, so pretty please review? They really do fuel my writing, and I love reading and responding to them!
> 
> I'd like to take the chance to thank the following: avidreader_123, Genmastone, NDCtomato, Distant Voice and Sarah for reviewing! And a special thank you to Zaidah! Thank you for messaging me, you have no idea how much it made my day!
> 
> And finally, to Nanami: espero que lo estés haciendo bién.
> 
> If anyone is reading this, and English isn't your first language, or you're too shy to review, I completely understand! This chapter is dedicated to all of you silently reading this story. I thank you for taking the chance with this story. I hope you continue to support this story.
> 
> If you're reading this on FFN, there's an option there to PM me - don't be shy and say hi! I'd love to chat.
> 
> Also, I know this is a slowburn buuuuuuut as special thanks for everyone (I'm emotional today, sue me hahaha) (jk pls don't sue me I'm a broke college student huhu) HERE'S A SNIPPET OF SOMETHING THAT WILL HAPPEN IN THE FAR FUTURE (maybe. it's not set in stone yet). Let me know what you think of this scene!
> 
> I can tell you what inspired it: I saw a turtle gif. That's right. A turtle gif. I can't find that turtle gif anywhere, but you can thank it for this scene haha. Enjoy!
> 
> And pls pls make my day and leave a review?
> 
> X
> 
> She cupped his face in her hands and stared at his unfocused eyes.
> 
> "Gaara. Come back."
> 
> To me. That last part she couldn't utter. She didn't dare. It seemed taboo, and by uttering them, she might bring to life something that shouldn't even exist. His body trembled and she tightened her hold on him, as if that might anchor him back to reality.
> 
> "You can do this," she said gently. She saw his consciousness slowly surface as his eyes found their focus on her. His expression was full of confusion, and her heart broke at the fear in his eyes. Breathing hard, his hands clutched at her arms tightly, desperately. The pain from his hold was almost unbearable, but she only gave him a smile.
> 
> "I'm back," he rasped, voice hollow. There were no tears in his eyes, but she felt them in his words. She held him tightly in her arms, hoping fervently her presence could extinguish his sadness, even for just a moment.
> 
> "Welcome back," she mouthed against his temple, relieved.


	14. Indecisive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Date last revised: July 25, 2020
> 
> AN: I passed all my classes last semester! Aah, I could cry! Also, I fixed the formatting on AO3! Copying and pasting from FFN posed some problems haha.

_Six months ago…_

Kankuro had openly refused the position of Kazekage because the idea of subduing Gaara should Shukaku take over was too frightening to even consider.

“Do I look like the strongest shinobi to you?” he asked Temari, eyes comically wide in disbelief. “Dad –“ He stopped himself and scowled. “Being Kazekage won’t save me from _him_. I’d like to live until I’m as old as Ebizu-jiisama, thanks.”

He turned back to his work, a large ‘fuck off’ painted on his door. The black paint was still fresh, and some of the paint dribbled down like blood from a weeping wound. Grabbing a folded piece of cloth from his pocket, he wiped the excess paint and placed his hands on his hips, finally satisfied.

“You think they’ll get the message?” he asked, smirking. She shook her head at her brother’s antics. He was only one year younger than her, but he was still so _immature._ There was nothing she wanted more than to broach the topic of their father’s death, but Kankuro did not do _feelings_.

Still, there was a redness around his eyes, and his laugh seemed hollow. The smirk dropped as quickly as it came and the both of them stared at the message on the door.

Words were on the tip of her tongue.

_Are you okay?_

Instead she hit him upside the head. Kankuro rubbed at it dolefully, refusing to look at her.

Above, they heard Gaara’s screams and the sound of his sand slamming against the walls in his room, making them freeze. The sound was almost inhuman, and goosebumps raised against the back of her arms as she heard howling.

Shukaku was taking control, if Gaara’s screams were anything to go by.

Their father was dead – who could control him now?

A hazy memory of her mother floated in her mind. Her promise to take care of her unborn brother as the eldest daughter, her mother’s smile as she held out a pinkie in a childish promise…

“Go to your room,” she managed to say, licking her dry lips. Kankuro didn’t need to be told twice – he slammed the door shut, and the freshly painted message stared at her in the face.

She found herself at the base of the stairs, but in the end she couldn’t bring herself to even take a step. Another howl from Gaara had her rooted in place, fear causing her knees to lock. Her arm clutched the railing tightly, knuckles white.

“Can I help you, Temari-sama?”

Akito stood at the top of the stairs, grey eyes crinkled in a polite smile. His long, white hair was tied in the usual tight ponytail. Unlike her, he seemed unperturbed by the killing intent Gaara (or was it Shukaku?) oozed.

“I-Is Gaara alright?” she asked, chastising herself for stammering. Akito was merely a servant. She had nothing to be afraid of.

Akito bowed low. “I’m afraid not. It seems he’s finally awake after your journey back from Konoha.”

Another roar was heard, sending chills down her spine. She turned away and hastily walked back to her room, shaking. A heavy, sinking feeling had settled itself in her stomach. Slamming her door shut, she slid down onto the floor as her knees gave out.

She stared at her hands.

There was no way she would be able to keep her promise. She can’t protect Gaara – she could barely protect herself _from_ him.

“Tou-san, come back,” she whispered, burying her face in her hands as Gaara’s screams filled the house. The house shook as she heard his sand slam again and again against the walls, relentless. She tried to make herself as small as possible, to disappear between the cracks on the walls. “I’m scared.”

_Save me from this monster I have to call my brother._

* * *

Fuck.

This was why Kankuro hated politics.

“Calm down, you’re making me dizzy,” Temari said, rolling her eyes as he stood up and started pacing around the room.

He gave her a look. “If we fail, they’ll know _I_ know, and they’re going to come for me. You’re only calm because your life isn’t on the line!”

“Idiot. If _you_ know, then they’ll know _I_ know, too. And if they find out we’re helping her, our loyalty to Suna could be called into question,” Temari said, resting her chin on the table. “Especially if the one who ordered the attacks were really from the council.”

Kankuro made a noise in the back of his throat, sounding suspiciously like a whimper. “I’m not doing this Temari.” He ran his hands over his hair in panic. “I’m sorry, but I can’t.” His dad once introduced him to Tojuro-senior. Afterwards, his dad told him he was in charge of torture and interrogation, and Kankuro didn’t doubt it.

Not for a moment.

“We won’t fail,” his sister said firmly, snapping him out of his thoughts.

He shook his head – she was crazy. Absolutely crazy. Why was he related to crazy people? “If it’s really the council’s decision? What then?” Temari smiled thinly.

“Well, that one’s easy, dear brother,” she said, voice deceptively light. “Who are you more scared of – them or Gaara?” He stopped his pacing.

Damn it.

Shoulders sagging, he heaved a deep sigh and sat back down. Temari looked triumphant.

* * *

Tsunade poured a drink for herself and the man sitting across from her. Kakashi took the proffered drink but left it untouched, which was fine by her. She drank the contents of the cup in one gulp, because she had a feeling she knew what he came here for, and she didn’t particularly want to have this conversation sober.

“I was going to take my precious student for some ramen when I got home,” Kakashi started, finger tracing the lip of the cup slowly, “but imagine my surprise when I found out you sent her to Suna. Alone.” His lone eye stared at her, accusing.

She took her time pouring her second drink, wanting to choose her words carefully. From the reports she had read, Kakashi had just returned from a long mission. Her eyes gave him a cursory glance. His grey hair was still damp from his recent shower, but from the way he sat, she knew he had injuries he didn’t disclose.

Still, if he wanted to suffer, she’d let him be. They all had their vices.

“Gaara-san didn’t trust anyone else besides those close to Naruto,” she replied, folding her hands under her chin. “You weren’t exactly available at the time.”

Kakashi leaned back in his chair. “Giving an S-rank mission to a genin is basically sending them to their death, Hokage-sama. Do you have something against my student?”

“You don’t trust her,” she noted.

Kakashi lifted one shoulder in a casual shrug. “She’s a smart and capable kunoichi, but she’s too young to be sent to Suna. We’re not exactly on friendly terms with them after the attack.”

Tsunade snorted. “Age has nothing to do with it, Kakashi. Just admit it: you think she’s too weak.” He closed his lone eye. “Am I wrong?”

“You’re not,” he said after a moment. Heaving a sigh, he leaned his elbows on his knees, looking older than his years. “I thought Sakura would be safer with you. That’s why I didn’t do anything when you took her in. What if she dies out there?”

She took a measured sip, allowing herself to appreciate the complex taste of the drink. “Then she died for the village, and we’ll be forever grateful.” She wasn’t surprised when Kakashi stood up.

“Cut out the bullshit.”

“You’ve done harsher missions when you were her age. Tell me where’s the bullshit.”

“She and I are _very_ different. I had no choice.”

“Well then, I guess not that different. I didn’t give her a choice, either.” He slammed his hands on her desk, rattling her paperwork and their drinks. She clicked her tongue and stared back, unafraid.

“Let me take her place.”

“Not possible. Besides, I was never planning on holding her hand, Kakashi,” she said, turning away from him. “If she stayed here, nothing’s going to change for her. She needs this mission.”

Sakura needed to be far away from here. Without realising it, Tsunade had started to see a part of herself in Sakura, and it scared her. She would not allow her student to make the same mistakes as she did. But Sakura would need to be stronger – not just physically, but mentally, too.

Staying in Konoha was slowly suffocating her apprentice. The late night shifts at the hospital, the weight loss, the frayed nerves – she could tell, because she’d felt the same.

After Dan’s death, she couldn’t bear to be in Konoha – because everything reminded her of him. She had drowned herself with back to back shifts at the hospital before her fear of blood became too much. And then she drowned herself in her drinking, and her gambling – anything to keep herself afloat as she moved from city to city.

Her apprentice hadn’t told her of her feelings for the Uchiha, but Tsunade wasn’t dumb. There was love there. She could see it in the way Sakura’s eyes softened at the mere mention of his name, her wistful smile which trembled at the corners.

The conversation between her and Jiraiya surfaced in her mind. _History is repeating itself_.

For Sakura’s sake, she hoped not.

* * *

Sakura watched Gaara out of the corner of her eye. They had passed the past few hours in silence, only broken by the scratching of his pen on paper, or whenever she turned a page in one of her books.

She had been trying to gather courage to talk to him, but every time she thought to open her mouth, her brain refused to give her any good thing worth mentioning.

Of course, she thought of thanking him for what he did for her last night. But she had a feeling he wouldn’t even acknowledge her for it. Killing was probably second nature to him; it’d be like if he thanked her for breathing. Besides, what she wanted was a conversation. If she wanted to hear herself talk, she’d turn around and just chat to the wall. Talking about the weather was pathetic, even for her. Family topics –

 _Let’s not even go there_.

Which left the topic of why she was in Suna in the first place. But what she had were only barebones of a plan, and it was more suicidal than anything. He had given her more time to research, and she guessed now was a good time as any to give him an update.

Touching her back gingerly, it was hard to believe she’d only been in Suna for four days – it felt a lot longer in her mind. She felt tired, scared and stressed since she arrived. At this point, she was just exhausted from the constant mental pressure.

She wanted to go home.

“I’m not keeping you to the mission unwillingly,” Gaara said. She didn’t realise she said it out loud and felt her ears turn red. “You’re the one who wanted to stay.” His voice was gruff from lack of use, but he didn’t say it accusingly, only matter-of-factly.

He was right, though. Staying here in Suna, subjecting herself to danger – this was all on her. She felt embarrassed. “I didn’t – I don’t want to fail my first solo mission.” Something passed over Gaara’s face, but it was gone just as quickly.

“Maybe your Hokage has underestimated this mission,” he replied. After a moment, he added, “It happens.”

She shook her head, and shut her book loudly, affronted on her mentor’s behalf. “No, shishou wouldn’t.”

“Then maybe she overestimated you.”

It wasn’t as if Sakura hadn’t thought of the same thing since she took the mission, but the careless remark still stung. “Maybe,” she agreed readily. “But I won’t let her down.”

She had made so many mistakes during this mission it was a miracle she was still alive. But she trusted her shishou. If Tsunade thought Sakura could do this, then that was all Sakura needed.

She would not fail her Hokage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woohoo!! This chapter is finally done! This had more scenes from the other characters, and less GaaSaku (I’m sorry haha!) But ahhh there’s a reason for that! This chapter was special because I managed to use some of the things that I learned (writing wise hehe) I wanted to explore the theme of loyalty in this chapter. I hope that I managed to convey it properly! I’d love to know your thoughts about it! This is more of a filler chapter as we gear towards the ‘official’ start of Sakura’s mission!  
> Also omg we’re only on Sakura’s fourth day at Suna, can you believe it??? It honestly felt like much longer hahaha. I swear it will pick up pace, please hang in there!  
> Tsunade and Kakashi – I was very hesitant to write this scene because I’m not very confident in my characterisation of Kakashi (and to some extent, Tsunade) so please let me know if he’s in character or a bit out of character so I can try to make it as close to canon as possible haha.  
> What do you think Temari’s plan is? I’d love to know your theories! Hehe I’m actually very excited to write Temari because I’m loving her character. The first part of this chapter, I was originally thinking of adding in the first chapter, but I realised that it suited this chapter better. I think it showed some complexity with her character – she was only 15/16 when her father died, and idk, I wanted to address her mental state at that time. We can’t all be strong 24/7, that’s what I thought while writing that scene, so if it seems out of character, I’m sorry! It also begs the question – what happened during those six months to make her so protective of Gaara now? What do you guys think? I’d love to know!  
> Also, if you remember the short snippet I wrote last chapter – someone drew that moment! Aaah, I was so happy to see it, it really made my day! If you’d like to see it as well, please check my profile for the link! And if you do draw anything from this story, I’d love to see it! So thank you Calis for drawing that scene!  
> I would like to thank you guys for your support and reviews! I may or may not have cried haha. Thank you to Guest, Ilikeoldfandoms7, Sarah, willow441988, BlackComet19, Rise of the Blossom, mistyblues and Distant Voice for reviewing on FFN. Thank you to avidreader_123, July, MaryBrazilHere, theClassyFangirl and Genmastone for reviewing on AO3! I’d also like to thank darkkurama for sending me a message about my fanfic!   
> Honestly, reading your reviews really made me happy. These past few weeks I had a lot of deadlines and I was really stressed. I reread all of your reviews several times, especially when I felt really discouraged in myself. So thank you thank you so much, you have no idea how much they mean to me. I wanted to let you guys know that I appreciate your reviews.  
> I had several people message me because they’re not confident leaving a review since English isn’t their first language and I just want to say that you shouldn’t worry! If you’re more comfortable reviewing in your language, I have installed Google Translate as a Chrome extension, so don’t be shy to say hi haha! I don’t bite (although I do smash my keyboard frequently when I reply to your reviews lolol).  
> In a life update, I passed all of my subjects last semester and I finally got a part time job at a restaurant! If you remember, I failed an assignment in one of my classes (well, actually, I failed two assignments from the same class huhu) so I was really stressed about having to redo that class, but I ended up barely passing! (STILL. A pass is a pass and I’m so thankful!) Also, I’m not very good at interviews, so I was glad I got the job. I’m very nervous, but at the same time, I’m very excited! Has anyone worked at a restaurant before, and if so, what are some tips and tricks?  
> Finally, I’m planning to start another GaaSaku fic and I’d like to run it by you guys (don’t worry! My first priority is still MOAN (honestly, this acronym will never get old haha!) but I’ll be writing the first chapter for my friend because it was her birthday!) It’s going to be a fantasy/historical au inspired by many things haha. Here’s a snippet, let me know what you think!  
> Please look forward to the next chapter, where we kick things up a notch!  
> X  
> Just past the gates of the Emerald Palace, Sakura ran barefoot, her robes of softest silk fluttering behind. Her face betrayed her deepest sorrow, from the knot in her brow, to the tears on her cheeks, to her trembling lips as she made her escape.   
> Her father was dead.  
> And it was all his fault.  
> She stumbled as she stepped onto her silk robes. Normally, she would despair at the state of her attire, but everything about this was not normal.  
> Uchiha Sasuke was her betrothed. She would have gladly given him the throne in exchange for his love. Why would he do this?  
> How could he?


	15. 19 Sai: Soiled Soul

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Date last revised: August 7, 2020
> 
> TW: Slightly disgusting bit at the start about blood and severed heads sowwy

_Last night…_

The daimyo of Kaze no Kuni, stumbled out of his extravagant palanquin, the smell of alcohol, tobacco and strong perfume following him. His robes were in visible disarray, bright red lipstick stains on his neck and chest a stark contrast against his pale skin. A satisfied grin was plastered on his face as he thought of the beautiful women his fellow officers had presented him a few hours prior – he would have to give Kou-san a raise for such wonderful entertainment.

"Daimyo-sama," a servant said, scurrying outside to meet him. His face was pale, and cold sweat gathered on his forehead. Visibly shaking, he bowed low. "Welcome back, daimyo-sama. You have a visitor."

He` narrowed his eyes, barely able to comprehend what his servant said. "I don't remember expecting guests," he said, slurring his words. "Tell them to go home."

"Please daimyo-sama," the servant stammered, bowing even lower, "They request your immediate presence." He sighed and tried his best to fix his robes, regretfully wiping the lipstick stains on his skin as he followed his servant into the visiting lounge. The servant didn't dare enter the room and his bow was parallel to the ground while he held the door open for him.

A red-haired boy stood by the wide windows of the lounge, staring at the full moon. And when he turned, there it was – the unmistakable kanji of love on his forehead.

Gaara was covered in blood. So much blood it looked like he had bathed in it. His clothes and gourd were soaked through, his pale skin was tinged dark red, and those green eyes of his stood out, glowing almost otherworldly.

The daimyo's heart almost stopped at the sight of him. He looked more a monster than man.

"Daimyo-sama," Gaara said, bowing his head slightly. He would have been insulted at the boy's lack of proper etiquette, had he not been paralysed with fear.

Taking a few seconds to gather his courage, he cleared his throat. "To what do I owe this…pleasure?"

Sand slithered out of Gaara's gourd and poured on the floor, the sound it made almost hissing at him.

"I have something for you," Gaara replied evenly, "As thank you for placing your trust in Suna once again."

He breathed a sigh of relief. "Of course," he said genially, back straightening. "I'm glad to bring Suna's economy back to speed. I assume the mission was a success?"

"Of course," Gaara said, before procuring a bloodied head. He held it by the hair, and the frozen horrified expression of Toro no Sato's chieftain stared at the daimyo in the face. Sobering, he dragged his eyes away from the souvenir to meet Gaara's eyes. There was something harsh and dark there, something unhinged and deadly.

"Well? Aren't you going to take it?"

Anger and terror rose in his heart, but Gaara's eyes dared him to disobey, lips set in a snarl. Sand swirled fasted by his feet, the sound of hissing growing louder by the second.

And so the daimyo, mere man, held out his trembling hands.

"Yes, of course," he whispered through gritted teeth, closing his eyes as he felt the weight of the head on his fingers. He won't forget this humiliation. How dare he come into his house and threaten him in this manner? "Thank you."

He would make sure this brat would never become the Kazekage.

Not in his lifetime.

* * *

"You're sure it will work?"

Gaara raised an eyebrow at Sakura, arms folded. Her idea was interesting enough – continually administering him anaesthesia until he had enough rest was tempting, but the problem with the plan was _her_.

If Shukaku decides to rear his head as soon as he was unconscious (and Gaara had no doubt he will), then Sakura wouldn't stand a chance, even though her fight from last night showed some promise.

His eyes gazed at her like he would a prey, and immediately he saw several openings. Her lack of reaction to the small killing intent he allowed to seep out was telling – she was still too relaxed in his presence. Shukaku would devour her before she could even scream.

Licking his lips, he sent out a blast of sand towards her without warning, interested in seeing her response. As expected, her eyes widened at the oncoming attack and she jumped away just in time. Her eyes were on alert now, knees bent and staring at him distrustfully.

That was more like it.

"You're still tired," he said, turning back to his work, "You should sleep-" Her stomach growled and he paused.

"Would you like something to eat?" he asked, raising his eyes to meet hers. She coloured, but said nothing. On cue, someone knocked on the door. A servant entered the room, holding a large tray full to the brim of fruits, dishes, desserts and juices in gold goblets.

The servant bowed, first to him, and then to Sakura, holding the heavy tray with shaking arms. Still, Sakura made no move to grab something to eat, looking at the food warily.

Finally, tired of waiting, Gaara's sand shot out and grabbed an apple from the pile. The servant started, but kept his firm grip on the tray. The apple fell onto Gaara's waiting hand.

Sakura watched as he brought the apple to his lips, taking a generous bite. Slowly, he chewed, feeling for any poison. Finding none, he swallowed, before darting his tongue to lick at the juices coating his bottom lip, and rubbing his sleeve at the rest staining his chin.

"It's safe to eat," he said, throwing the apple towards her. Sakura caught the apple clumsily and stared at him incredulously. "Eat, then rest. Tomorrow, we'll spar. I want to see how strong you really are."

* * *

Gaara didn't really like to talk, Sakura realised after a few hours spent in his company. He mostly sat behind his desk, reading and writing. Occasionally there would be a knock on the door, and people would come in. Without fail, their eyes would widen at seeing her presence there.

She felt embarrassed, but Gaara kept her in the office, regardless.

This was the biggest difference she noticed. In Konoha, Tsunade-shishou's office was always loud – there were shinobi of all levels at all times. There was rarely a moment to breathe, and helping in the Hokage office meant dealing with clients and disgruntled shinobi.

Here, there were rarely people who entered the room, and those who entered didn't say anything. They would bow to him, and then to her, carefully placing a scroll onto the large desk before bowing again and leaving.

No words were exchanged.

"Shouldn't you have a secretary for things like that?" she dared to ask. Gaara hummed in agreement. "Why are you doing almost everything by yourself?"

She heard him let out a breath; almost a sigh, but not quite. "Do you think anyone would willingly want to work with me, Haruno-san?"

Fair point.

But still.

"What about Temari-san? Or Kankuro-san?" she asked, frowning.

Gaara had stopped his work and levelled her a stare. "I haven't asked, and they haven't offered."

Oh.

"I'm sorry," she said, stammering, "I shouldn't have -"

"Yes, you shouldn't have."

She kept quiet after that.

* * *

Gaara didn't pay attention as Sakura slowly fell asleep on the couch in the Kazekage office. He had bigger things to worry about.

Provoking the daimyo wasn't the wisest of decisions, but it was the closest thing Gaara could do bar killing him. He found satisfaction in seeing the daimyo bend to his will, and his horrified face was worth the trouble of going all the way to Kaze no Kuni's capital.

The past few weeks Ryusa-senior made him work on Suna's budgets showed the effect of their daimyo outsourcing his missions to Konohagakure. Seeing the steep decline in their village's profits from a decade ago – no wonder they resorted to accepting Orochimaru's offer to attack, if only to show their daimyo how powerful they still were.

Back then, he couldn't care less about the politics of it all; as long as he could kill and satiate Shukaku, he was satisfied. But now, if he was going to be Kazekage, he would have to be more vigilant about Suna's financial situation or it could lead to another unrest within the village.

He also knew he had to reign in his anger at some point – he tended to react out of spite, and his little visit to their daimyo was proof of that. But the deaths of the genin team weighed heavily on his mind, and some part of him wanted someone else to blame. It was easy to pick on the daimyo – if he never commissioned the mission, this never would have happened.

Still, he was not looking forward to the council finding out he provoked their daimyo, although he doubted the old man would speak of the incident to anyone else. All Gaara had to do, then, was keep this little detour to himself.

Rubbing his temples wearily, he focused on the list of names on a scroll, Yumi-senior's neat handwriting on the side: _Please talk to the families of the deceased tomorrow._ In smaller handwriting, she had written: _Damage control_.

Damage control.

The phrase was laughable. The damage was done. There was nothing to control. All of this was to appease the living, but the dead will still remain dead.

There were pages upon pages of things he was supposed to say to the families: condolences, 'their deaths will not be in vain', 'they died honourably serving Suna' –

Was this something they want to hear from him? Was this something he should say in the first place? The words felt hollow; it sounded like something Akito would say to piss him off.

Remembering him, Gaara grimaced and ripped the pages of script into little pieces, allowing his sand to devour the scraps until nothing was left.

Yumi-senior meant well, but those words were not from him. He thought back to his fight with Naruto, and how his words got through to him.

Maybe he could do the same?

Licking his lips, he grabbed a blank paper and began writing.

* * *

Sakura dreamed of the sun.

Its rays shone so brightly onto everything – illuminating her surroundings in an intense white light causing her to squint. She could barely make out outlines on the horizon – her family, Team 7, her friends, Tsunade-shishou, Konoha, home.

Relieved, she ran towards them, but the closer she got, the warmer she became. The heat gently bloomed within her, petals unfurling until it reached the tips of her fingers.

And then she was fire.

Flames licked her skin; her blood now magma, hot and scorching, running through her veins. When she glanced at her hands, her skin glowed at the heat inside her, pulsing yellow, then orange, then red.

With the heat overwhelming, she opened her mouth to scream, nails digging into skin. But instead of a cry, a melody burst from her lips, fervent and desperate and sorrowful. Lava oozed where her nails met flesh, fast and steady, pooling onto the ground.

Her heart aflame, she screamed and wailed, her tears turning to endless sand as they ran down her cheeks, smothering the flames and soothing her wounds. The sand surged and wrapped themselves around her, coarse grains burrowing into her skin like shield.

As the sand covered her completely, cocooning her in darkness, she finally felt the heat inside her crackle and simmer until only faint embers remained. Her skin still glowed faintly, new skin shimmering. Now, her whole body was a scar, and her whole skin scar tissue.

In the darkness, she saw a pair of glowing green eyes staring back.

* * *

When Sakura woke up, she found herself still in the Kazekage office. Gaara was still at his desk, immersed in paperwork which never seemed to get any smaller. Sweat clung to her back even though the temperature was low, and she sat up, careful of the healed wound on her back. She didn't realise she had fallen asleep, and when she glanced at the windows behind him, the sky turning pink from the dawn approaching.

She yawned behind her hands and stretched, wincing as her wound throbbed. Quickly, green chakra covered her hands and she gave herself a quick scan, relieved to find everything mostly healed.

It was the most she had slept since arriving at Suna. Even though she was still scared of Gaara, he was the closest thing to her ally right now.

Secretly, she was glad she hadn't been brought back to her room – it unnerved her, how easily the servants accessed it, and how easily they could kill her, what with the doors lacking locks.

"Did you rest well?" Gaara asked, raising a brow.

_As well as I could, sleeping on the couch._

She stood up and bowed. "Yes, thank you for asking, Gaara-sama."

"Good," he replied, standing up before grabbing the gourd by the side of the table and strapping it onto him. "Because we'll be sparring now."

**End of Part II: 19 Sai**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note:
> 
> No beta huhu but hopefully you guys still enjoyed!
> 
> This chapter is finally done omg THIS TOOK ME WAY TOO LONG. I rewrote so many parts, it's crazy how many times I had to rewrite several scenes – if I had another OMAKE chapter, half of it would probably come from this chapter alone UGH I scrapped so many scenes guys huhu. I wanted to cry from frustration because some parts just WOULDN'T WORK.
> 
> I had specific scenes in mind that I couldn't write properly without several revisions e.g. the first scene with the daimyo, which took me several days. There was also another scene I had in mind for Sakura's hesitance to eat food, but then it wouldn't work and then I figured eh, why not have Gaara poison test it instead? And then that scene literally wrote itself.
> 
> (And also, okay, I liked the image of Gaara with juice running down his chin and staring at Sakura for some reason it's making me blush wahaha, CAN SOMEONE DRAW THIS pls HAHA)
> 
> But now I'm finally happy with how this chapter worked out for the most part, haha.
> 
> In the end, the entire Part II: 19 Sai ended up raising several more plot points (because I'm a masochist and whY NOT? haha). This chapter I was pretty heavy handed with symbolisms that I hoped you guys picked some out! Speaking of symbolisms:
> 
> I HAD SO MUCH FUN WRITING THE DREAM SCENE. That was my favourite part, and I hope you guys liked it too! I'm not very descriptive/flowery in my writing most of the time, so I tried really hard to at least achieve it in that scene.
> 
> I had a lot of fun researching dream interpretations for different elements in that dream, although if I'm being honest, I wrote the scene first and then I researched the meaning afterwards. I was pretty pleased that the results were accurate to what I wanted to convey! That was basically the only scene that didn't give me a problem haha. I'm so excited to read your thoughts about what the dream meant, especially for Sakura's future!
> 
> AND I CAN'T BELIEVE IT BUT WE'RE OVER 100+ REVIEWS ON FFN I CAN'T STOP SMILING AND GRINNING AND SQUEALING. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would even get this far (there's a reason most of my other stories were one-shots haha!) I couldn't have gone this far without you all! Thank you thank you thank you, I appreciate all of your reviews!
> 
> Thank you to Sarah, Lucency, rawrsharpii, Zenitsu, mistyblues, NinjaRoja, Distant Voice and Rise of the Blossom for reviewing on FFN! Thank you to avidreader_123, Genmastone and NDCtomato for reviewing on AO3! Thank you to those who took the time and reviewed multiple chapters! You guys have my deepest gratitude. Without your support and encouragement, I would have abandoned this fic a long time ago (just look at my first try at this plot: Fascination huhu). So this is chapter is dedicated to each and every one of you!
> 
> I started work a week ago and everything was so busy that I felt like I've been working there for months already haha. I work until 11pm so sometimes when I get home I just drop onto bed and go straight to sleep, so I'm struggling a bit with finding time to write, but this week I think I finally got the hang of my work and school schedule hehe! I also have an idea of what will happen next chapter, so expect a shorter wait for the next one!
> 
> I'd like to thank you guys for cheering me on about the fight scene a couple of chapters ago, and hopefully I can provide a repeat performance because YES it will be a fight between Gaara and Sakura! I'm so excited! What's going to happen? Aaah, please look forward to it!
> 
> PS. I think I'm moving waayy too fast with the plot? haha or is that just me? please let me know if i'm moving too fast or too slow!


	16. Awakening

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Date last revised: August 16, 2020
> 
> TW: Friendly(?) sparring. Also this chapter isn't beta'd – lol, who's surprised at this point, right? But I hope you enjoy!
> 
> Part III: Departure
> 
> Awakening

Gaara had not given Sakura a moment to process his words before his sand wrapped around them both and transported them on an empty training ground. The hint of pink and orange hues in the horizon promised daybreak, and she stood, shaking partly from the cold and from nervousness.

If she's being honest with herself, a small part of her was excited at the prospect of a spar. It's the perfect outlet for her anger and frustrations, and she sorely missed training with Lee and his team.

The problem was her sparring partner.

He stood a few metres away from her, arms folded and expression blank. Observing the training ground, she knew she was severely disadvantaged. She'd already seen his power from her very first day. It wouldn't even take a fraction of his chakra to crush her, if he decided on it. If she had Lee's speed, or Sasuke-kun's strength, she might stand a chance, but right now?

Her chance of winning was zero. Zilch. Nada.

Fuck.

"Whenever you're ready, Haruno-san," Gaara said, his steady voice carried by the cold wind. She took a deep breath; her heart was beating so fast she felt like throwing up. Stretching her limbs and shaking her fingers loose, her mind tried to come up with a plan.

Her main problem would be his sand.

Ninjutsu was out of the question – she only knew the basics from the academy, and her medical ninjutsu required time to execute. _Brute strength could work_ , she thought as she licked her dry lips. _And then genjutsu to catch him off-guard._

She could hopefully land a punch.

Hopefully.

Taking another deep breath, she coated her feet in chakra so she wouldn't sink into the sand while she moved. She placed a hand over her chest and felt her rapid heartbeat.

 _Just one punch, Sakura_. _Let's aim for just one punch._

Before she could lose her nerve, she ran towards him.

She didn't have any kunai or shuriken, so she was forced to clash against the sand with her bare fists. The first wave of sand covered her arm and solidified, throwing her a few metres away. She skidded across the sand and without giving her a moment to gather herself, the sand grabbed her legs and threw her high into the air.

Her stomach dropped as she reached the peak and started free-falling. Limbs flailing, she saw the sand underneath hardening into spikes, growing in height to meet her halfway.

Panic surged, and her mind went into overdrive. Clenching her fists, she gathered chakra and aimed at the spike directly underneath her. Chakra met sand and the sand gave way, crumbling and crashing down along with her.

Her hands met the sand first and she felt her right wrist twist unnaturally. There was a sharp pain before it dulled as adrenaline rushed through her. She twisted her body and rolled, stumbling to her feet, barely dodging another wave of sand.

Her feet moved back a few feet to analyse the situation, as her left hand healed her right.

Gaara hadn't even moved from his position. His arms remained folded, and his eyes watched her with an unreadable expression. It irked her to see him so unruffled, while she had been thrown like a ragdoll across the training grounds.

Still, as soon as her right wrist was healed, she ran towards him again, eyes trained at his sand.

She expected the attack, but it still knocked the wind out of her when it solidified into a small, tight sphere and slammed into her abdomen. It warped and wrapped around her middle before slamming her onto the ground. Her hands grasped at the sand and pulled at it, only to have it slither up her arms and hold it in place.

Shit shit shit!

She couldn't help screaming as she was repeatedly slammed onto the ground. Her head felt like splitting open as it bore the brunt of the attack, and desperately she increased the chakra on her hands until she could finally yank her arms back from the sand.

Grabbing the sand wrapped around her, she pulled them away while heading straight for Gaara. It crumbled in her hands before solidifying between her fingers, making her cry out in frustration. They clung like gloves on her hands, preventing her from forming any seals for ninjutsu.

She wanted to slam the hardened sand on the ground, but she was scared it would only grow and drag her further. A plan formed in her mind, a small spark, but it was better than nothing.

Pumping chakra into her feet, conscious of her dropping chakra reserves, she headed for Gaara, fist cocked for a punch. As she hoped, the sand on her fists dissolved to defend him.

Hands finally free, her fingers moved into the most complicated genjutsu she had in her arsenal, aiming it at Gaara.

He would see her moving straight towards him, while she came in from behind. It required more chakra than she was willing to part with, since it needed to create illusions for sight and sound, but it was her best shot. She masked her chakra and headed behind him when she felt sand snake around her legs.

Her hopes shattered in a million pieces, and the feeling of devastation and shock was so overwhelming her knees buckled.

"Catching me in a genjutsu is useless," Gaara said, releasing himself from the genjutsu easily enough before turning towards her, "The sand moves independent of my will." She didn't have a chance to retort how unfair this entire sparring match was before his sand tightened around her legs and threw her across the training ground hard enough to cause whiplash.

At least her hands were free. She raised her arms to shield her head from the impact as she tumbled across the training field, her shoulder landing especially hard. The sharp pain made spots appear before her eyes and her vision narrowed to a point. When her vision cleared, she saw sand coming after her, and she had to push chakra towards her feet just to avoid it.

Desperate to land a punch, she headed straight for Gaara again, but her eyes widened as a wall of sand rose in front of her. She swerved to the left just as it crashed, and dust settled into the air, stinging her eyes. Amid the haze, she failed to see another sand wall rise in front of her.

She slammed into it _hard_. Clutching her face, her hands felt the warm blood running down her nose and on the side of her head. The memory of the incident a few nights ago returned full force – she was back in her room, and the masked man was stabbing her arms repeatedly with his kunai, pulling her legs back towards him as she scrambled to get away.

Frozen, she didn't see the wall of sand crumble and head towards her until it was too late.

* * *

Gaara was rarely surprised.

But when he saw Sakura's bare fist win against his sand, he couldn't hide the expression from his face. A lesser shinobi's arm would not have survived – after his fight with Kimimaro, Gaara made it a point to mix minerals with his sand to make it stronger – _that_ fight was too close for his taste, and he did not like to take chances when it comes to winning.

He had never seen Sakura fight, and even though he saw the carnage only a few nights ago, he found it difficult to believe she could cause such damage. It reminded him of…

Well, it reminded him of Shukaku's way of dealing with enemies, and the village of Toro no Sato came to mind as the latest example. Shukaku loved carnage, loved _creating_ carnage.

If Sakura was dealing with shinobi instead of his sand, would she be as violent? She didn't have the gracefulness of a seasoned shinobi. The way she moved reminded him of cornered prey – desperate, feral, dangerous.

Ah, it made him want to see her struggle _more_.

He couldn't help but smile as he heard her screams, and his eyes watched as she finally pulled the sand away from her torso, only to find them clinging to her hands like lead weight.

Oh, but when she casted the genjutsu against him, he had to admit if not for the sand halting her attacks, he would have to finally lift a finger against her. He wasn't sure if he could restrain himself from such an interesting fight.

Retreating into the recesses of Gaara's mind, Shukaku watched the rest of the spar, curiosity growing.

Haruno Sakura was proving to be very interesting, indeed.

* * *

"I resign."

Sakura gritted out the words reluctantly, after struggling in vain against the sand wrapped around her body. She hadn't realised the sun had already risen because she was too busy dodging attacks and pulling hardened sand away from her body.

The spar, if it could be called that, was completely one-sided. She knew trying to land a punch on him would be difficult, but damn, she felt like a child playing a game with an indulging adult.

The difference in their strength was like night and day, and it blew her mind how he never even moved from his spot! This realisation was a heavy blow to her self-esteem, but she couldn't deny his strength.

He was on another level – he was powerful enough to decimate the whole hidden village if he wanted to. But even though the whole thing was depressing, Sakura also appreciated seeing his power up close.

Sparring against him was completely different from sparring with Sasuke, Naruto, Kakashi-sensei and hell, even Lee.

They were always careful with her.

Of course, they tried to hide this fact, but Sakura wasn't dumb. Their attacks were measured, and no matter how many times she told them she could handle it, they still treated her like she was fragile.

Still, at the time, she had loved being treated differently; had loved the fact Sasuke-kun saw her as a woman. Recalling the memory now, her way of thinking was so embarrassing she could _die_.

Training under Tsunade-shishou was different, but their sparring still felt 'safe'. There was nothing at stake, and Tsunade would give her pointers during the fight the way a mentor would.

Gaara, though – Gaara pulled no punches.

She had never, in her entire existence, felt so tired after a spar. Her whole body was covered in sweat, her limbs ached, her head hurt. She had no idea where her ninja sandals went because those were the only items on her she could take off.

(Using them in a substitution jutsu was a stroke of genius on her part, but of course, _of course_ , Gaara's sand was waiting for her as soon as she finished the seals.)

He never let her gain the upper hand, and he never relented. She was forced to think on her feet and to heal her injuries, all while dodging his attacks – something she never had to do in any of her sparring sessions, until now.

Him being a long-range fighter was also a welcome challenge. Most of her sparring partners were close to mid-range fighters, and she realised how her fighting style fell short.

She always thought her chakra-enhanced punches to the ground were enough to counter long-ranged fighters but obviously not.

There were so many things she were now just realising, and it was all because of her spar with him.

Strange. Even though she lost, she didn't feel as sad as she thought she'd be. Instead, she felt the same excitement just before their spar – her whole body thrummed as she thought of plans for their spar next time.

Wait – 'next time'? Was she really willing to go through this hellish, one-sided spar again?

The sand wrapping around her loosened and she fell to the ground unceremoniously. Groaning, she rolled onto her back to find Gaara's outstretched hand.

"Not bad for the first time," he said evenly. She couldn't hold back her grin as she gratefully took his hand and used it to pull herself to her feet.

She was bruised and battered, but strangely enough, she never felt better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my goodness I loved writing this chapter! Aaaah, I'm sorry, I hope the plot didn't suddenly move too fast! It's 3am here, I came back from work at around 11pm and I've been writing since then!
> 
> What a start for Part III!
> 
> Like the chapter states, this chapter's theme was all about awakenings! I hope I managed to convey it!
> 
> I hope this was just as good as the first action scene! I was originally planning on cutting the fighting scene after Gaara's(?) POV buuuuuut I thought why not focus on some GaaSaku moments, since it was so few and far in between.
> 
> I hope people got the feeling that it wasn't entirely Gaara's POV hehe! If not, then now you know how good Shukaku is at influencing Gaara's thoughts hehe!
> 
> Sorry this AN couldn't be longer (haha!) but I'm so tired from work. I still wanted to get this chapter finished though because this spar was all I could think about at work haha!
> 
> Thank you to Sarah for pointing out that it wasn't in-character for Gaara to say 'secretary' in the last chapter – I've revised it to sound more in-character!
> 
> Thank you to Sarah, saralynfara, Ilikeoldfandoms7, Rise of the Blossom and NinjaRoja for reviewing on FFN! Thank you to Angel, Bird_of_Prey94 and Genmastone for reviewing on AO3! I will reply to all of your reviews tomorrow after I wake up hehe! I enjoyed reading your reviews and aaah, I couldn't wait to show this to you. I hope there aren't too many spelling and grammar mistakes uwuuuu
> 
> I've honestly been thinking about this fight a LOT. This chapter, omg, I researched a lot of Gaara's fights to make things work. Remind me to tell you guys all about it in the next chapter, hehe, because it was me pestering ppl on discord servers about my ideas on how Sakura could win haha!
> 
> While I was excited to write this, I'm also nervous. I feel like this might feel like too out of character, and that it's happening too fast. Aaaah, I'll eagerly await your thoughts on this. If it's too fast, do tell me! My goal is to make them as in-character as the plot allows lolol (let's see how long I can keep this up)
> 
> Finally! I'm thinking of changing the summary – I feel like it's not a good summary haha! But I'm very thankful that despite the lacklustre summary you guys still gave this story a chance ;n; omg ok I'll end it here before I get too emotional!
> 
> Also guys don't be like me and stay up until 3:30am haha! Sleep early and wake up early!
> 
> Take care guys, I'll see you in the next update! Please look forward to it!


	17. Departure: Sadness and pain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Date last revised: September 11, 2020
> 
> Part III: Departure
> 
> Sadness and pain

There was a point in Kakashi’s life where he questioned his entire existence and all the choices he made leading up to present. That point happened after he was forcibly taken out of ANBU.

Unlike others, he didn’t mind the rigorous training and the high-risk missions.

He didn’t mind a lot of things.

In ANBU, he was a perfect killing machine – someone who would execute each mission without mistakes, and no questions asked. He couldn’t remember the last time he truly felt anything – happy moments, few and far in between, was dulled and short-lived, and his sadness would wrap around him like a cloak, something he took out at night to blanket him to sleep.

Everything was white noise and blurry and he felt numbed to it all – just what he wanted.

So when he was demoted back to jounin, he felt lost. He had spent most of his teenage years mindlessly killing, and now to be thrust into normalcy, he felt inadequate – which is not something one would usually associate with one Hatake Kakashi.

What did one do with so much time? Without the rigid schedule of ANBU, he found himself sleeping the days away. Finally, fed up with doing nothing, he had reached out to Asuma, and he was quick enough to snatch a mission for them both.

It was a simple enough mission, but Kakashi was irked at Asuma’s flippant approach. He was used to precise and calculated attacks, and his teammate’s _laissez-faire_ attitude left much to be desired.

“That was a good mission, huh?” Asuma said as he dragged Kakashi onto a bar. Loud music could be heard a few blocks away and Kakashi could already feel a headache coming. “Easy enough, we could have easily stretched it to two weeks.”

Kakashi wasn’t sure he could last two more weeks with Asuma taking charge of the mission. “We should always finish the mission as quickly as possible.” Asuma’s laughter annoyed him.

“My old man’s still going to pay us the same amount – no need to rush with these things.” While true, it didn’t make Kakashi feel any better. The sooner he finished missions, the sooner he could take on _more_.

This was why he hated working in teams.

“Oy, oy,” Asuma continued, slapping Kakashi’s forehead, “I can feel you judging me! You can take it easy, you’re not in ANBU anymore.” They entered the bar, and even though they wore simple clothes, women took notice. Their hitae-ate had been left in the inn so they could blend with civilians, but even without the hitae-ate, it was obvious they were _different._ Asuma was positively thrumming with excitement, as he threw easy-going smiles to all the women they passed. Kakashi, with his mask and eyepatch, didn’t garner the same attention, which was fine by him.

“I think they dig the beard,” Asuma said, “I’ve been growing it out. Makes me look older, you know?”

“We’re still technically on a mission,” Kakashi reminded his friend.

Asuma waved a hand dismissively. “Mission, schmission. If you don’t want to be here, you can go back to the inn and read Jiraiya’s book. That’s probably the only action you’re gonna get with that attitude.”

“I don’t have time to read books.”

Asuma chuckled and ruffled Kakashi’s hair.

“Give it a read. That book will change your life, I guarantee it.”

**X**

When Shizune saw the mission brief Tsunade wrote all those weeks ago, and her heart sank as she realised the only person who fit the criteria was Sakura.

“You’re my assistant,” Tsunade had said when she volunteered. “There’s no way I’m sending you to Suna.”

“And sending Sakura is alright? She could die out there!” Tsunade’s glare had her biting her lip, but after a moment she pressed on. “She hasn’t been under your care for long. She’s making progress, but she’s nowhere near strong enough – “ She stopped and lowered her head.

Tsunade sighed. “Do you know what Jiraiya told me before he took Naruto and left?” Shizune shook her head. “He said, ‘history is repeating itself’. It gave me chills; it still does. When I took Sakura in, I knew I need to teach her to be strong so she can beat some sense into her teammates. But that might not be enough.”

“Tsunade-sama?”

Tsunade rubbed her temples. “Danzou is moving. He’s planning something – those old fools are patient and cautious. They’ll wait decades for the right moment. And that right moment might come soon. It’s time for me, for _us_ , to stop looking at the past and face the future.”

“And if she dies?” she asked.

“She won’t,” Tsunade said firmly, before giving her assistant a faint smile. “If she’s anything like me, she’ll find a way.” Her smile dropped. “But should _that_ happen, then I’ll send you in her place. This mission takes precedence – we need to secure Suna’s alliance, and soon.”

Shizune bowed, and in that short moment, of her closing her eyes and bending her back, she sent a silent prayer – that Sakura can come home safe.

That she can come home alive.

**X**

“Gaara-sama!”

The couple were pale-faced and shaking when they answered the door. They were a fairly young couple – mid-twenties, Sakura surmised. In the background, she heard the sound of a baby crying, and the hissing of the kettle.

After their ‘spar’, Gaara had transported them into his room and ordered her to get changed quickly. Sakura would have wanted the time to heal her wounds and rest, but she was too tired to argue. Apparently, he had to talk to the families of those who died in a mission personally.

Looking at this situation though, she doubted a word from their would-be Kazekage was something they truly wanted.

“There’s no need for you to visit us, Gaara-sama!” the husband said with a shaking voice, “We know our son died for the village. We’re glad he died doing his duty –“

“Are you truly glad he died?” Gaara asked, frowning. “Did you not love him?” The parents looked at each other, but under Gaara’s gaze, they both cowered.

This exchange was just too painful. Whoever decided Gaara was the best person to console a grieving family was out of their damn mind. It was obvious he was ill-equipped to handle such situations. She wasn’t sure where the courage came from, but she elbowed past Gaara and stepped up to the couple.

“You must have loved your son a lot,” she said gently. The mother whimpered and covered her mouth with a hand.

“M-Mamoru always smiled,” the mother replied, voice thick with emotion. “I won’t see him – anymore – I don’t want to forget – My son.” Sakura felt helpless, and she finally turned back to look at Gaara and gave him a meaningful look.

“I-I saw your son in his last moments,” he finally said. Sakura was glad his voice was gentler than before. There was still a rasp, but it wasn’t as harsh. The parents stared at him and he looked conflicted. Sakura gestured for him to step closer, and he did so, cautiously. “He…He held out for as long as he could.”

The mother burst into tears.

**X**

Gaara was used to crying.

In fact, he did it a lot when he was young. His siblings used to cry in his presence, before their father instructed him to stay in his room until he was called. His enemies wailed and screamed for mercy in their final moments.

It was nothing new.

But the tears of the mother before him made him uncomfortable. He couldn’t help but think of his own mother – whose name wasn’t even uttered in their house.

Did she cry like this for him? If she was still alive – would she? Did she curse him in her last moments? Or like Mamoru, did she hold out as long as she could to see him into the world?

Those thoughts swirled in his mind, and for a brief moment, he envied Mamoru. How did it feel like, to have a family that cared and loved him, who would mourn him if he died?

Anger and sadness swelled in his chest, as it always did when he thought of his mother. He watched as Sakura hugged the woman and comforted the father. There were a lot of things he had thought about the night prior, things he wanted to say and do for the families, but they were all forgotten.

He felt stifled, even though they weren’t inside the house. He wanted to leave for the open desert, to find a way to breathe through the humid air. Clenching his sweaty palms, his blood pounding in his ears, he realised this was another complicated emotion he couldn’t place.

He stood, emotionless, as Sakura soothed and offered condolences with such sincerity, he wondered if she knew Mamoru before he died. Unlike him, it seemed she was in her element. The words left her lips easily enough, words he couldn’t find the night before.

When she finally turned to him, she must have seen something in his eyes, because quickly turned back to the couple and waited until they were safely back inside before facing him again.

She hesitated. “Are you alright?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

**X**

_Longing_.

As soon as she turned to look at him and saw the expression on his face, she quickly turned away. It was something she knew well enough – she had wanted a lot of things in her life, after all.

But it wasn’t just longing she could read in his face. There was sadness and pain there. Tears pricked at the corner of her eyes; his expression was so innocent. She had forgotten he was still a child, like her.

Living as a shinobi robbed one of many things, but it didn’t stop one from yearning for those things, anyway.

**X**

Whenever Sasuke closed his eyes, he saw a world where everything was as it should be.

His family was still alive and his older brother wasn’t a traitor to the village. He could see himself still being in Team 7 – Naruto and Sakura were annoying, but tolerable. He saw himself passing the Chuunin exams, and there would be no invasion this time. Kakashi-sensei would teach him specialised jutsu and he’d try them on his brother, in an effort to beat him…

But when he opened his eyes, darkness surrounded him on all sides. This was not his world. He reached out a hand and grasped nothing.

This was not where he should be.

“Good morning, Sasuke-kun!” Karin’s high pitched voice reverberated in the small room as she flicked on the lights in his room. “Did you have a good dream?” He scoffed and swung his legs off the edge of the bed.

He didn’t dream. Not anymore.

But he longed.

And oh, how he longed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologise for the short length of the chapter! I will try and make the next chapter longer to compensate. I feel like all I do is apologise in my author’s notes haha. This chapter took a lot longer because – well, because there were several ideas and direction I considered before finally settling on this one. I also found it difficult to write – I felt burned out, and I had to step away from writing for a couple of days. I swear, I couldn’t write a single thing no matter how hard I tried, and it really demotivated me because I felt like I should have been able to write this chapter. For those who also write, do you experience this? How do you guys combat it?
> 
> The chapter is called ‘sadness and pain’ and I hope I managed to convey it well in this chapter. There are several characters experiencing a lot of sadness and pain and I know I’m only scraping the surface.
> 
> I’m really having a lot of fun writing Kakashi’s character. I imagine after ANBU he would be a stickler for rules, so this is my take on it. Also omg guys tbh I have not watched the Naruto anime in Shippuden and the fillers, so idk if I’m writing something that goes directly against the Shippuden fillers. So please forgive me if it does! I’ll still try my best to keep them in character. This is my take on how Kakashi started reading icha icha haha!! I had to include this scene because idk delving too deep into sad themes is too scary for me to approach so I cushion it with some humour haha.
> 
> Finally, I get to explore Sasuke’s POV. I’ll probably only give him a few scenes every couple of chapters – this is still GaaSaku after all. But I wanted to include him because he will play a bigger role later (much, much later haha!)
> 
> Life has been busy and hectic and tiring. Aside from work, I also have work placement for uni, so I’m doing that on top of everything else huhu. I’m literally writing this chapter when I’m on the bus because that’s the only spare time I have omg. No beta because that’s how I roll (and I just want to get it out to you guys asap)
> 
> Honestly, I hope the story isn’t dragging! I’m planning on participating this NaNoWriMo, is anyone else? I’m also part of some fic fests, one is GaaSaku and the other is MadaSaku haha. I’ll keep you guys updated! I’ve never written MadaSaku before but it sounds interesting!
> 
> I feel like I’m stretching myself too thin with everything going on in my life, but that’s alright I guess because that’s the only stretching I’m doing lololol
> 
> I hope everyone is okay! Btw if you guys have tumblr, add me and say hi! My username is also elleurs.
> 
> Thank you to Ester Izanami, Ilikeoldfandoms7, NinjaRoja, Sarah, Rise of the Blossom, Sarcastic-mommy, Distant Voice, iammai1097 and Zenitsu for reviewing on FFN! Thank you to dontyoublink, NDCtomato, Elle Blessingway (elle_blessing), viviannewriting, Genmastone and lolabrum for reviewing on AO3! I really struggled a lot with this chapter and I reread your reviews several times (more times than I’d like to admit) for some motivation hehe. So thank you so much!
> 
> Special thanks to Ellen for kicking me into gear, and to darkkurama who always cheers me on.
> 
> Also, thank you to those who put this story on alerts and who faved this fic and left kudos and put bookmarks on it, I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter!
> 
> See you in the next one!


	18. Departure: Significance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Date last revised: October 1, 2020
> 
> Author’s Notes: I missed this story so so much! Please enjoy! Unbeta’d, you know how it is.
> 
> Part III: Departure
> 
> Significance

Sakura and Gaara moved through the list of families to visit after Gaara composed himself. She allowed him to talk to the families first, in stilted, halting speech. His heart was in the right place, but fear of him kept the families at arms’ length. Whenever the encounters started to turn awkward, she’d swoop in and ease the families the best she could. He would watch, pensive, as she consoled the parents and offered sincere condolences.

Finally, after the last family thanked them, Sakura turned to leave only to find Gaara right in front of her. His arms were crossed, and on his face was a complicated expression.

“You’re better at this than I am,” he said. She wasn’t sure if she imagined the sullen tone in his voice.

“We all have our strengths and weaknesses,” she answered diplomatically. They were walking through the streets of Suna. With the sun high in the sky, the city was bustling, although the citizens gave them wide berth. Gaara paid them no mind, and Sakura tried to copy his unaffected air in vain. Her ears still burned. “You can’t be good at everything.”

“But that’s exactly what they expect,” he replied, staring straight ahead. She didn’t need to ask who – she could see the Suna council in her mind from that first day, sitting in front of them. Eyes searching for his faults. Lips exposing his weaknesses. “I can’t be anything less.”

They were both still so young, and yet the difference between them was so great. He had been carrying burdens she couldn’t even begin to imagine. And what pressure – to fulfil the expectations of the wisest and strongest shinobi in Suna. The thought was enough to have her palms sweating.

“It must be difficult,” she said at length. Citizens avoided their path, avoided their eyes. The ones that could look at them, looked at them with hatred and disgust.

Pressured by the council.

Detested by his citizens.

Plagued by the monster in his head.

He grunted, lifting a shoulder in a lazy shrug.

“It’s manageable.”

**_X_ **

He brought her back to the office, and she was half-wondering if it was going to be her room from now on. Indeed, as soon as they arrived, there was a smaller desk near the door, with her books neatly piled on top. Seeing the books laid out, she gasped and hurried to the desk, hands shaking.

Did they find out why she was here? Was her mission over?

“Don’t worry,” Gaara said, walking in behind her. “My clone arranged the desk. No one saw your things.” He moved to sit behind his desk and steepled his fingers.

“We need to talk.”

She clutched the books to her chest for comfort; she knew what was coming. Slowly, she moved to sit on the chair opposite him, dread creeping up on her.

“I’m hoping you can give me some good news,” he started. With the sun shining brightly behind him, she could barely make out his face. But she noticed how his hands shook, and his laboured breathing. She doubted their spar had anything to do with it. But maybe it was still nerves left over from their encounter with Mamoru’s parents.

She hesitated. Her original mission was to help Gaara tame Shukaku by meditation, which was something even a novice like her could supervise. What she was proposing was above her capabilities. Like a child playing a doctor.

Could she really do it?

Licking her lips, she took a deep breath, and looked at the boy in front of her. As soon as they entered his office, he’d taken off his gourd and placed it beside his desk. Without it, he looked smaller. Thinner. The chair was too big for him, like it might swallow him whole if he leaned too far back. The clothes he wore (unstained from their spar) didn’t suit him and looked uncomfortable. Like a child playing a Kazekage.

They were two kids playing two roles they had no experience in.

**_X_ **

This was Sakura’s plan: she would administer anaesthesia to Gaara until he got enough sleep. Repeat this every night until he’s fully rested and mentally strong enough to fight against Shukaku’s influences.

Two sentences. It sounded so easy. But there were several logistical problems. Firstly, where would she get hold of anaesthesia? How much would be enough to knock out Gaara? What if Shukaku controlled Gaara once he’s unconscious?

That final thought made her shudder, but she relayed as much of the plan and the challenges as she could to Gaara. She stammered and waved her hands vaguely, trying to find words. She jumped from point to point, going off on tangents as she reasoned with herself and then contradicted herself.

It was worse than a presentation in class, because his problem didn’t have a clear cut solution. She closed her mind off from the possibility there might not be a solution at all.

“This sounds better than meditation, at least,” Gaara said after she had exhausted herself with explaining. “I’ve never been poisoned, so I can’t tell you how long it would last in my system.” He paused. “We could always try.”

Sakura’s eyes felt like they were bulging out of their sockets. “No,” she said, shaking her head vehemently. “I’m not even sure if your body will rid the toxins quickly.” She had read several scrolls on different subjects, working under Tsunade-shishou. All fascinating, if a little too wordy for her liking.

Not to mention it would entirely be her fault if Gaara died from something like that. Although that _would_ solve his Shukaku problem.

She wondered when she got her dark sense of humour, and then she remembered she nearly died only a few days ago.

“Thank you,” she blurted out. Gaara’s eyes flickered to hers, slight surprise on his face. She fumbled for her words. “Thank you for saving my life. That time. I haven’t thanked you yet. So, um. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” he replied. He frowned. “Thank you, too. For helping me back there.”

“It’s the least I can do,” she said. She meant it. “Am I – Am I supposed to stay here now?” She looked around his office.

He was back to doing paperwork. “You’re free to move back to your room.”

“…I’d rather not.”

“Then you can stay here, if that would make you feel safer.”

It did.

**_X_ **

Kankuro had to hand it to the sentry guards. They were as gossipy as the women in the market, and soon word spread of the pink-haired girl who sparred with Gaara. By the time lunch arrived, half of Suna knew of Sakura Haruno.

“Did you know it would end up like this?” he asked his sister. They were eating lunch outside in the busy marketplace. He was wondering why Temari insisted on eating out. The busy market masked their conversation. They were nothing more than strings of voices amongst hundreds of others.

“Maybe,” Temari replied, pulling a piece of skewered chicken into her mouth as they moved through stalls. “I told Gaara to keep Sakura close for two reasons.” Kankuro glared at a child who were about to approach with a bouquet of flowers. The child faltered before scurrying away.

“Being?”

“One, this should keep anyone from trying to target her until we’re ready for them.” True. Now that she had become infamous in Suna, whoever wanted her dead would find it difficult to dispatch her quietly.

“And the other?”

Temari stopped looking at accessories to give Kankuro a smirk. “Whatever reason Sakura Haruno came here for,” she said, grabbing an expensive fan and examining the intricate carvings on its edges. “She won’t be able to keep it a secret for long.”

Let it be known that Temari was as shrewd as they come.

**_X_ **

“Tsunade-sama.”

Tsunade closed her eyes and let out a quiet sigh. She knew the voice, and she regretted pouring herself another drink. Danzou stood before her, back as straight as he could manage, and with a perpetual frown marring his features.

“Danzou,” she said, “Would you like a seat?” He looked at the seat scornfully and lifted a corner of his mouth in a semblance of a smile.

“No need, Tsunade-sama,” he said, “I thought I was intruding on a meeting when I saw the drinks on your desk, but now I understand the entire bottle of sake was for you.” _You’re an alcoholic._

“I’d pour you one, but you probably won’t be able to handle it.” _Asshole_.

Danzou smiled at her petty retort. He won this round. “Now, now, Hokage-sama,” he said smugly, “It’s one thing to be an alcoholic. It’s another thing to broadcast it. You might embarrass Konoha to the other Kages, if they see you in this state.”

“Isn’t it your fault for placing me here, then?” she said, fingers itching to grab the sake bottle on her desk – maybe to drink straight from it, or to hit Danzou with it. She wasn’t sure yet. “You knew I was an alcoholic before you made me come back.”

“It wasn’t my intention to make you Hokage, trust me,” he muttered under his breath.

She scoffed. What Danzou wanted was someone who could be easily manipulated. “Jiraiya won’t bend to you, either.”

“A pity,” he said, sounding not at all sorry. “Unfortunately, I’m not here to discuss what-ifs. A little bird has told me something interesting.” Tsunade stilled for a moment before reaching for the bottle of sake.

“It must not have been that interesting, if you’re willing to share it with me,” she said, voice deceptively light. Danzou’s spies were for his ears only. Which only meant one thing: the information he was about to share involved her, and involved him gaining a leverage over her.

Right now, she was leaning towards drinking the sake from the bottle itself.

“It has something to do with your pink-haired apprentice-“ the bottle of sake smashed on the wall behind him.

Tsunade’s smile was challenging. “What about her?” She stood up without waiting for a reply. “You know what? I’m not interested in what you have to say right now. If you want to tell me what your ‘little birds’ told you, then schedule an appointment with Shizune. Get out of my office.”

“This is completely improper – “

“I said get the fuck out, Danzou. Don’t test my patience. I’ve never been a patient woman.” He harrumphed and left, slamming the door behind him. Tsunade fell back into her seat and placed a hand over her eyes.

Only four people knew about Sakura’s mission. Sakura, herself, Shizune and –

**_X_ **

_A few hours prior_

Kakashi knew Tsunade-sama didn’t tell him everything. He fucking knew it. Staring at the mission scroll he nicked from Shizune after a clever distraction which involved one oblivious Iruka and two free lunch tickets, blood pounded in his ears as he read through the brief.

He knew Sakura had been sent to do an S-ranked mission in Suna. But this wasn’t a mission. This was basically suicide.

An unranked mission to _subdue Shukaku_. What was Tsunade thinking? Didn’t she see Gaara for herself during the Chuunin exams?

His hands shook in anger. Gaara was unhinged and dangerous. It had taken Kakashi nearly a month to train Sasuke just to even make a dent on Gaara’s defence, and she sent Sakura _alone_. Tsunade didn’t hold Sakura’s hand, alright.

She grabbed Sakura’s hand and threw her in the deep end.

In his mind, it was Sakura under the boulder, not Obito, green eyes staring back at him. In his mind, the boulder transformed into sand, wrapping around her arm and legs like it did to Lee during the preliminaries. In his mind, it was her bones he heard breaking and it was her green eye she offered to him. His Sharingan activated as his emotions flared and he closed his eyes, crumpling the mission scroll in his hands.

He had tried so hard not to be attached to anyone anymore, but all members of Team 7 had wormed their way into his heart. They were annoying, inexperienced and too much trouble than they were worth.

But they were his. They were the closest thing to family.

And now, was he going to lose someone important to him again? Now that he knew what he knew, could he turn a blind eye to it?

Of course not.

He placed the scroll back, a plan forming in his mind. He hated politics, but if Tsunade won’t let him help his student, then he knew someone who would.

If Tsunade was worth her salt as a Hokage, then she would look underneath the underneath.

And she would see his threat, clear as day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I MISSED THIS STORY SO MUCH IT PHYSICALLY ACHED. Here, have a juicy chapter! SIGNIFICANCE is the title of this chapter because that’s the appropriate word to describe this chapter. Several things I want to point out:
> 
> I’m a bit hesitant again about Kakashi’s characterisation, but I believe that it’s justified. I’m exploring a darker side of Kakashi, and one of the things I want to explore is: what would be an event in which Kakashi would place Team 7 over Konoha? And I think this would be it. I just hope I’ve explained it well in the story.
> 
> It’s not just Kakashi’s darker side I want to explore. I also want to explore Tsunade’s weaknesses and Konoha’s fragile political situation.
> 
> I feel like the story is getting away from me because this is becoming bigger than I could ever imagine. But I’m really excited about this development. There are a lot of nuances, and balancing the story between both Konoha and Suna is difficult, but as Gaara said, it’s manageable haha. I’m having a lot of fun though! I hope that you’re liking it too!
> 
> Also, guys okay okay. I’m so excited. THIS IS MY PERSONAL FAVOURITE CHAPTER SO FAR. I don’t know if people will notice, but I want to point it out because I was pretty proud of it:
> 
> There are a lot of parallelisms in this story. A lot. There are some reviewers that have noticed them, and I’m so thankful because most of the time, they are deliberate, and it makes me super happy to see people analyse this story – I love feedback and want to improve myself as a writer.
> 
> The parallelism I’m talking about in this chapter is between Gaara and Tsunade. There is ONE significant thing I’ve done my best to show in this chapter. I hope if you’re reading this that you take a guess! I hope that knowing this thing will shift your perspective in the story, into a foreshadowing/redherring(?) I’ve hidden underneath the underneath haha.
> 
> The relationship between Sakura and Gaara is also progressing (I hope, in an organic manner). Temari’s shrewdness and cunning is displayed, and Kankuro is just along for the ride. Haha, I really loved this chapter. I hope you guys enjoyed reading it too!
> 
> Thank you to Sarah, Ilikeoldfandoms7, ShootingStarsss and RoseAnne21 for reviewing on FFN!
> 
> I have to say that I’m really surprised (in the best way possible) at the amount of reviews I received on AO3! Thank you to NDCtomato, Diane_LTGSF, Genmastone, indelibility, Sabrina, darthlokke and guest for reviewing!
> 
> I read all of the reviews a lot, and I’d love to know your thoughts on this chapter! Was this an improvement from the last chapter? Were they too out of character?
> 
> Thank you to all those who put this story on Alerts, Favourites, Bookmarks and Subscriptions! Please look forward to the next chapter!


	19. Tread the earth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Date last revised: December 23, 2020
> 
> Betas: Toothless – thank you for making my writing less cring-y and dqueen07 – thank you for giving me direction.
> 
> Author's Note: I FINALLY GOT BETAS! Sorry it took so long, but I hope you enjoy! See you at the end of the chapter!
> 
> Part III: Departure
> 
> Tread the earth

"You called for me?"

Gaara-sama stood in front of Ikanago, back straight and arms folded by his chest. Ikanago wondered if it would be rude to mention he looked so much like his father, it physically ached.

Rasa may not have been the best Kazekage, but he was her best student. Studious. Diligent. Thoughtful. Under her tutelage, he had flourished, and she would forever be regretful she couldn't be there to guide him when he first took the title of Kazekage.

She should have been beside him in those first few years, but instead she had allowed his mind to be poisoned by those around him. In her heart, she knew she had a part to play in his death. Maybe that was why she wanted to guide the boy before her.

"You're usually so busy during the day, Gaara-sama, I figured it would be better to summon you at night," she replied. She gestured for him to sit down but wasn't surprised when he remained standing.

Instead, he raised a brow at her statement. "It's past midnight."

"I do hope it's not a problem?" she asked. "Is there somewhere you need to be?" It was well-known in Sunagakure of Gaara's insomnia. Countless deaths could testify to that fact. The question was mere courtesy.

"No," he replied. "Why did you ask me to meet you here?" Ikanago smiled thinly and leaned back in her chair. She had summoned him to the Academy. After retiring as head of ANBU, Ikanago took up teaching. Many questioned her decision, but she knew this was her calling.

She regarded Gaara with a critical gaze before sighing. They must not repeat the mistakes Rasa had made. She had made sure to teach Gaara what she knew, but reports had reached her.

"I received a letter from the daimyo just yesterday," she started. Gaara, for the most part, remained still. "He expressed...great distress at the thought of you being Kazekage."

He shrugged. "He wouldn't be the first."

She couldn't argue with that.

"If you became the Kazekage, he said he'll stop sponsoring our village," she said. "What exactly happened, Gaara-sama?"

Silence.

Ikanago sighed and rubbed her temples. "I can't help you if you don't tell me."

"I don't need your help," he said, frowning. "I can handle it fine." Ikanago pressed her lips together. Youth these days think they know better, but that was ignorance talking. Still, she was quite tired, and decided to let the matter drop for now. Besides, there was another matter she needed to address, and the reason why she called him to the Academy instead of going to his office.

"There are also rumours about you and that diplomat from Konoha," she said.

"Rumours?"

"That you've fallen in love with that pink-haired girl. That you're planning to marry her and betray the village to be with her. That Shukaku wants her as his mate." She saw confusion in his expression until her words fully sunk in. Shock and disbelief passed through his eyes before he quickly reigned in his emotions.

He shook his head and let out a breath as his fists clenched and unclenched by his sides. Ikanago wondered if perhaps she went too far and she would witness one of his infamous tempers in person.

After all, if the rumours were true, Shukaku would be angered at the disrespect she gave to his mate. And if the rumours were false - Gaara might call on Shukaku just to deal with the humiliation of her having brought up the topic. Subtly, her hands moved to the edges of the table before her, ready to throw it at him in case of emergency.

She worried for nothing. No killing intent seeped out from him, and his face was carefully blank. Still, she refused to lower her guard.

"I don't have any relationship with Sakura-san," Gaara said after a considerable pause. "She's a friend of a friend."

"And a diplomat sent here from Konoha," Ikanago said, reminding him. It was obvious the girl had been brought for another reason, but she was glad it wasn't because of any romantic interest on Gaara's part. How would she tell him his life after becoming Kazekage wouldn't be fully his anymore?

For this boy, whose selfishness caused the deaths of many, a restriction of that magnitude might have bad consequences. But there was no one else more powerful than him. He _needed_ to become the Kazekage. For the sake of Sunagakure. And, though she hated to admit it, she needed him to become the Kazekage for her own selfish reasons.

With her guiding him, she might be able to overwrite her guilt for Rasa's death.

"I would like to meet this diplomat of yours and see for myself," she finally said. "To make sure nothing is going on between the two of you." Hearing those words, Gaara grimaced but nodded tightly.

"Whatever will put your mind at ease."

**X**

The rumour between him and Sakura was so absurd he wasn't sure if he should be amused or disgusted. If beating her within an inch of her life was what classified as romance these days, then maybe the rumours had some merit.

But as it stood, he harboured no such feelings. There were bigger things to worry about. His goal was so close. The Salt Ceremony was three weeks away, and he needed to be ready. Shukaku needed to be subdued before then.

Besides, how could he worry about a significant other, when he didn't plan to take a wife in the first place?

He knew himself enough. His personality wasn't approachable or amiable like Kankuro. He had a temper, and a dangerous one, at that. One wrong word from his wife on a bad day, and she would find herself splattered on the walls.

The thought made him laugh. He wasn't foolish enough to believe any girl would want to be tied down to the monster of Suna, Kazekage or no. And if any girl professed their love for him…Well, then they were the foolish one. That, or they're a spy planted by the Council.

He had no doubt marriage talks would occur once he became of age, maybe even before then. And once he produced a son, the Council would do their hardest to take him out of the picture.

After all, a small, innocent child would be easier to control than him.

The council as it was now held too much power. They were all too old, too rigid and too traditional. Shukaku was sealed in him with their permission...and it wasn't far-fetched to believe they suggested it to his father, all those years ago, either.

As soon as he became Kazekage, they would have to go.

**X**

In her dream, Sakura was back in her room in Konoha. The masked men had followed her from Suna and now surrounded her, in their hands a variety of weapons. Try as she might, she couldn't move. They approached her slowly, the leering smiles painted on the masks moving and mouthing silent words. Her chakra was gone.

She was nothing more than a powerless fourteen year old girl.

The men loomed over her, growing taller until their heads reached the ceiling. One of them grabbed her neck and squeezed _hard_. She couldn't move, couldn't raise her hands to push him away.

Through the slits in the mask, she saw familiar red eyes.

She screamed.

**X**

Sakura fell hard onto the floor of the Kazekage's office with a yelp. Her hands were clammy and cold as she pressed them to her neck, where the Sasuke in her dream strangled her. His eyes looked ready to kill, but Sasuke-kun would never hurt her.

Right?

Breathing hard and with shaking hands, she pushed herself back onto the couch. Gaara had allowed her to stay another night at the office which she accepted gratefully, although she knew she had to go back to the house at some point.

Which reminded her – she looked around and saw no sign of him.

Unwilling to dwell on her dream any longer, she moved towards the window, leaning her elbows on the ledge. The wind was cool, cooler than what she was accustomed to in Konoha.

Closing her eyes, she let her skin feel the wind. Usually, she would press her shoulders close to her chest and turn away. But tonight, she allowed her body to loosen, to let the wind move through her. She inhaled deeply, letting the cold air into her lungs and exhaling just as slowly.

Locks of her short hair moved, the wind caressing her with its cold fingers – down her face and dipping to her neck and arms, raising goosebumps.

Opening her eyes slowly, she looked at the Kazekage house in the distance. She didn't want to go back there. Not until she was strong enough to beat all those men with her own two hands. She just hoped Gaara wouldn't mind her intruding in his office for a little while longer.

**X**

When Gaara returned, he found Sakura seated in the middle of the office floor, surrounded by books on all sides. Her short hair was tied in a bun at the top of her head to clear stray hairs from her face, and her gaze at the books before her were as intense as the one she gave him during their spar.

For a second, he felt he wasn't supposed to be there - that he was intruding on a private moment. But the second passed, and Sakura raised her eyes to meet his before giving him a nervous smile.

"I couldn't go back to sleep," she said. "I hope you don't mind."

He closed the door behind him. "Not at all." He swept his gaze on the books on the floor. "Are these-?"

"They're from your bookshelf," she said, fingers twitching in nervousness. "About Shukaku, his history...anything to give me some information. Were they confidential?"

He didn't understand why she looked nervous. He couldn't care less about those books; it wasn't as if he planned on ever reading them.

"Feel free," he said as he took his seat by his desk. "If it's about Shukaku, I can answer any question you have."

Sakura tried hard to cover her surprise. "I was under the assumption you don't like to talk." He raised a brow, unsure whether to be amused or insulted. Even though it had been months, he liked to think his personality has improved considerably.

"I don't like _small_ talk," he clarified. "But if it can help with your mission, I don't mind." He paused. Consciously, he turned his body towards her and uncurled his fists. Trying to look open and approachable, like what they taught him. "Is there anything specific you want to know right now?"

He wasn't sure if adjusting his body language worked, but Sakura looked slightly relieved. "Are you sure?" she asked, "I've been known to be annoying." Nervous laughter. He wasn't sure if he should laugh or agree or do both. The urge to agree was strong - after all, things had become much more complicated ever since her arrival - but he restrained himself.

 _People don't like the truth,_ Kankuro had advised him months ago. _Especially truths about themselves. If you're unsure, half-truths are your best bet._

"You're tolerable," he said instead.

**X**

**X**

Tsunade paced the Hokage office nervously. It was early morning, and she wanted nothing more than to sink into her bed and sleep the rest of the day away. She had called for Kakashi hours ago, but in typical Kakashi fashion, he was terribly late.

As soon as she felt his presence, she hurried back to her seat and calmed her breathing. Kakashi Hatake was a dangerous man, and it was foolish of Tsunade to underestimate him. She wouldn't make the same mistake again.

The two of them stared at each other before Tsunade gestured for him to sit down.

"Since when did you play politics?" she said, breaking the silence. There was no going around it – she didn't have the luxury of playing mind games.

He didn't bat an eyelash. "Since you decided to involve my student in that suicide mission."

"You know what you did could be classified as insubordination?" she hissed, rubbing her temple. Damn it. "How _dare_ you bring Danzou into this! I should have you stripped of your rank right now."

"Danzou will take me back as ANBU, if you do," he replied, tapping his fingers on the table leisurely, as if he had all the time in the world to play verbal ping-pong.

 _Men,_ she thought in disgust. _The fucking disrespect._

"Do you doubt me as your Hokage?" she said, gritting her teeth.

"I doubt your decision-making skills when you're drunk half the time."

Blood pounded in her ears. Anger surged through her like electricity and without realising, she had gathered her chakra in her hands. The table groaned from the pressure. "You're very close to crossing a line with me, Hatake," she said slowly. "Know your place." Kakashi stood up.

"If you won't let me go and see Sakura, Danzou will," he said, moving towards the door. "I'm sure he'll want to send someone there once he finds out about her 'mission'. It all depends on your decision, _Hokage-sama_." She pursed her lips.

"I don't take Sakura's life lightly," she called out. Kakashi stilled, hand on the door handle.

"Well, neither do I."

He slammed the door behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has to be the longest I've worked on a chapter! So many things has happened since my last update such as: my first nephew being born, finishing end of year exams and assignments, finishing my internship and part-time job, starting an art journal (of sorts). There were so many things, both good and bad, that has happened to me in the last few months, but know that I was not being idle!
> 
> Actually, I've been working on this chapter, and rewriting previous chapters. I've officially updated Chapter 1 to the point where I'm finally, FINALLY satisfied with it! I hope you guys have a read and see the improvement haha! I'm currently working on rewriting Chapter 2 until I'm also satisfied with it hehe.
> 
> This chapter was so, so difficult. Why? Because I rewrote it several times! Honestly, there were so many different directions I initially wanted to go in that I had to scrap because it was just too out of character, too soon. I have enough scraps of scenes to write another omake – just from this chapter alone! Pretty crazy, huh? Haha. My final revisions for this chapter wasn't beta-ed because it's December 23, and I'm sure my betas want to spend their holidays in peace haha.
> 
> When I say slow burn, I really do mean slow haha. But I hope that the pay-off will be worth it (for you and for me!). We are slowly but surely gaining steam. I'm pretty sure once the Salt Ceremony is done the plot will be too fast to stop lol.
> 
> For this chapter, I wanted to explore Gaara as a character more, and we see here several things: Gaara doesn't plan to marry, Gaara is not naïve/innocent, and Gaara is trying. Ooh, I'd love to know your thoughts.
> 
> We'll just have to see if Gaara changes his mind about getting married, eh? ;)
> 
> I really want to discuss my story with you guys in more depth huhu. I have a tumblr, so if you want to say hi or chat, please feel free!
> 
> I'd like to thank Ilikeoldfandoms7, Ester Izanami, Sarah, NinjaRoja, Mac000000000 and noominaome for reviewing on FFN!
> 
> Thank you to Diane_LTGSF, Genmastone, Bird_of_Pray94, Elle Blessingway, darthlokke, dollqueen, LadyDeasy, breezyxmii for reviewing on AO3!
> 
> Also, thank you to hyuugatenten for messaging me and re-reading the whole thing(!) aah, it made me so happy!
> 
> Again, I'd like to thank Toothless and dahqueen for their beta-reading. To Toothless, thank you for beta-ing even though you're not in the fandom haha, and to dahqueen who read MOAN and gave out solid feedback, thank you.
> 
> Finally, to the silent readers, those who put this fic in their favourites, alerts, bookmarks and subscriptions – thank you so much.
> 
> To all those who took the time to review, I cannot express how much your reviews mean to me. This year 2020 has been difficult and trying, but reading (and re-reading) your reviews brought me a lot of joy this year.
> 
> I hope this story has also brought you joy.
> 
> Enjoy your holidays, keep safe, and I'll see you in 2021!
> 
> Cheers, Elle.


	20. Bask in the sun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Date last revised: February 17, 2021
> 
> Author’s Note: Thank you to my betas – Toothless and dahqueen! See you guys at the end of the chapter!

The first touch was hesitant.

Her fingers, slightly sweaty, pressed against the inside of his wrist. Gentle and soft, before slowly applying more force. She had asked to conduct an initial check-up, to get the baseline for his vitals before starting her experiment.

“Heartbeat is irregular,” Sakura muttered, more to herself than to him.

Gaara met her eyes. “Is that bad?”

“It depends,” she said, moving to re-tie her hair into a tight bun. “I’d have to do several tests and check-ups to make sure. It could be a medical condition, it could be because of Shukaku’s influence, or any number of things, really.”

Sakura grabbed his face and leaned close, her fingers pulling around his eyes. “What are you doing?” he asked, fingers twitching by his sides, unsure how to proceed.

“Checking for any inflammation or irritation around your eyes,” she said, matter-of-factly. “I’m surprised you don’t have any, considering you have insomnia _and_ you deal with sand all the time.” Her fingers drifted to the corners of his lips, pausing for a moment before exerting enough pressure to force his mouth open.

Gaara felt his skin flinch at her touch, even though he gave his full consent. When was the last time he had a physical examination? Even when he arrived battered, bruised and barely conscious after their failed invasion on Konoha, the servants left him alone in his room as Shukaku worked on healing him.

“You’re slightly anaemic,” Sakura said, returning his mind to the present. “What’s your usual diet?”

He shrugged. “Whatever the servants prepare.” She paled, and he remembered how the servants had tried to poison her. He felt compelled to explain, “They don’t bother poisoning me, since they prefer me to be…conscious.” He was the lesser of two evils, he supposed.

“If you can ask them to prepare you foods rich in iron – “

“No need,” he replied swiftly. “The servants know what they’re doing.”

Sakura looked as if she wanted to argue. “If you insist,” she finally said, sighing. He nodded his head and watched as green chakra started coating her hands. “I’ll be checking your chakra now.” He let her take the lead, following her instructions to take off his top, leaving him in his long-sleeved fishnet shirt.

She gave his torso a cursory glance before directing him to lie down on the couch. “It might feel uncomfortable in the beginning,” she said, before placing her hands on his chest. The moment he felt her chakra enter his pathways, sand shot out of his gourd to attack her.

To her credit, Sakura dodged in time, swiftly jumping to a corner of the room as he willed his sand to retreat.

“I apologise,” he said once the sand had returned to his gourd. “It moves –“

“Independent of your will, I know,” she replied, slowly walking back towards him. “I figured it would attack; I was surprised it took that long.”

“I can’t promise it won’t happen again.”

“That’s alright,” she said, cracking her neck and pursing her lips. “It would be naïve of me to assume it would be this easy, anyway.” She pressed her palms over his chest and slowly pressed him to lie back down on the couch. This time, when her hands glowed green and he felt the unfamiliar chakra, he focused. Closing his eyes, he loosened his clenched fists and forced his sand to stay put.

Sakura’s chakra was different from Shukaku’s. Shukaku’s chakra was both hot and cold, with a pull he could rarely resist. But Sakura’s chakra was cool water, a stream starting from his chest and reaching all the way to the tips of his fingers. It wasn’t powerful, nor did it give him euphoria. But it was steady. Calming. Soothing. 

Like the purifying baths he had come to like.

**X**

Sakura was in her element.

Check-ups were her _thing_. She had perfected the procedure with all those hours she spent in the hospital. Granted, she didn’t have any equipment on hand, but she forgot how it felt to do something she was actually _good_ at.

When the sand had lashed out, she was proud of herself for moving out of the way as quickly as she did.

And when she finally managed to get her chakra into Gaara’s pathways, she felt like a huge weight was lifted off her shoulders. _Finally,_ she was getting somewhere.

Gaara wasn’t lying when he said Shukaku healed his injuries. Even though his body tended on the thinner side, his physical health was excellent. The best she could do for him was to help loosen his tense muscles in an effort to help him relax somewhat.

His chakra was like molten magma – bright red and boiling hot. Anger bubbling just under the surface, ready to break. 

But there was also another chakra signature – dark, foreboding and deadly. It worked like quicksand. She felt her chakra being pulled into something sinister. Her stomach turned and bile crept up her throat, but she couldn’t stop probing deeper as she tried to satisfy her morbid curiosity.

Her fingers trembled and her heart raced as she struggled to quantify the amount of chakra present inside Gaara. _This_ was Shukaku? What was she doing, trying to tame the bijuu? It was a suicide mission! But maybe if she had his power...maybe if she had even a tenth of his chakra - 

As soon as she finished her train of thought, she felt a surge of power from the chakra enter her. It filled her with adrenaline. She felt so powerful no one could possibly win against her. Her heart thudded against her chest, excited at the prospect of battle - of blood - of - 

With a start, she pulled her hands from Gaara’s chest, completely stopping the flow of her chakra into his system. Breathing ragged, her eyes flicked over to meet his. Was this how he felt under Shukaku’s influence? How much self-control did he have to resist such temptation?

Fear pooled in the pit of her stomach. If she had been Shukaku’s jinchuuriki, she wasn’t sure she could be as calm as he was.

She swallowed thickly. “Was that Shukaku?”

“Yes,” Gaara said, moving to sit up. She leaned back to give him enough space, and she met his eyes. “Were you scared?”

She said her next words carefully. “I was more scared of how much Shukaku’s chakra affected me,” she said. “It’s very…intoxicating.”

“I know,” Gaara said. He stood up and moved to where he discarded his clothes. “But whatever he made you feel – it’s just temporary.” His brows furrowed, the warning more for himself than for her.

**X**

Sakura wasn’t expecting Gaara to keep his word.

It had nothing to do with her doubt on his character, but everything to do with the fact that she had seen the insurmountable pile of paperwork on his desk and had assumed their spar would be postponed until further notice.

So here she was again, on the outskirts of Sunagakure, body soaked in sweat as she finally raised a hand in surrender. The sun beat down on her mercilessly, with no cooling wind to soften the blow. The heat burned her skin, and she wanted nothing more than to go back and take a long, cold shower.

Gaara was just as brutal today as he was yesterday, and even though she could prepare for his attacks better, the problem was anticipating how thick the sand would harden to, and applying just the right amount of chakra.

Sure, she had perfect chakra control, but she didn’t have a limitless supply of it.

The sand retreated and the next moment Gaara was next to her, slightly frowning.

“You gave up earlier this time,” he said.

Shrugging, she started healing herself. “It’s too hot to think properly.” Even talking was proving to be too much trouble.

“You have to be prepared for all kinds of situations,” he said, with no heat in his words. “Especially when you’re at a disadvantage.”

“I feel like I’m always at the disadvantage.”

“You just need to get stronger.”

She couldn’t help but laugh in exasperation. _Of course_ he would say that. He was already strong. What would he know of hard work, when becoming a shinobi required little to no effort on his part?

“That’s easy for you to say – “ 

Sand shot out in front of them both, and she immediately looked at him in puzzlement. But Gaara wasn’t looking at her.

He was gazing at something in the distance.

**X**

When Tetsuo summoned her to confirm the rumours, Chiyo could hardly believe it.

She had half-expected the girl to be dead already.

“Give me the binoculars,” she said impatiently. Tetsuo hastily handed them to her and she placed them over her eyes. “Dammit, Tetsuo, where am I supposed to look?” These damn devices. She’d use a jutsu, but Gaara would probably notice her chakra use even this far away. Tetsuo dutifully guided the device until she could see the pair.

From what she could understand of their match, it was heavily one-sided. If Tetsuo hadn’t told her it was simply a spar, she would have assumed Gaara was actively trying to kill the girl. Sakura was holding up well, but it was nothing to write home about.

The bigger question was: why would Gaara invite her to a spar? It was very out of character for him, indeed. It wasn’t to let out steam, that’s for sure.

Tetsuo let out a hiss. “That’s gotta hurt,” he said. Gaara’s sand had grabbed Sakura’s ankle and slammed her face first onto the ground. Chiyo tsked but kept watching, interest renewed when she saw Sakura move at a safer distance to heal herself.

So she was a medic-nin, or at least, training to be one.

“Is the world about to end?” she muttered as she watched Gaara carry a conversation with Sakura after the match ended.

Everything was just a little too _suspicious_. The girl had been in the library only a few days prior, highly distraught. And now here she was in the desert, sparring with their would-be Kazekage, no less. And he was _letting_ her.

Even Temari only sparred with Gaara’s clones – what made Sakura so special? There were rumours circulating of a secret romance between the two, but Chiyo highly doubted it. You don’t nearly kill a person you like. She’d at least assumed Gaara would know this.

She tried to recall the first time she met the girl. Wasn’t she interested in surgery, or chakra scalpels, or anaesthesia?

Something clicked.

Why Gaara was adamant she stayed close to him. Why Gaara allowed a spar between the two of them, despite the difference in strength. Why he wasn’t showing her restraint now.

It wasn’t obvious at first glance, but Chiyo could slowly see the pieces coming together.

The Salt Ceremony was only a few weeks away, and it would require tremendous effort on Gaara’s part to keep Shukaku’s bloodlust at bay. Was that the reason that Sakura girl was here? To help him with this?

But that didn’t explain why Sakura was highly distraught when Chiyo met her. In fact, there was a high chance Sakura didn’t come to that conclusion until their meeting.

Was Sakura an exceptional medic, then? Chiyo highly doubted it. From what she could see, she was average at best.

The more she dwelled on this, the more worried she became.

Throwing the binoculars back at Tetsuo she threw a couple of kunai in their direction. Sand shot out to block her attack and she met Gaara’s eyes. Harrumphing, she jumped from their position atop the southern Suna gate, using the chakra strings she had tied to the kunai to propel her forward until she was before them.

Gaara nodded his head in greeting and Sakura’s eyes widened as recognition registered on her face.

“You two, what exactly are you planning?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LONG Author’s Note:
> 
> What’s up guys! Long time no see! It’s been about – 2 months? I hope you guys enjoyed this latest chapter! I tried to go longer but honestly, ~2k words is my limit for a chapter haha. Anyway, how was your new year?
> 
> I’ve been a bit melancholic since the year started for personal reasons. So I’ve been doing other things until I was ready to get back into MOAN. I finished this chapter ages ago, but it’s been only recently where I was finally at a place where I was happy at the result.
> 
> Someone mentioned that the plot was moving too slow but I really can’t rush it – I have a lot of threads I want to explore, and I think the payoff will be worth it (plot-wise, anyway)!
> 
> I swear, any time I’m stuck in a chapter, I just throw Chiyo in there and magically, the plot moves forward haha! The question is: will Chiyo help them or hinder them?
> 
> Also, the relationship is moving slowly but surely! Expect that there will be times when they take one step forward and two steps back, but I think that’s realistic? As long as they keep trying, they will ultimately keep moving forward. We must give the best relationship for my fave rarepair uwu
> 
> Here’s a question for you guys: how many days has it been in the story since Sakura arrived in Suna? hehe
> 
> Acknowledgements:
> 
> Thank you to El-Jay92, Niya, Guest(s)!!, diamaris324, Sarah, saralynfara and Lucency for reviewing on FFN.
> 
> Thank you to Bird_of_Prey94, charliejay and Genmastone for reviewing on AO3!
> 
> Special thank you to Hyuuga Tenten n.n for your super long and detailed review! I really enjoyed reading (and re-reading) it uwu


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